


Coming Home

by scotty_dog



Category: The Ultimate Sidemen, the sidemen
Genre: Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Muteness, Past Child Abuse, Romance, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-11-18 20:23:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 29
Words: 63,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11298177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scotty_dog/pseuds/scotty_dog
Summary: It's funny how things work out. In 2010, eighteen year old Josh disappears one night without a trace. Now, six years later, his closest friends are about to risk everything to bring him home.Warnings: themes of kidnapping and physical, emotional and sexual abuse





	1. Josh

Things don't always work out the way we want them to. And people don't always become the people they set out to be. No one starts out their life with the intention to harm others, or themselves, or become someone so far removed from their original self that they no longer know who they are anymore.

When a child is born, the parents hope this child will achieve all they never could, and more. A baby is precious. Innocent. The perfect human. But like all things, they change with time.

At just before midnight, on the 4th September 1992, a mother is screaming in a London hospital. She is giving birth. Her baby has come unexpectedly a week early and she is cursing the living daylights out of everyone present. The father stands by and awaits anxiously for his child to enter the world.

Both parents are young, only just in their twenties, and this child will be their first born. They are already over the honeymoon period in their marriage and don't live in a very good neighbourhood, but they are hoping this child will be start of something better for them.

After a lot more screaming and encouragement the baby finally decided it's time to be born. A son. They have a son. Hazel eyes and dark hair. At that moment, there is nothing more perfect in the world to them.

They call him Josh.

The couple take him home the day after and for a few months they are a happy little family. But things never stay the same for long. The mother is diagnosed with depression when Josh is six months old. As she declines the father begins to get ambitious, greedy even, for more success and money, more than the pitiful amount he is currently earning.

Josh is a year old when the arguments start, the screams that he hears at night that also make him cry. He is two when his mum tries to take her life for the first time, too young to understand why his mum won't respond to his worried calls. He is three when his dad starts to consume more alcohol than food, all he knows is his mum doesn't even bother arguing with the man any more. He his four when his dad first hits him, the black eye staying for over a week.

At this point the little boy's life doesn't look like it's heading in a very happy direction, but you never know what's just around the corner.

He's five when he meets the first of his best friends, and things start looking a little brighter.

 


	2. Meeting Simon

It's funny how things work, isn't it?

JJ, Simon, Ethan, Vik, Josh and Tobi. Six boys who people said were born to be best friends. And yet if it wasn't for one of them, most of their paths would never have crossed.

Simon is five when he first meets Josh. Josh is five too. Simon's parents have recently moved to London, central London, the Whitechapel area. His dad has been offered a promotion and that means moving. Simon doesn't mind too much, he is still too young to have made any firm friends at school. London is a lot different from his previous home. It's loud. It's busy. It is constantly evolving and changing.

The house they move into is very cool. It's smaller than their old one, but then you have to downscale when you move to the capital. On their second week living their his parents take Simon and his brothers to a park near Southbank.

The park, like the city, is massive and there are a great many children running around and playing happily. Simon does this too for a bit. Swings, roundabout, slide. He likes to think he is the best at all of them.

Then he notices a boy out of the corner of his eye. The boy catches his attention straight away not because he is being particularly loud or annoying, but purely because instead of sliding down the fireman's pole, he is trying to climb up it. That's not what you were supposed to do and the act intrigued Simon. The blond boy walks over to the other child.

He is smaller than Simon, but then most kids are; he's a tall boy for his age. This boy's hair is a lot darker too, it almost looks black in certain lights, and is not spiked up like his. His eyes are strange as well. One moment they look green, the next they look brown.

Simon is a polite boy, raised well by his parents, so he decides to try and help the child out. "That's not how you're supposed to do it," he points out.

The boy takes one last leap up the pole, nearly reaching the top before his arms give out and he slides back down. He gives Simon a funny look.

"Says who?"

That question confuses Simon. Well...no one ever said, but that was just how things were done. He settles for, "Everybody does it the other way."

The boy just shrugs his small shoulders and smiles. "Maybe I'm not everybody."

Simon doesn't understand. This boy is strange. It's a bit unnerving and he looks around to check his parents are nearby and watching him. They are, just like always. He looks around for the parents of this boy but there are no adults close who look anything like him.

"Where are your parents?" Simon asks.

"I don't know," the boy replies, still focused on climbing.

"But...where are they?" Simon is too young to comprehend that this boy isn't with his parents. For him, every child is always with their parents.

"I don't know." The boy repeats and sighs, giving up on his challenge. "Wanna play tag?" he asks instead.

"Okay." Thoughts on missing parents are quickly replaced by this new competition.

The boy sniffs and wipes his nose on his sleeve. "What's your name?" he asks.

"Simon."

"Well then..." the boy smirks before tapping Simon on the shoulder. "Tag, you're it Simon!" He laughs, charging away as quickly as possible.

"Hey that's not fair!" Simon shouts after the running boy, he had cheated. What a sweat. Luckily Simon is faster than the other boy and is soon gaining ground. "What's your name?" he calls out.

"Josh."

Simon reaches out his hand and grasps at the other boy. "Tag, you're it Josh!"

The two boys play for at least another hour, until they are red in the face and out of breath. Eventually Simon's parents tell him it's time to go; they're going to McDonald's for lunch. Simon wants to ask his new friend to come as well, seeing as his parents weren't around to buy him lunch, but when he turns back the boy has disappeared.

Simon worries for the rest of the day that he will never see the boy again, however as it is so often with young minds, the next day the strange Josh is forgotten about, a distant memory. But a few weeks later Simon visits the same park again and Josh is there, this time sitting on top of the swing frame. 

As soon as they spot each other Josh waves the other boy over and Simon, after a lot of difficulty, manages to clamber up too. Josh says he comes to the park most weekends, even though it's not the nearest park to his home. From then on Simon persuades his parents to bring him most weekends too.

Over the years the meet ups to play in the park turn into meet ups to play football on the grass. Simon's parents stopped turning up after a while, as he got older. Josh's parents never turned up at all. Sometimes Josh visits Simon at his house, sometimes he stays the night. Simon's parents like him; he is mature and always polite to them.

Sometimes Simon visits Josh in Peckham, but he only goes to his mum's house. Josh says his dad doesn't like him having friends around. Josh's dad doesn't like a lot of people. His mum is nice though, and she treats Simon like a second son. Josh is the only child from his mum and dad's marriage; they split up not long after Simon met him. Josh never complains and sometimes Simon thinks he's grateful for the divorce.

Simon and Josh are close. They come from two completely different worlds but look to each other as brothers. Often they don't need to talk to know what the other his thinking. They stay in touch throughout the years, through primary and secondary school. Josh doesn't go to a private school like Simon and lives in a much rougher neighbourhood, so introduces the other boy to people he would never normally meet.

It is through Josh that Simon meets Ethan.


	3. Meeting Ethan

Ethan is six when he meets Josh. Josh is nine. Ethan's mum has recently switched hairdressers; she found the staff at her old one too rude. Josh's mum is friendly and very good at her job. The two women hit is off immediately. One day Ethan's mum has to bring him with her before taking him to buy new clothes.

On that day Josh is helping his mum out by sweeping up the hair on the floor. He isn't being paid but he enjoys listening to the funny conversations and messing about by sliding on the slippery floor. Ethan is sulking in the waiting area, complaining to his mum every so often to hurry up. After his fifth exclamation of "Mum I'm bored!" Josh stops what he's doing and comes over to talk to the young boy.

Josh tells Ethan that he should be a big man and allow his mum this time of relaxation, seeing as she is always looking after him. He says that mums won't be around forever so it's good to spend happy times together while they can. Ethan's mum is a bit shocked by what the nine year old is saying, it's not natural for a kid that age to have so much empathy and such a realistic look on the world. Ethan on the other hand likes it very much; he always likes it when people tell him stuff straight, as if he were an adult. That's what Josh treats him like, an adult, not some dumb snivelling little boy. He spends the rest of his time waiting by sliding on the floor with Josh and suggesting hair colours for people who have come to have their hair dyed.

Over the year's Ethan and Josh's mums become very close friends and frequently meet up with their two sons. The four form tight bonds; both mum's can connect over the fact they both had children at young ages and are no longer with the father, both sons can connect over being kids from "the ends" as they say, and the fact that neither father figure is a constant presence in their lives.

Ethan never knew his dad, he walked out before he was born. Josh knows his dad but that isn't always a good thing. As a young boy a lot of Josh's mood depends on how the relationship is going between him and his father. Sometimes Josh gets angry and kicks stuff in rage when his dad has been particularly mean to his mum. Sometimes he cries after his dad has ignored him when he's trying to talk about his mum's depression. Sometimes he is just silent and Ethan see's the bruises peaking out from under his sleeves. Harsh, purple and finger shaped, like someone has grabbed the boy in a very rough and uncaring manner.

As they grow up Josh remains ever thoughtful and considerate of others, and avoids confrontation when he can, always preferring to talk his way out of an altercation than punch his way. Ethan is the exact opposite. He gets annoyed at the smallest things and finds his mouth never works when other people are shouting at him. Afterwards the first person he runs to is not his mum, but Josh. The older boy is always there to patch him up and make sure nothing is broken. Josh never gets angry or irritated with him either, he simply asks why Ethan got involved. There is always a good reason, although Josh says there is never a good reason for hurting someone else.

Josh tries to keep Ethan away from that sort of stuff and when he is old enough, invites him to the park to play footie with his friends. One of those friends is Simon. Ethan doesn't like the blond boy straight away because he is richer than them and can afford nicer clothes. He doesn't like the fact that Simon's family life seems perfect compared to his. But that undeserved dislike doesn't last very long because Simon is a very likeable person, and he and Josh have been friends since they were five. If you were friends with Josh you were most likely friends with Simon too and so, over time, Simon also becomes a very close friend.

He doesn't like to admit it but Ethan looks up to Josh like an older brother, someone he can rely on to always have his back even when he thinks he doesn't need any help. He also isn't afraid to call Josh out when he's acting stupid or annoying. If Ethan needs advice with something he goes to Josh. If Josh has tweeted something he thinks is profound but is really a load of bullshit Ethan will be the first one to call him out on it.

They don't live too far from each other but go to different school's, rival ones in fact. Every couple of weeks they hear stories of students getting into fights with the other school. Most of the times kids just walk away with bruises. A few times a broken tooth or nose. Very rarely some ends up in hospital from a bullet or stab wound. And once someone never makes it to hospital, only leaving the scene of the crime in a bodybag.

Josh always worries that one day Ethan is going to get in one of those fights and so introduces him to as many of the good people at his school as he can. Between the two of them they are able to form a bond between a select group of students in both schools, and none of those students ever have to worry about the others turning on them.

It's cool. Ethan meets a lot of people who he has a lot in common with and forms lifelong friendships.

It is through Josh that Ethan meets Tobi.


	4. Meeting Tobi

Tobi is eleven when he first meets Josh, on the first day of secondary school. This day is probably one of the most terrifying in childhood and everyone wants to make a good impression amongst people they will most likely see for the next seven years. Tobi is fairly quiet and shy, preferring to stay with a few close friends from primary school rather than go out of his way to meet new people, for fear of making a fool of himself.

He meets Josh on the first day because they are put into the same form. Unlike the other kids he doesn't seem to care what people think of him. He's not overly loud but he goes out of his way to talk a bit to everyone in their form on the first day. He makes a joke when he talks to Tobi, one that makes the other boy feel a lot more relaxed. Tobi's friends are always the ones who can make him laugh the most, so this was a strong indication he and Josh are going to be close.

One boy in the class stands out amongst the rest. His hair is neater, his uniform more preppy styled, his mannerisms more feminine. No one knows if the boy is gay or not; being only eleven the boy probably doesn't know himself, but immediately one of the other boys is picking on him. For the whole day the boy keeps poking fun at the other boy, and the other kids see the bully as a cool kid, someone they should hang around with, while his victim retreats more and more into his shell.

Tobi wants to say something to make him stop, as well as some other kids, but that's not the normal thing to do at that age. When you're eleven you stick with the majority because it's the safest. That's not what Josh does though. Even though neither he or Tobi could say they didn't often call each other gay as an insult - it's a bad habit, it's the way they've been brought up - neither wants to see someone being bullied for being themselves. And so on that day, the very first day of secondary school, Josh tells that bully to back the fuck off. He tells him that being gay was better than whatever excuse for a human he was. Josh makes a lot of enemies that day, but also a lot of friends, including Tobi.

He and Tobi share a lot of common interests, and they live close to each other which results in a lot of late night gaming sessions at Tobi's house. Josh is good with Tobi's little brother, who begins to idolise the other boy almost as much as his own brother. Tobi doesn't mind, Josh isn't a bad idol to have.

There are a lot of similarities in their childhood's as they grow up. Josh's mum is poorer than Tobi's parents, but his dad is richer, so they kind of fall into the same income bracket. Neither are well off though, both qualify for free school meals like most of the kids at their school, both have never set a foot outside of inner city London, and both see far too much at far too young an age. Even so, Josh definitely grows up quicker, he always just seems a step ahead of other kids his age, including pretending he can cope with everything on his own.

Josh always tries to act like nothing can affect him, including deadly illnesses. This is unfortunately proved when the boy refuses to go to the doctors for a mystery illness, leaving it so late that his condition has turned extremely serious by the time his parents force him to get a check up. Tobi never forgets the day he has the call telling him that his best friend is in hospital, in a critical condition, something to do with his kidneys.

Those two months are two of the most stressful months Tobi has ever experienced. He visits the other boy on a regular basis and it is during one of these visits that he meets Ethan and Simon. They are also visiting, here to play Fifa with their bed-ridden friend. He likes them. They were here to keep Josh company so of course he likes them. That and they make him laugh also. Crazy white boys. By the end of his ordeal Josh is tiny; literally just skin and bones and somehow even paler than before. Between them, they even manage to convince Josh to stay at Ethan's house for a while after that, as his mum is not in the best of health herself and none of them trust his dad enough to take care of him.

Despite the oldest boy being ill, those days of recovery weren't that bad, mainly because they get to look after Josh for once. The older boy is always making sure everyone else is okay and sometimes he just forgets about himself. Especially at school Josh tries to act like he can deal with everything thrown at him, but amongst his closest friends he occasionally lets his vulnerable side show. Tobi is there when his mum overdoses on her anti-depressants, both he and Ethan are there when he splits from his first long term girlfriend, and all three are there when the boy turns up to the park one day in tears and a nasty looking black eye, the result of a heated argument with his dad.

Tobi is probably the quietest within there little group, the most introverted out of the lot of them, happy to sit by himself in his own quiet while the rest are shouting and laughing at each other. But occasionally Josh will join him. Sometimes the two will just sit in nothing but silence, the two completely comfortable in each others company.

Tobi often wonders what thoughts the other boy has swimming around in his head. The boy comes out with a lot of weird stuff but occasionally he will say something that sounds like it has come straight from a philosophers mouth. Josh obviously has a lot of stuff going on in that secretive mind of his, but it is a mind that comes in use more than once. He has a knack for getting people out of trouble and talking sense into them, no matter who they are. 

It is through Josh that Tobi meets JJ.


	5. Meeting JJ

JJ is twelve when he first meets Josh and the other boy is thirteen. During the weekends JJ often likes to use the underground to roam the streets of London. His parents think he is going out with friends, and sometimes he is, but the thing is those friends never seem to stay friends for long before he manages to scare them away or creep them out. He tries, he really does; it's not like he doesn't want people to like him, but even at the age of twelve JJ knows he does not have a normal personality. His brain works in a slightly different way to others and it often gets him in trouble. Stuff that he often thinks is a brilliant idea turns out to be dumb and stupid and the worst ideas in the world.

On one weekend one of these ideas is shoplifting. It's not like he's wanting for anything; his parents are well off, earning a fair amount of money in their day jobs. Enough to send him to a good school anyway. No, the idea of shoplifting just suddenly appeals to him and before he knows it, he's walking out of a second hand shop with a video game under his shirt. He doesn't even know what he's got until he's far enough away to risk taking a peek and realises he's picked up Bratz: The Movie game.

He's not impressed and is about to chuck the game away when a hand reaches out and grabs him by the shoulder. JJ instantly lashes out at the stranger but the other boy is too quick, jumping to the side with a cocky smirk.

"Caught," the boy says. He's skinny and is wearing far too many layers for a hot day like it is.

"The fuck you want?" JJ politely replies. The boy's accent is one which he associates with London gangs and he immediately thinks this boy is here to mug him or something.

Instead of assaulting him the boy holds out his hand and after a moment of confusion JJ realises it is there for him to shake. He does so with much suspicion. He is told by the stranger that his name is Josh and that he'd been going about his business when he'd seen JJ steal the game. After a bit more discussion Josh realises JJ definitely isn't a bad kid and is in hysterics at the game the younger boy has nicked.

After a while JJ goes to make a move but Josh stops him and tells him he has to take the game back. JJ says "hell no!" absolutely not. He's too scared. What if he gets arrested or something? For a naive twelve year old that seems entirely plausible. Seeing how much this terrifies the younger boy, instead of forcing JJ to take it back Josh makes him swear he will never do it again and takes the video game back himself.

JJ thinks the strange boy is insane, that surely he is going to get in a load of trouble, but somehow, with a smart mouth and a quick thinking mind Josh is able to get off with a harsh telling off from the store owner. Josh tells him that he should put his quick hands to better use, like knitting or something. JJ calls Josh a rude word and the older boy leaves laughing. Later JJ feels a bit bad that he never got to thank the boy properly for saving his skin. He really is grateful for what the stranger did for him. But London is a big place filled with hundreds of thousands of people. He doesn't think he will see the boy again.

However as it happens, a few months later JJ see's Josh at the park near Southbank. He gets the chance to apologise and thank him properly now. The older boy seems pleased to see him again, a rare experience for JJ, and approves of his retirement from shoplifting. Josh invites JJ to have a kick about with some of his friends. JJ agrees readily; hardly anyone ever includes him in the fun. 

To his surprise he also finds out that Josh's right hand man is Simon, as in Simon from his own school. Up until now he and Simon have never really spoken; Simon is very popular at school and JJ is not. There's no rivalry between them, but until now there had been no commonality. As it happens he finds out that he and Simon get along very well when they give each other a chance and the two plan to meet up after school some day. Josh's other friends are all really cool too, especially two kids called Tobi and Ethan. By the end of their time at the park JJ wishes that he had friends as cool as Josh's.

As if he could read his mind Josh invites him out of the blue to a music studio where his friend records. JJ agrees without hesitation, he's got nothing else planned for today. He doesn't really make plans, he can never stick to them.

The studio is a few stops away on the tube and they end up in what JJ views as a scary part of London. The older boy seems perfectly at home though. They enter through a graffiti covered doorway to a small room with a lot of older boys laughing, drinking and recording music. Josh is immediately swept off his feet by one of them and put into a head lock.

Despite being fairly intimidated at the start, JJ ends up having a great time at the studio, especially when they let him have a go in the booth. Josh is the only white kid in the studio but they all seem to love him. He's somewhat of a mascot, all decked out in their own branded snapback and t-shirt. 

That was one thing JJ comes to learn and love about the other boy; his love of music, and not just one genre. Josh sometimes likes to pretend he only listens to rap and grime music but the truth is that he listens to just about anything from any genre, be it pop or heavy metal. From Elvis to Eminem and from Beyonce to The Beatles, he knows a lot of songs and can start singing random lyrics from a word someone else has said at any given time.

He was weird and random but never in a way that intimidated people, he was just a sweet kid. JJ honestly believes that without Josh he have been much more of a tearaway as a child and he knows his parents appreciate the older boy keeping an eye out for their wildcard son; and as they grow up there is definitely more than one time that Josh has to resolve some sort of situation JJ accidentally causes. Between him and Ethan they keep Josh's hands full.

As far as maturity goes, JJ is most certainly the slowest when it comes to growing up. He fully well knows it too. He knows he doesn't have a filter and he knows he can be a huge pain with his moaning and hyperactive-ness. JJ doesn't do emotional talks or deep conversations very well either but when he does he will either go to Josh or Simon. Usually Josh though. The boy just somehow always knows what the right thing to say is when JJ is in one of his bad moods. He's straight with JJ when the younger boy is acting like an idiot but he never belittles him like so many people have done in the past.

Josh is able to get people to see another side to JJ and help them realise that he's not completely crazy all the time, and when he is most of the time it's all part of his strange charm. Kids that will usually shy away from him after five minutes are persuaded to stick around for a while when Josh is also nearby.

It is through Josh that JJ meets Vik.


	6. Meeting Vik

Vik is eleven when he meets Josh for the first time. Josh is fourteen. Vik's family has recently moved to London from Sheffield, talk about completely different worlds. Vik is small and quite timid for his age and London is full of a lot of big personalities. It takes the young boy a while before he doesn't feel lost at all times whenever he sets foot outside.

As it happens, it is getting lost for real that allows him to meet Josh. His family have gone out for a meal and Vik has wondered off to take some photos of the Thames. It's a nice evening, chilly seeing as it's almost Christmas, and the evening sun is casting a pretty reflection on the water.

Vik doesn't think he's walked off too far, but when he turns back to try and find his family, he can't see them anywhere. Anxiously, he searches the bank for them, but ends up walking off in completely the wrong direction, common sense never was his strong point.

After half an hour the young boy is very upset and there are tears forming in his eyes. He is alone in a new city and he has no idea what he's meant to do next. If people notice the upset boy they don't try and help, it's none of their concern, they'd just rather walk on by and pretend they saw nothing. Vik wished he was allowed a phone of his own so all this mess could have been avoided.

He is sitting with his head down at a bench when he senses someone sitting next to him. He stiffens and hopes it isn't anyone too scary or creepy. Looking to his left he is relieved to find a boy only a few years older than himself. The boy his dressed all in black except for a grey beanie, kind of scary except he is carrying a build-a-bear bag with him. Vik decides he isn't in danger with this kid.

"Are you alright?" the boy asks him after a few seconds.

Vik is startled. He's not the best at talking to strangers, especially other kids, he's always been better at talking to adults.

"Umm," is all manages to say.

The boy turns and smiles kindly at him. Hazel eyes shining under the Christmas lights. "Not in the festive spirit are we?"

"I got lost..." Vik feels kind of stupid admitting it to this boy, but right now he's just hoping this kid will help him out in some way. Maybe just lend him a phone or change so he can call his parents.

"You mean to?" asks, seriously this time.

"What?"

"You mean to get lost? I understand if you did. I used to "get lost" all the time when I was your age." Vik has no idea what the boy is talking about, and it must show on his face because the strange kid leaves the topic alone.

"C'mon kid," he says standing up.

When Vik looks up in confusion, he explains, "I saw a couple who looked like they could be your parents searching frantically further up river. They had another kid with them, about this tall, wearing a blue jacket." Yes! That was his brother.

Vik stands up with a big smile on his face and the boy takes him by the hand, even though they are both too old to be doing such a thing. He takes them to takes him to the nearest restaurant and asks to use their phone so Vik can call his parents. They find out each others names while they wait and Josh is quite amused to learn that Vik was called Vik, he just said he associated that name with old men in the pubs. Josh keeps Vik entertained while they wait and he doesn't leave the small boy's side until his parents come and collect him.

His mum and dad are eternally grateful for Josh taking care of there son, and offer to give him a lift to the station. Josh accepts and Vik is able to get to know the older boy a bit more in the car. He finds out that he already has a part time job at fourteen with his friend Tobi and that the bear in the bag is a kind of joke Christmas present for his oldest friend Simon.

Vik's parents ask him about his own parents, wanting to know what age they allowed Josh out on his own. Josh says they never really cared what he did and Vik can see that immediately sets alarm bells ringing in his father's - who is a pediatrician - head. Josh, sensing that what he's said hadn't gone down too well, quickly corrects himself and just says he was always too independent for his own good.

Nevertheless, his statement leads his parents to ask him over for dinner. Vik blushed when they ask, as if they are showing him up in front of a new friend, but to his surprise Josh graciously accepts the offer.

And so that one meal on a Friday night lead into meals most Friday nights. And Vik and Josh become good friends. After a year or so Josh asks if he can bring some of his other friends round and Vik is excited if not a little nervous. The first meeting goes very well though, even if he was a little bit intimidated by JJ at the start when the boy randomly starts humping a chair. Josh assures him that JJ is a good guy deep down so Vik believes him.

Vik is always aware that his parents are interested in Josh's home situation but the older boy is a master at avoiding any too in-depth questions. Vik thinks his parents are also afraid if they pry to much the boy will just stop turning up anyway.

One time Josh turns up with his wrist in a cast. He never tells them how it happened and his parents never ask. Vik thinks he knows how it happened. He and the other lads often have long conversations when Josh isn't around about what a piece of shit his dad is. Sometimes his parents will ask him if Josh was okay and Vik would say he was.

Josh's life wasn't perfect but he always tried to see the best in a situation. He is always the motivator in their group, making the others see that not everything is always doom and gloom. He can act like he can cope with anything but sometimes, occasionally, Josh needs to be around someone who has been protected from so many of the horrors he had to witness at a young age.  That's why he likes having Vik around.

Josh is a tough kid but sometimes he just seems so naive. Like when Vik's family finds out he's never eaten out at a proper restaurant before and decide to treat him to a meal out. Vik is unsure if his friend finds it more enjoyable or stressful. The boy is nervous throughout the whole meal, constantly asking if he's using the right cutlery or what the French named meals meant.

At the end though, Josh says that was one of the best nights of his life. That's also the same night that he tells Vik he's one of his best mates. Vik teases about it and Josh laughs it off but they both know the words were true. Josh, along with Simon, Ethan, Tobi and JJ had become the type of friends he never thought he'd have. He never thought guys like them would want to hang out with a nerdy kid like him.

But none of them were ones to play by the stereotypes. None of them wanted to just be like every other kid their age. They had plans, big plans. The six were going to go places, and they were going to do it together, as a team, as a family. But then again, it's funny how things never work out quite the way you expect them to.


	7. Walking Home

It was just gone four o'clock on a Friday in September 2010. Tobi and Josh were walking home from school, just like they had been doing every day for the past seven years. As was normal, the moment they had exited through the school gates, they had both altered their uniforms to look cooler. Ties were lost and snapbacks and beanies were worn. Josh had also pulled on a black hoodie to protect him from the chill in the autumn air. Although it had been nearly a year since his hospital stint, his body still wasn't in top condition, and he tended to get ill easier than most kids.

He didn't let it affect him too much though and took part in more extracurriculars than was healthy for the average student. He always told Tobi it was good for him, keeping his mind occupied with other stuff, and it meant that he was now one of the most well-liked pupils at school, seeing as he was friends with just about every group. Tobi didn't mind; he was still Josh's best friend at school and that was all that mattered.

"What are you doing?" Tobi asked as the other boy leapt onto a garden wall and began balancing along it like he was five years old.

"Getting a good view innit," the boy cheekily replied, holding his arms out for balance and ignoring the looks three old women were giving him.

Tobi shook his head at him in vague amusement. "We're not little kids any more," he said.

"I am," Josh argued, exactly like a little kid.

"You let Ethan and Vik rub off on you too much," Tobi decided.

The older boy paused and gave him a funny look. "Well that sounds bad."

Tobi just threw his empty drinks can at him. "Idiot," he joked, as Josh dodged and jumped back down.

Putting his arm around the smaller boy he told him, "Technically you still are a kid."

"Yeah and technically you and Simon are old men now bro," Tobi teased. The Duo as their little group had nicknamed the oldest two boys, had both turned eighteen in early September. Simon had thrown a massive party at his house and invited all his school friends, of which he had a lot, and they had caused a riot in his house and later on, in his street. Simon said that his parents told him he was never allowed to have any form of party at home again.

For Josh it was a lot more of a quiet affair. The boy could have thrown a party just as wild as Simon's if he wanted to, but instead he just preferred to invite the five of them to a secret location he had never shown anyone before. It was nowhere special really, just an abandoned building that had a roof which provided pretty cool views over the city, but it meant something to Josh. He had told them that it was the place he always ran to whenever anything got too bad at home, and that by showing them where it was, he was putting a lot of trust in them.

They all felt a sense of privilege at that. Even though Josh was their closest friend, they all knew he wasn't a boy who trusted easily, so by the guy himself telling them that he trusted them, they decided they hadn't done a bad job at being his friend.

"I think you'll find the term you're looking for is dignified," Josh retorted to Tobi's earlier remark, raising his head high and stroking his light stubble with one hand.

"Yeah in your grave maybe," Tobi shot back.

The two laughed and shoved each other around good-naturedly for a bit until a car beeped angrily at them for falling into the road. They walked on in a comfortable silence until the older boy spoke up again.

"Mr Anderson called me into his office again today," Josh suddenly said out of the blue.

"Again?" Tobi narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "What did he want?" he asked. Mr Anderson was the head of geography, a subject Josh loved but the moment the man had started at their school, the older boy had said there was something creepy about him. Tobi usually took Josh's word about first impressions, as he was a better judge of character, and had slowly realised himself that the quiet, balding man in glasses was a bit of a weirdo.

Josh however seemed to have built up some sort of tolerance for the guy, you'd have to the amount of times he was asked to stay behind to help with some sort of geography project or trip the teacher was planning. And at his question now, Josh just shrugged casually. "I think he just wants to make sure I'm doing okay," he explained. "Balancing work and school and stuff with my mum y'know?"

"Are you?" Both he and Josh had a job at a restaurant but the older boy also helped out his mum at the hairdressers when he could, especially more recently as her mental health had taken a turn for the worse.

"Yeah," Josh said a bit too quickly for his liking. "Yeah I'm doing alright," he assured him. "C'mon Tobi, you know when I'm lying so I don't even bother fam," he said, giving him a pat on the shoulder. "Stuff's alright, better than it has been in a while."

Tobi nodded. "Is that because you haven't seen your dad for two months?"

Josh gave him a sidelong glance. "Maybe," he said shortly. His dad had been on a business trip to America, things were really kicking off for the man. Tobi didn't know if he wished the guy success so he would hopefully be in a better mood and treat his son better, or if he wanted everything to fail as payback for everything he had already inflicted upon Josh.

Josh never liked to talk about it anyway. He always had other stuff going on to think to much about it and didn't like being questioned too much about his thoughts and feelings, as he proved right now.

"Anyway enough talk about me. Have you thought anymore about what I told you?"

Tobi didn't need any more clues to know what the boy was on about.

"YouTube?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

Josh nodded and he sighed.

"I don't know, I wouldn't be anywhere as good as you. And I can't play Cod for shit you know that."

"Hey you're not that bad!" Josh interjected. "You can't compare yourself to the quick-scope master," he cockily said.

Tobi then went on a rant about why he wouldn't be good at it and usually Josh would listen attentively and offer advice where he could. This time though, Tobi noticed after a while that the older boy was not paying attention to him at all, instead he was looking somewhere across the road, his hazel eyes wary.

Tobi also turned but all he could make out were a few shops and cars parked up but the other boy's gaze was clearly focused on something or someone else more significant than that, his eyebrows lowered in confusion. "Josh?" he tried to follow his friend's line of sight but saw nothing, just a lot of other people making their way home from school and work. "You alright?" he asked with concern.

"Yeah," Josh shook his head and turned back to Tobi. "Yeah just thought I saw someone..."

"What? Who?"

"No one." Josh quickly said. "Guess I was mistaken."

Tobi would not have let it go that easily but Josh's phone beeped at that point, alerting him to a text message, and Tobi watched as the boy opened it up and smiled.

"Who is it?" he asked, although he could probably have guessed by Josh's expression.

"Simon." Josh replied, holding his phone up. "Games night round his tomorrow?"

Tobi nodded. "I'm always up for that."

That had been a new ritual lately. The six of them would meet at either Simon, Vik's or JJ's - because their houses were the largest - and would battle each other out on Cod or Fifa or whatever random game took their fancy. He, Josh and Vik would occasionally play Minecraft as well, although Vik was the only one who was really any good at it.

That was where the whole YouTube idea had come from. Josh was by far the best Cod player out of them and had started a channel last year just as a way to show off his skills. However it hadn't been just friends who had watched his videos, and with a bit of time spent on properly editing them to make them look good, his friend now had over sixty thousand subscribers. Not bad for a school kid.

After seeing his success Vik and JJ had quickly followed suit and were doing just as well. JJ especially was ganging attention quickly for his outrageous and over-the-top reactions. Sometimes in his comments the boys would read things like "oh, he's clearly faking it" and they would just be like, "nope, he is actually that crazy in real life".

The other three were still currently being persuaded by Josh to start as well although none of the five thought there was actually any way they could make a living out of it. At the moment Josh was the only one who said they could make it work. He had even gone out of his way to find other YouTubers to try and form some sort of gaming gang. There had been a few cool guys they had met, such Callux and Calfreezy and some young kid called Harry who they probably shouldn't have been talking to because of the age gap.

Still, the others were going to need a lot more encouragement from Josh before they would actually believe it was worth giving YouTube a shot. 

The two boys continued on their journey, talking about anything and everything until finally the two reached their parting point, Tobi's flat. "What you doing this evening?" he asked before Josh left.

Normally Josh would shrug and give him a one word answer but for some reason today was different. "Not much, not until my mum's gone to bed anyway," Josh gave a small smile, although there wasn't really any joy behind it. "Some days I hate her for being ill, and then I end up hating myself for thinking that." The older boy seemed disgusted of himself for even saying that and Tobi was taken aback by this sudden statement, a rare open-hearted one, and didn't quite know what to say.

"Josh..." Tobi wanted to hug the older boy at that point, or offer him some form of comfort, but as usual his friend blinked hard a few times, straightened himself up, and put his invisible mask back on, his facial expression once more one of forced happiness.

"Don't mind me, I'll be fine. I always am!" He laughed, before he turned around and sauntered off, putting his headphones on, hands in pockets, head down, like he was a big man.

In some ways, Tobi thought, he definitely was; but on the other hand he was still just a kid who found enjoyment in the smallest of things, like walking on a wall instead of a pavement for example.


	8. At Simon's Home

Something was wrong. Simon couldn't say how, but he just knew something was wrong with Josh. Having known the boy for so long, no words needed to be spoken for the blond to get a feeling that not all was right in Josh's world.

Well, a lot wasn't right in Josh's world but that was all stuff he had been dealing with for years. So when he noticed the slight edge is friend had about him, the slightly more terse answers and the slightly less real smiles, he just knew something new had arisen. What though, he had no idea.

All the lads were around his playing cod that night; there were take-away boxes spread out around them on the floor and all the Diet Coke and Dr Pepper they could want. Vik had just got the final kill in the round with a knife and both Simon and Josh had both sung the words "what a man, what a man" whilst doing the same weird dance move.

The others had laughed hysterically at them and it had left Vik shaking his head in wonder. "Okay you two freak me out sometimes," he said while the duo high fived.

"Don't be jel, be reem," Josh said back, before standing up to go and clear up some of the mess in the kitchen. Simon smiled. That was why Josh was his parents favourite, because a lot of the time he would leave the house cleaner than he found it.

Seeing an opportunity to talk to the boy separately, Simon got up and followed him. It was an open plan room, with no wall dividing the living room from the kitchen, but it would give them a bit of privacy. It may be a little bit of a boast but Simon knew if Josh was going to open up to anyone about problems he was having, it would be him. The others didn't call them the duo for nothing.

"Hey you alright?" he asked tentatively as he watched Josh begin to put the plates in the dishwasher.

His friend spun around, surprised to see Simon there. "Yeah," he said automatically, too quick for Simon's liking. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Simon shrugged. "I don't know and I never do with you, not until you tell me yourself at least." The boy was like a closed book.

Josh waved him off. "I'm fine mate," he insisted.

Simon could see through the lie instantly. He may have had the others fooled but not him. He knew he couldn't push Josh to say anything though.

"You know you're my best friend, don't you Josh?"

The other boy laughed at that comment until he turned back and saw how serious Simon was being. He gave a little nod. "I know," he replied quietly.

"And you know I never have and never will judge you for anything," the blond continued, moving to stand closer to Josh.

The dark haired boy let out a small laugh. "Yeah I know that too." His hazel eyes looked up to meet Simon's, and for a brief glimpse the other boy honestly believed they were the most open he had ever seen them. Every bit of hurt was visible for a few brief seconds in those orbs.

But then Josh looked away and Simon's shoulders sagged in defeat. "It's just the stuff with my mum y'know," Josh vaguely admitted. "I don't think her new meds are working out that well for her."

Simon nodded. He knew the love Josh felt for his mum sometimes caused him more pain than anything else. But still sensed that wasn't the full issue here; that the other boy was hiding something else from him.

"Oi! You two lovebirds done making out yet?" Ethan called out to them from the living room and he two boys shared an amused look. Simon knew exactly what Josh was thinking and went along with it, pulling the slightly smaller boy into his arms.

"What you saying about me and bae?" he questioned, pretending to sound angry.

"Yeah," Josh piped up. "Leave me and boo alone."

Their little skit brought out more cackles of laughter from the younger boys and the two pulled apart.

"Yeah we're coming," Josh told them, as he walked back to join them.

Simon sighed once more. That conversation hadn't given him nearly as much information as he hoped it would. Damn Josh for being so stubborn when it came to his true feelings. But then again, he thought, there would always be another games night or maybe when they were at the park, when he could try and talk to Josh again.

He'd just have to wait until next time, Simon decided as he walked back to the others too.

Little did he know that the next time wouldn't come, and that that little chat with Josh would be the last one on one conversation anyone would have with the boy for a very long time.


	9. The Disappearance

It was getting quite late and Simon's parents had gone to bed already, warning the boys to keep the noise down unless they wanted to be kicked out. The six had been playing various video games for nearly five hours and they were all kind of winding down. None of them wanted their time together to end quite yet though, and one of them had a particular idea on how to infect some more energy into the group

"I know what we need!" he exclaimed loudly, jumping to his feet. "Alcohol!"

Josh rolled his eyes in fondness. "And where are you gonna get alcohol from JJ?" he asked the excited younger boy.

JJ folded his arms cockily and nodded to the dark haired boy. "Not where are we, where are you?" he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Vik snickered as he saw Simon team up with his school friend on this one. "He's right, you are eighteen, the point man."

"So are you," Josh shot back.

"But you're still older," Simon retorted teasingly. "Three days is still older, grandpa."

Tobi and Ethan also echoed their agreement to send Josh out to buy beer for them. Vik was quieter, as usual, and he wasn't all that keen on drinking anyway. He is still only fifteen and it wasn't a big priority for him. Annoying Josh could be fun though, so he didn't stick up for him as the oldest turned to him with pleading hazel eyes, merely grinning at him instead.

Josh sighed drastically. "Fine, I hate you all," he mumbled, going to fetch his bag and coat, it was a cold night out. "You don't get to choose though and you all pay me back," he told them moodily as he walked to the door, although Vik knew he and the other boys could tell he wasn't too bothered. Josh would complain and moan but he'd do anything for any of them if they pestered him enough.

"We love you Dad!" they all called out before he shut the door and Vik was startled by JJ jumping on him and initiating a wrestling match. Vik then instantly regretted allowing Josh to leave as he knew he would always help him fight back against a wild JJ, unlike the others who found it hilarious. Tobi eventually stepped up and got JJ in a headlock until Simon hissed at both of them to shut up.

They all sat and just chatted for a while, mostly about school, girls they liked, teachers they hated, rivals they had already made. Tobi took the opportunity now he was gone to tell them about Josh's problems at school. The boy was popular with students and teachers as ever but Tobi could tell he was extra stressed recently.

Vik had to agree. Just by seeing him tonight, Vik noticed the oldest appeared slightly more downcast than usual. Some unknown factor was definitely taking its toll on him.

They continued to chat until Simon glanced at the clock. It was nearly half eleven. Josh had been gone just over half an hour. He shared an uncertain glance with Vik. "Where is he?" he asked the youngest. The nearest shop wasn't that far away and even the second nearest was within ten minutes walking range.

Vik shrugged. "I dunno," he tried to sound casual, but he couldn't help the slight worry creeping into his voice.

They let it go anyway. Josh was probably just caught chatting to someone he knew.

About twenty minutes later Simon let his own concern be fully known. "He should have been back ages ago," he insisted glancing at the clock again.

Five minutes later, and a lot of phone calls later, it was fair to say they were all pretty worried about the lack of Josh.

"I can't get through to him either. It's either off or dead," Ethan said, after he tried calling the older boy once the others had failed to get through.

Simon stood up and began pacing, rubbing at his arms like he always did when he was nervous. "Something's not right," he murmured, more to himself than anyone else.

"Relax Simon," Ethan tried to calm the blond. "He's fine. What's do you think's going to happen to him?"

It was true. Most people their age would have thought it was silly to be worrying over another so much. But Josh wouldn't have just been delayed of so long or gone somewhere else without letting one of them know.

"I just..." Simon took a few deep breaths. "I just know alright," he said firmly.

Vik believed him. Out of all of them, Simon and Josh, the duo, they had a connection that was almost otherworldly. They just knew each other so well that they almost had the kind of sixth sense when it came to the others feelings and emotions. If Simon wasn't happy then Vik wasn't happy.

"Well what do want to do?" he asked.

Simon looked down and took a few more deep breaths, trying to calm himself before looking back up and saying very seriously: "I'm gonna wake my mum and dad up and tell them Josh has gone missing."

Ethan and JJ were still not quite as concerned as the rest of them, both insisting the oldest could take care of himself.

"It's only been just over an hour," Ethan pointed out.

"Yeah, and the corner shop is less than five minutes away!" Simon shot back and they both quietened down. No one was going to go against Simon on this one.

"Won't you be in massive trouble, I mean if they knew he was buying alcohol for us," JJ said.

"I don't give a fuck and neither should you!" Simon replied, raising his voice, no longer worried about waking his parents. "Besides, I can just tell them he was buying it for me and him," he reassured the boy who always seemed to be getting in trouble.

"What should I do?" Tobi asked, the only other who could rival Simon for knowing Josh the best.

Simon smiled at him gratefully. "Tobi, you and some of the lads can go and check the route he would have taken, maybe ask at the corner shop if they saw him," he suggested. "Just keep an eye out,"

Tobi nodded. "On it. Ethan, JJ, you're with me."

The three got up to go and leave but not before Tobi placed a hand on Simon's shoulder, looking him in the eyes. "Si, you think something bad's happened, don't you?" he asked.

"He's not been himself recently Tobi," the tall boy responded quietly, so that only Vik, who was standing right next to them, heard.

"I know. I've seen it too," Tobi said, before walking to the door.

"Make sure you lot come back," Simon half heartedly teased as he shut the door on them. He then went upstairs while Vik stayed on his own in the living room, waiting anxiously for whatever was going to happen next.

Simon returned a few minutes later with his parents in their pyjamas, looking sleepy but not at all angry at having been unexpectedly woken up. They asked them a few questions like where Josh had gone and how long ago, both clearly concerned when they learned of the facts of the situation. Other than that though, there wasn't really much they could do other than try to reassure the two boys until their friends returned from their search.

"Anything?" Simon asked the moment the other three returned, standing up eagerly hoping for some good news.

"The guy at the shop definitely saw Josh, knew who we were on about the instant we described him," Ethan informed him before frowning. "Said he left nearly an hour ago, alcohol in hand."

If Simon's parents took in the alcohol part, they didn't say anything about it, his mum immediately stepping into action. "Okay, here's what we're going to do boys. We're going to contact anyone who knows Josh and see if they've heard anything from him," she told them all.

"Shouldn't we be reporting him missing or something?"

"You have to wait at least twenty four hours before filing a missing persons report JJ," Simon explained. "Besides, this is Josh, he's been known to...go off the grid before."

"But not like this, and not with you."

Simon was silent. He knew what JJ was telling him was true.

They all jumped as Ethan's phone suddenly rang, obviously hoping it would be their missing friend telling them everything was okay, but from the expression on Ethan's face as he left the room to go and chat, it clearly wasn't Josh.

"It's my mum," Ethan told them as he walked back into the room. "She was wandering when I was coming back and now she's coming over."

Vik smiled despite himself. He could well imagine Ethan's mum grabbing her car keys the moment she heard Josh had gone awol.

Shit, he thought. Someone was going to have to let Josh's mum know too. That wasn't going to be an easy conversation but hopefully Ethan's mum could do it, seeing as the two women were quite close.

"I'm going to call your parents to get them to pick you up Vik, okay?" Simon's dad told him.

"No! I want to stay!" Vik exclaimed. Just because he was the youngest didn't mean he couldn't help. Then again, who did he know who he could contact about Josh? No one really, they were all here in this room. That's what he got for being the quiet kid.

"Hey, I'll let you know the moment we here anything," Simon tried to reassure him despite the blond looking the most frazzled. He put his arm around the smallest's shoulders. "I promise."

Vik looked up at him with big, worried eyes. "Why's he gone Simon?" The question came out more pitiful than he meant it to.

"I don't know," Simon admitted. "But I'm sure he'll turn up soon. Maybe it's just a problem with his mum or something and he's had to rush home," he tried to think up excuses to keep the youngest happy. Vik could see right through them but he appreciated it all the same.

"Yeah maybe," he said quietly.

Simon gave his shoulders another squeeze. "Chin up kid," he told him.

Vik tried. He tried to put on a brave face like Simon and the rest of them but the truth was he was insanely worried. Josh just wouldn't do this. He just wouldn't.

However like Simon had asked of him, he tried to have a positive outlook. Maybe he would go home and then Simon would ring him a few hours later saying they'd located Josh. Maybe he'd wake up in the morning and have a hundred texts from Josh himself apologising for his disappearance, just like the older boy always did when he was guilty of something.

Yeah, maybe things would be okay.


	10. The Morning After

The first thing Ethan saw when he woke up from his temporary bed on Simon's family couch was the form of the tall boy sitting on the living room window seat, head in hands, staring out of the window into the rainy day.

Ethan himself had been up until about half four trying to help with finding their missing friend before tiredness overcame him and he'd passed out amongst the cushions. Apparently, it seemed the same had not occurred to Simon, his eyes red with tiredness as he turned to face the waking boy, his hair sticking up in random directions.

The younger boy rubbed at his own eyes as he sat up, propping himself up on his hands. "Have you even been to sleep?" was the first thing he asked the blond boy.

The boy shook his head. "I couldn't," he simply said, his voice quiet, dry and raspy, and Ethan had to wonder whether the boy had been crying.

He didn't want to put Simon on the spot though and had more urgent thoughts in his mind. "Well then?" he questioned, hope in his face but deep down he already knew the answer.

His older friend sighed and swung round so he was facing him. "No one's heard anything Ethan, his mum's a mess, no one from school's heard from him, not Frey or Lewis," he admitted, expression downcast. "We even tried contacting people like Cal and Harry, just in case they'd heard anything, but no, there was nothing." He looked down at his own lap before saying quietly: "Nobody knows anything."

Ethan felt his heart go out to the blond, who looked absolutely broken. Ethan was too but he knew that whatever pain and worry he was feeling right now, it was going to be twice as worse for Simon, He and Josh were inseparable, had been ever since they were barely walking and talking. With Josh gone it was like a piece if Simon was missing too.

"You look exhausted Simon," Ethan pointed out softly.

"Well it's not me you should be fucking worried about," the boy snapped, immediately changing his tone straight after, shocked by his own harshness.

"Ethan," he said, walking over to the younger boy. "Ethan I'm sorry," he apologised, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder and giving him a small smile. "C'mon, let's go and get some breakfast," he decided.

That sounded fine by Ethan. He just wanted to do something that felt normal at the moment and the late night session had made him extra hungry. Walking into Simon's family kitchen was another harsh reminder though of the previous night; sheets of paper with almost indistinct scribbles of phone numbers were scattered across the table, the efforts of a major round up of all of Josh's family, friends and known acquaintances. When Ethan had eventually called it a night Simon and his mum and dad were still scraping the bucket for anyone they might have missed.

It was empty now though and the two boys were quiet as they took out bowls and Simon began rummaging around in the cupboards for some suitable food. Breakfast was rarely eaten by either of them, they wouldn't normally be up at this hour.

"What do we do now?" Ethan asked as he sat down at the table.

"Keep on trying to find him," the blond answered with determination. "We still can't file a missing persons report but I've put messages up on Facebook to see if anyone has seen him or just knows anything."

Ethan nodded to himself. "Someone must know something," he agreed. "People don't just disappear into thin air!" he exclaimed, knowing fully well that if history was anything to go by, they very well could. He needed to be positive right now however and Simon seemed to share his sentiment.

"Exactly," the boy said as he held up a box of cereal and some bread. "What would you like?"

The younger boy shrugged, not really fussed. "Cereals fine."

They were silent again as they both poured out the fibrous contents into the white bowls and slowly ate, the sound of the clock ticking on the whole and the morning traffic outside providing the only backing track.

"What are you thinking about?" Simon suddenly asked out of the blue and Ethan realised that he had probably just been staring into his now soggy cereal for a good few minutes.

He sighed. "You don't suppose..." he paused, trying not to trip over his own words as he said something he really didn't want to be thinking about. "You don't think he would have done it on purpose, disappeared, do you Simon?" He looked to the older boy with large eyes, begging for some reassuring answer. "You don't think he would have runaway?"

There was another silence and Ethan began to worry he had just pissed the older boy off with his comment but then the blond cleared his throat slightly and voiced his own thoughts. "Josh has a lot of issues going on in his life, you know that." Ethan hummed in agreement. He really did. "And recently, I've seen it boiling up inside of him, and I know you must have as well." Again Ethan nodded in agreement.

Simon rubbed a hand over his face, trying to wake himself up still. "If Josh had wanted to runaway from his problems I wouldn't have blamed him, even though he never would have," he quickly added. "But one thing I know for certain: he would never run away from us."

That was it. That was what Ethan believed too. Josh wouldn't just leave them with no explanation, especially not the boy in front of him.

"How long is it you've known each other for now?" He felt a slight change in conversation was needed right now.

It made the older boy smile as well, as small as it was. "Thirteen years," he replied.

"And it's nine years for me...where does the time go eh?"

"We're all growing up, even Vik."

Ethan laughed at that. It was true that even Vik was no longer the sweet little kid they had all first been introduced to. He didn't want the boy to grow up too quickly though, there was something Ethan liked about the way the boy still looked up to him in a certain way.

"What was he like, back when you first met him I mean?" he asked Simon.

"Strange. In a good way." Now it was the blond's turn to let out a soft laugh, his eyes glazed over in reminiscence. "I couldn't really work it out at the time but I knew there was something different about him, he was just," his smile widened a bit "yeah, he was a funny little kid. Wise beyond his years but at the same time just a kid who wanted to play pirates in the park."

"I remember him telling me about that."

"Oh yeah, we were the Pirate Kings!"

Both boys chucked at times long since past before Ethan brought their attention back to the present. "He wouldn't leave his mum either," he insisted. "That's my first memory of him, smiling at his mum while I was being a dickhead to mine."

"Not many kids would have wanted to help their mum out in the hairdressers," Simon murmured.

"No, they wouldn't. And I honestly believe if it wasn't for him, me and my mum wouldn't be nearly as close as we are now. He taught me to..." Ethan shook is head, no words accurate enough to describe just how he felt. "To just appreciate what she does for me more," he finally settled for.

"You're not as bad as you like to make out to be Ethan."

The younger boy shrugged casually. "Yeah well you know," he smirked, raising his eyebrows a few times. "The girls love a bad boy."

Simon pulled a face. "You're not into girls yet," he teased.

"Oh fuck off."

The older boy just grinned at him as he collected their bowls and placed them in the dishwasher.

"Have you seen his mum yet?" Ethan queried. He'd been so caught up in everything going on that he'd forgot to check up on how the woman who was basically like his second mum was doing.

"No...but your mum's been with her a lot," Simon told him, the frown returning to his face. "She's not in a good place," he admitted.

Ethan could only imagine. This couldn't have happened at a worse time for the woman really, just as her anti-depressants were being altered and her mood was unpredictable at best.

"What about his dad?" he asked.

Simon waved a dismissive hand at the question. "I'll deal with that later, but hopefully we'll have Josh back by then and we won't need to resort to talking to him."

"You should get some rest mate," Ethan repeated after the blond had to catch himself on the counter after he swayed to far one way after standing up. He looked absolutely exhausted.

"Mmm," the boy mumbled.

"Simon," Ethan warned, ready to force the boy to his bedroom when there was a loud and rapid knock on the door.

Simon's head shot up straight away. "The fuck?" he muttered, walking quickly into the hallway, Ethan close behind.

Ethan didn't know what to expect when Simon opened the door, of course a part of him hoped it was their missing friend, but what he did not see coming was their other friends leaning heavily against the outside wall, eyes wide with panic.

"Tobi!" Simon exclaimed, leaning down to check the smaller boy was okay. "What's up guys?" he asked him and JJ who had both yet to say a word.

Looking at them now Ethan could see they looked almost as tired as Simon, both most likely having been up the majority of the night too, but more alert because of the obvious run they had just undertaken.

Taking a few more seconds to catch his breath, Tobi looked up to Simon and said with a quiver in his voice: "Me and JJ were having another recce in the area and..." he had to stop as his breath caught in his throat.

Unable to continue JJ spoke up on his behalf. "And we ran into some of Josh's mates from school, they were also out doing the same thing." He paused also, having to psych himself up for what he had to say, and reached down behind him. "And they found these," he said, voice also wobbling as he held up the last items Ethan wanted to see.

It was Josh's bag in his left hand, dirty and wet, and in his other hand was Josh's phone, completely smashed and broken beyond repair.

The only thing Ethan heard next was a cry of pain next to him and turned just in time to see Simon fall to the floor, tears now fully flowing from his eyes as he reacted to the worst possible news they could have received. 


	11. Still Missing

"C'mon Simon, one of us can do it. I know you and Josh are the duo and all but we can answer the questions just as well."

The blond was putting up a fight. It had been two nights since Josh's disappearance and he was still yet to sleep. "I...I should be the one," he insisted, even though his eyes were shutting as he did so and his words slurred off his tongue. To everyone else he looked like he might pass out at any moment and his father was obviously concerned.

"Son," he said gently, placing a comforting but firm hand on the blond's shoulder. "Let one of the other boys do it. You can still be here."

He was making sense, Simon knew it. It was best if someone coherent spoke to the police. And it wasn't like he could offer up anything the other boys couldn't.

"Yeah...yeah alright," he agreed slowly, handing the phone to Tobi. That boy had the best phone manner.

Glancing nervously at them as he dialled 101 like the website had instructed them to, the others waited anxiously until it was answered. "Hello?" Tobi spoke, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Yeah um...I...we'd like to report a person missing, it's been over twenty four hours and still no one's heard from him." They all watched as Tobi nodded, intently listening to whatever the person on the other end of the line was saying to him. "Yeah that's fine. They're just gonna ask me some questions," he informed the others.

Simon could only sit by as Tobi listed off the standard details used to find a person. "Joshua Bradley...the 4th of September 1992." He also briefly described the boy's appearance before talking about his employment: "Yeah his official employment is at the restaurant but he also just helps out at his mum's hairdressers."

More chattering from the other end of the line and then Simon saw the younger boy's body tense slightly. "Uh we last saw him last night," he responded. "We were all at our friend's house and he was leaving to go to the shop which was like five minutes away, but he never came back and we tried contacting everybody."

There was more chattering and Simon had to resist the urge to snatch the phone off Tobi so he could hear what he was being told.

"Yeah um also two of our mates who were looking found his bag and phone in the nearby park," Tobi explained. "No the phone's been smashed." He paused his conversation to let them know: "They're gonna want us to bring the stuff down to the nearest station."

Simon's dad nodded. "I can do that."

After a few more moments conversation Tobi hesitated. "Um...hang on," he said, looking towards the others. "They want to know if he's at risk," he told them.

"What d'you mean?" Ethan asked.

"Like, I don't know..." He stopped as the woman clarified for him. "She says if he's had any trouble in the past or something similar."

They were all quiet. There was no straight forward answer to that one.

"Tell her yes." Simon broke the silence, setting his face firm as they all turned to him. "Tell her he's been acting strangely this week," he said decisively.

Tobi relayed this information and after a few more questions and a lot of listening on his part, he ended the cool with an, "Okay thank you, bye."

"Well?" Simon asked before Tobi had even finished his sentence.

"They're gonna have some guys come round to talk to us and his mum. They might want to search his house also," Tobi explained. "And they're going to put out an alert to the local police to search the area where we found his stuff and by the shop. Oh and they're gonna check any hospital admissions that match his description."

Simon waited for Tobi to say more but apparently that was it. "Is that all?" he asked in frustration. It just didn't seem like enough to him.

"She said if he's still missing after three days then they will contact the Missing Persons Bureau and they can assist," the boy said. "Other than that all we can do is continue to try and contact him ourselves."

Simon clenched his fists. It wasn't good enough. How was talking to them going to help anything? He just wanted people out there looking for his best friend.

"We could make posters," a timid voice spoke up beside him and Simon turned to see the youngest staring up at him, large brown eyes wide with worry.

He smiled warmly. "Yeah, that's actually a great idea Vik!" At least someone could see his point of view.

However while they all began to discuss ideas for the poster and where they could put them, his dad walked over and spoke to him firmly again. "Simon. Bed," he instructed.

The blond hadn't realised he was basically falling asleep leaning against the wall but he still wasn't about to give in.

"But dad–" he started to complain.

"No arguing," the man cut him off. "You need sleep too."

"But–"

"We'll be alright without you for a bit Si," Tobi interrupted this time with a small smile. "I promise."

It seemed there was no winning on this one. He was very tired...maybe resting his eyes for a bit would help him focus more.

"Okay...okay," he reluctantly agreed. "But I'm setting my alarm for three pm."

"Make it four," his dad countered.

The boy narrowed his eyes. "Four then." And with that he staggered off towards the stairs, having to resist the powerful pull to go back when his friends began talking about what they could do again.

"Stubborn as a mule that boy," his father told the others.

He had to smile at that one. Simon knew he was. It was one of the things Josh said he loved and hated about him.

Not bothering to change his clothes he just jumped under his covers as he was, setting his phone on the bedside table with an alarm to go off at half three. He was fast asleep within seconds. It wasn't a peaceful sleep though. He tossed and turned as nightmares plagued his mind, horrible images involving him or Josh or sometimes both. It hardly felt as if he'd slept at all when he was attacked by a small force jumping onto his bed, jolting him awake.

"Woah the fuck...wha'–?" he sat up blearily as a boy buried himself into the duvet covers next to him. "Vik?" he looked in confusion as the young boy hid his face in the pillow and placed a hand on his back.

"Police are here to interview us," the younger boy told him, voice muffled.

Simon took a glance towards the window. It was dark outside. He frowned. That wasn't right.

"What's the time?" he said, reaching over Vik to grab his phone and seeing it was almost half seven.

"JJ snuck up and turned your alarm off," the younger boy mumbled before Simon could kick up a fuss. "We wanted you to get a good sleep," he whispered, face still hidden, and only now did Simon notice that the boy was shaking slightly. Was he crying?

"What's happened?" he asked gently.

"Hmm..." the teen still refused to raise his head.

"Vik, just tell me," Simon begged.

"Erm...y'know the two officers who were searching the scene?" Vik began, eventually meeting Simon's worried gaze. "They um...they think they found something that might be of interest where JJ and Tobi found Josh's stuff." The boy's eyes were glistening. They looked as if they were threatening to overflow.

"What?" Simon grabbed his shoulders, urgent to get answers now. "What did they find Vik?"

The young boy took a deep but shaky breath, lower lip quivering. He glanced down once more before meeting Simon's blue orbs and opening his mouth.

"Blood," he simply said. "They found blood Simon."

...

...

...

_His head hurt. He was blinded, a blinding white light that left him reeling...wait, no, there was no light...it was pitch black, there was something covering his eyes...there was the blinding pain of white light, a thunderbolt through his head...his head hurt...there was something drying down the side of his cheek but he couldn't lift his hand to check it...his head hurt...he tried to move but he was too weak, or perhaps there was something tying him down...his head hurt...permanent blackness was settling in...he tried to stay awake but...his head hurt too much..._


	12. News Report

"An eighteen year old male, being named as Joshua Bradley, went missing during the late hours of Friday and is being considered endangered by the police. Bradley was last seen leaving Colton Street Corner Store at approximately quarter past eleven at night, having walked from his friends house on Ericsson Avenue, and has not contacted any family members or friends since. He may need medical attention, although details surrounding this have not yet been released to the press. He is known to frequent Southbank and police are urging anyone with information to contact 116000. We can now talk live to our correspondent-"

JJ muted the TV at that point. The lady stood in the park, where he and Tobi had gone out searching, wasn't going to tell him anything he didn't already know. He was supposed to go to school today but had outright refused, his parents unable to coax him from his spot in the sofa. He wanted to be ready if any new news came up. He also had a feeling that if he went to school, he might regret the way he would behave, especially with Simon not being there, the older boy also taking time off in order to raise the public's awareness.

Really he needed Josh here to be the level head, to reassure him that even though things were fucked up at the moment that he had a plan and he would see them through it. Simon was trying so hard to keep everyone motivated and optimistic but JJ could see right through his shields, the boy was breaking and crumbling on the inside, like the longer he and Josh were separated a small part of him was dying also.

At least the boy was always kept in the know. Simon's dad had been allocated as one of the investigators to find Josh, and would tell his son immediately in anything new arose. Like the DNA results from the blood found in the park, when it had been confirmed as their missing friend's. Or that a black car was spotted driving slowly behind Josh on CCTV after had left the shop, and was spotted driving away twenty minutes later. The car number plates had informed the police that it was stolen, nearly three months ago, but other than that small lead they had nothing.

As the ten o'clock news finished, JJ wondered how easy sleep would come to him that night, if at all. It was his fault. He had been the one to suggest, or rather demand, that Josh go and buy them alcohol. He'd been showing off, he knew he had been, in front of Ethan and Vik. It was just those two looked up to Simon and Josh so much and he would be lying if he said he didn't sometimes feel jealously. It all seemed so pointless now; what was a little bit of admiration when one of his best friends was missing.

His parents tried to cheer him up, suggesting that maybe Josh had received some bad news, that he had simply dropped his phone and bag in his urgency. No way, JJ had thought. Josh had loved that phone, had worked hard and saved up for it himself. There was no way he would have carelessly dropped it. Anyway that unbelievable theory still wouldn't explain the blood. It wasn't loads but it wasn't a little either, but then they had been told a few strands of Josh's hair had been found mixed amongst the blood, and that head wounds would bleed a lot even if it was a minor abrasion. 

But either way, the fact of the matter was that somebody had hurt his friend. It made his own blood boil thinking about it, and knowing that they could still have him, could still be hurting him, was not a remedy for a good night's sleep.

His friends were all remaining optimistic on the outside, as much as they could, but that wasn't who JJ was; he said things how they were, how he saw them. He couldn't explain how or why but he just knew, he knew they wouldn't be getting Josh back any time soon.

He had no idea how accurate he would actually be.

...

...

...

_The pain's eased off a bit now. He can think straighter, more clearly. None of that's any help if he still can't see though. It's pitch black, at least he thinks it is, unless the blindfold covering his eyes is a lot thicker than it feels. He's tried standing up a few times, but it's no good, whatever he's attached to and whatever was attaching him to it, was doing a good job. He stinks. There hasn't exactly been time for a toilet break. There's no space in his mind for embarrassment though, right now all he needs to do is get out of here...wherever here is._

_He doesn't remember much of that night, was it two, three days ago? He'd been walking back through the park when someone had jumped him from behind. He'd tried to fight back but the bastard had smashed his head against something. The same bastard who he assumed had him trapped here._

_The boys...what about the boys? He dreaded to think what they were going through. Simon...he almost laughed when he thought about how worried the blond would be right now, it would be funny if it weren't so fucked._

_And his mum, he needed to get back to his mum. He knew she wouldn't be able to cope long with him gone. What was happening? Why was he here? Were people out looking for him? Had anyone even missed him yet?_

_A noise suddenly grabs his attention, the sound of a heavy door slamming and slow foot steps heading towards him. His blindfold his pulled off and he is left reeling by the dramatic change in light, even though it is dim._

_Slowly a figure forms in front of him, his bleary eyes blinking rapidly trying to focus. When they do though, his blood runs cold. He knows this person, and it is not good._


	13. 2011

_One year missing..._

A lot can happen in one year, people grow up, move on, leave others behind; but also a whole lot of nothing can happen too. Such was the case with Josh's disappearance, meaning that he was still missing and they weren't any closer to knowing where he was. They didn't even know if he was still alive.

In the few weeks after he disappeared, the teen had been all over the news, the press hungry for a good kidnapping or suspected murder story. But after a while and no new evidence was brought forward and the case grinder to a halt, they grew bored, like vultures sulking away from a carcass stripped to the bone.

Josh was technically an adult, an adult from inner city London. People just didn't care enough to get that emotionally involved. He was probably involved in gang affairs, he probably overdosed on drugs, he probably got mixed up in some bad shit and had to run away. That was what people speculated, the people who never knew the boy.

His friends knew different of course. They knew Josh had been taken from them, against his will. They didn't know how or who or even fucking why, but they knew Josh wouldn't have left them.

Over the following year, they react and deal with the trauma of losing one of their own in very different ways.

JJ puts his focus into YouTube. School comes second now...well, more second than it was before. It feels good, putting energy into making videos where he can vent any pent up energy or rage, and people seem to find it funny when he smashes old computers. His subscriber count increases at an alarming rate and more excitingly, he starts to get paid for uploading. Maybe Josh was right, maybe there was a career in this. As far as finding his friend goes, JJ has given up hope; if they were going to find him they would have already. That's just how he sees it.

Vik puts his focus into school, determined to ace all his exams, just like Josh wanted him too. He knew he was lucky in that he was naturally book smart, and he wasn't going to let it go to waste. YouTube also became a big part of his life however, more as a distraction than anything else to start with, but slowly he begins making friends with a few others and his subscriber count slowly rises. He doesn't think much of it though. It's not going to come to anything. He wasn't like JJ, he wasn't entertaining enough to do it full time.

Not a day goes past when he doesn't have a moment when he just stops and remembers that night. His dad made him talk to a specialist afterwards, trying to help him cope with everything and it has helped; a bit anyway. He knows it's unlikely, been told in fact, that they would find Josh after such a long time, but he is still young and that hope is still there. 

Ethan dropped out of school about six months after his friend's disappearance. He just wasn't motivated enough any more. People there just annoyed him. Either they asked too many questions, questions he certainly didn't have answers to, or they avoided him like the plague. His mum was devastated when her son announced he'd had enough, but nothing she could say or do could change his mind. Josh was always the best at talking him out of stuff like this, but he wasn't there. He got a job as a kitchen porter, crappy hours and shit pay, but it's way better than the whispered comments and weird stares he had to put up with before. Maybe he'd even have a job he could be proud off when his friend returned to them. He hasn't given up yet, he still believes Josh is out there and they'll find him.

Tobi became even more withdrawn and quiet during the following year, often causing his parents and friends worry when he would go off grid for a day or more. He always returned though, he just needed time alone with his thoughts. Most of the others tried not to think back to "that day" if they could help it but Tobi replayed the scenes in his head practically every day. From when he had walked home from school with Josh for the last time to when the boy had walked out of Simon's door and out of their lives. There must have been something he could have done, something he had missed. Maybe if he could figure it out he would know what had happened to the boy. Or maybe that was simply wishful thinking but he needed to do it anyway otherwise he would go insane.

On the bright side he had been accepted into university. That would have made Josh immensely proud. He wished the boy was here to go through it with him. He'd originally had Simon as his uni buddy until the blond had a surprise change of heart. Hopefully Josh would be found soon enough so he could join Tobi at uni before he finished. More than anything though, Tobi knew Simon needed Josh back. No matter how much he tried to convince them all he was okay, they knew that was far from the truth.

Simon had finished school with alright results by the end of the year. To most people on the outside it appeared he was perhaps the least affected, as friendly and good natured as ever. But to the people who knew him, he was a shell of a boy they once knew. Still, he had taken over the role of main big brother since Josh had gone. He made sure the other boys were okay and gave them advice when he could. He never felt adequate enough though. He almost felt like a fraud. He believed he could never live up to his best friend.

He was supposed to be going to university after school, with the intent of becoming a police officer like his dad, but last minute rethinking had him changing his mind and, before his family and fiends knew it, he was jet setting off to Nigeria to become a volunteer and teach kids football. He didn't explain why he was going, didn't even try to. It was just one day he was there and the next he wasn't. To his friends it was almost like another one of them had been ripped away from them. 

Even from another continent however, Simon is still the driving force behind the search for Josh, every day checking the website he had set up to see if there was any news and looking through the police notes - which his dad may or may not have been allowed to give him - not giving up, not giving in. He knew they would find Josh. He knew his friend wasn't dead. He just knew it.

...

...

...

_The physical pain he could deal with. The punches, the burns, the breaking of bones. Sure in the moment it was agony, but even the most painful of injuries would eventually subside. He was getting better at it also, ignoring the pain, keeping quiet as his fingers were snapped or the end of a cigarette was pushed into his arm. He'd learnt not to fight back, it only made the punishments harsher._

_The hunger was slightly harder. The pain was a new one to him. Sure there'd been times when things were tough at home and maybe he'd skip dinner for a few days but he'd never experienced anything like this. He had no concept of time but he was sure he'd been left for at least a week with only water to keep him going. At least it kept his brain occupied, dreaming about food._

_The worst though...the times that occurred maybe every few weeks...they were what caused the nightmares, for him to wake up from his old mattress on the stone floor, sweating and screaming, the heavy chains biting into his wrists from where he'd been pulling in terror. He dreaded those days, the days where he was made to feel like an animal more than ever._

_He just didn't understand. Why was it taking so long to find him? Why wasn't he out of this hell hole yet? It felt like a year had passed but maybe it had only been months. Days had no meaning to him, neither did night or day. It was hard to tell if the sun was up when you were surrounded by four concrete walls._

_He wished everybody would hurry up and find him. He needed to be back with his boys and his mum. He needed to hear Vik's dumb puns, watch JJ act the fool, reminisce on old times with Ethan, have long conversations about music with Tobi. And Simon...he just needed to see that smile, the smile that always made him feel safe, just as much as it had done when they were five years old. He'd give anything to see them._

_Any day now, he'd tell himself. He needed to. If he didn't, he was pretty sure he'd go crazy._


	14. 2012

_Two years missing..._

Two years was a strange one. They say the average grieving process after a loved one has passed away is two years. But that was someone who's fate you knew of. That was a part of life that people could understand. Was it hard? Hell yes. But it was something everybody would experience at some point, it was inevitable.

Losing someone in an inexplicable manner however, in a way that didn't give you any closure; that was so much harder to deal with. The mystery was what killed them more than anything. They all seemed to be getting there however, albeit extremely slowly.

JJ and Vik tried to distract themselves as much as possible, and as it turned out, Youtube offered them a sort of lifeline. The content they put out were becoming more creative, they were making more friends in the community and, as a bonus, the money wasn't too bad. Having now wiped his hands of school also, JJ was set on never having a normal job and making his millions on the internet. A lot of people thought he was a bit of a dickhead, maybe he was he often thought, but he didn't really see any other choice, he wasn't good at much else.

Vik was still at school, still juggling YouTube and exams precariously, but always with an incredible spring in his step and positive outlook. If losing Josh had taught him anything, it was that even the best things could be short lived, and he was determined to make the most of every opportunity. Both he and JJ were the only ones who could speak about Josh in the past tense; who didn't mind talking about the good old days with one another. The others will still not as comfortable.

Ethan especially would get very riled up by the two. Telling them to shut their mouths if they ever spoke up about it in his presence. He'd changed a lot too. His skin had definitely thickened, his tongue had sharpened, his mind had become more pessimistic. Gone was the young boy who used to find entertainment in the smallest of things, replacing him was a young man who worked long shifts everyday. He had the benefit of still living at home, meaning he was able to save up a lot of his earnings. What he was saving for though, he didn't quite know.

On the other side of the city Tobi was enjoying university life. To his surprise, he found himself gradually growing up; he'd made a lot of good friends on his course and nights out were always a riot. He still wasn't quite independent yet, and frequently made trips home to his parents house where he'd always be fed the finest homemade food. Often he checked up on Josh's mum. She was...to be expected. She had been admitted to a psychiatric ward in the time that passed, having only been released a few months ago. She was on a steady course downhill however and every day Tobi worried if he was going to get the call that she had finally slipped over the edge. 

As far as his old friend went, he didn't mind occasionally talking about him, but only with JJ and Vik. Ethan would start sending death glares the minute Josh's name was brought up and he just felt plain bad talking about him around Simon. The blond boy was never rude or harsh about it, but he would never contribute his own memories and would quickly change the subject if the chance arose.

Talking about growing up, Simon had definitely matured a huge amount since his time volunteering in Nigeria. He'd worked with some amazing kids but had also seen just how small and insignificant his own life really was in the grand scheme of things. He would never forget the day one of the young lads who we worked with, a seven year old boy called Anthony, never turned up. It was well known that the boy's mother was seriously ill and Simon had been sent to check on him. Arriving at the tiny shack - if you could even call it that - he had found the little boy crying by his mother's bedside. She was dying. There was nothing to be done. Medicine was stupidly expensive in that part of the world.

Simon had sat there. Not saying a thing but never leaving the woman or her son's side. He was there with Anthony until his mum took her last dying breath. Strange, up until then he had never seen anyone die before, but there was something almost calming about it. He had stayed and offered what comfort he could to the child until the boy's older siblings arrived home from work, and then he left the family to grieve in peace. That moment had changed him, for the better he hoped, no matter how much it still haunted him. 

Josh was still out there. He had to be otherwise Simon wouldn't still be able to feel it in his heart. He knew he sounded crazy but he also knew the difference between seeing someone die in front of his eyes and being told that they were probably dead. JJ would always tell him it was just the uncertainty that was making him doubtful, that Simon was always a "it needs to be seen to be believed" type of guy. Maybe he was, maybe he was just going insane.

But maybe he wasn't. When Vik and JJ ever spoke about Josh in his presence he would tune himself out as much as possible. He didn't mind the memories, he just didn't like that they were talking about Josh in the past. For him, he thought they should be talking about the present.

No, he was not giving up. His friend was still out there and he was not going to stop looking until he had him back.

...

...

...

_His life was one of constant fear. Surrounded by darkness for the most part, body struggling desperately to recover from the latest abuse, heart racing overtime when so much as a slightly abnormal sound echoed down to his cold room, if you could call it a room, dread creeping into his heart at the thought of having to go through "it" again._

_The loneliness was what really got to him. The days he would sit isolated, curled up in a corner. Sometimes he would imagine he was having full conversations with the boys, even laughing at a few of their dumb jokes, until he would catch himself and stop in fear he was going crazy. He missed them like crazy. Missed his mum too. He worried about her immensely. Were people looking after her? He knew Tobi would, and Simon too, even if he did it in a less indirect way._

_He wondered what they were doing. He hoped they were happy and still friends with each other. He hoped that they hadn't thought he had just run off...no, Simon would never allow them to think that. The blond knew him too well._

_For most, any glimmer of hope by now would have been extinguished. But if his life had taught him anything so far, it was that he was tougher than he often thought. Dread and fear were part of his daily routine but the hope was still there. He didn't know what it was, but something was telling him that he was not a total lost cause yet._


	15. 2013

_3 years missing..._

In the future, when looking back on the time during Josh's disappearance, Simon would say that that year was the one where everything changed. With still no proper job or any plans for getting one, the young man was still living at home, earning his keep by doing all the chores around the house and generally helping his parents out in any way he could. They were understanding about the whole situation, even if his older brothers were off at university or being real adults with real jobs and lives.

His existence was kind of one in a bubble, he still interacted socially with others, if the situation called for it, but it never felt quite real or in the moment. It's like his whole life had been muted and blurred. His parents worried about him, he knew they did, but they needn't have. He was fine, or at least that's what he kept telling himself.

It was late in April when he received the phone call. Actually it was a phone call for his dad, in the middle of the night, but Simon had still been awake and had crept to his parents room so he could listen in. If his dad ever got a call that late, it was always something serious.

As it turned out it was more than serious, it was an urgent call to a scene, an old, long abandoned house out in the country - or just outside of London, that counted as the countryside to him - but it was not the location that was most concerning, rather the anonymous phone call that had brought it to the police's attention.

Apparently someone had called in, in the middle of the night, giving the police a tip off of the location of a teen who had gone missing three years ago, a teen going by the name of Josh Bradley.

Simon's heart had sped up so rapidly he felt as if it might burst out of his chest. Was this finally it? Was he finally going to have Josh back in his life? It seemed absolutely too good to be true but it was the first bit of news they'd had on the case in nearly three years, and Simon's father had to practically fend him off to stop him from coming with him. He'd be more hinderance than help and Simon knew that was most likely true, but that wasn't the point...if Josh was there then he needed to be there too.

However his dad absolutely refused and had set off after hurriedly getting dressed himself. Simon sat, not doing anything but wait for his dad to call him and give him an update. He did get the call, about an hour later...but it was not the one he wanted. Empty, the place had been empty. But it hadn't always been...

It was clear to the experts that the place had been frequented, often and recently, and that there was a certain "room" which showed signs of having been lived in. Whoever had been there had scarpered pretty quickly, but not carefully enough to rid the room of DNA. 

It didn't take long for the lab results to confirm that it was Josh's blood, not fresh but sunk into the cracks of the concrete. There was no way of telling if the blood was two months or two years old. But Josh had been there at some point. And he'd been hurt.

His father had returned that night, ashen faced and shaky hands. Apparently the house had not been a welcoming one. Hearing his dad describe the prison his friend had been kept locked up in was one of the most horrific things he'd ever heard in his life. His dad told him the cell was a hollow cube of concrete, one way in, no windows. No sound, no light, no furniture or cloth of any kind. There had been thick metal hoops with old, rusted chains attached to them, and an old bucket in the corner. That had been it except for a few scratch markings on the wall, human ones, made by someone clawing at the concrete.

Other than that there had been no solid evidence apart from the tyre tracks leading away, ones that matched the ones of the car seen trailing the teen on CCTV, but they had no leads on who owned the fucking car, so a fat lot of help that was.

The events of that night had a profound affect on Simon. It sent him into a kind of tailspin; he didn't know what to make of the facts. What he did know was that it meant that Josh had been taken but it also meant there was the slim possibility whoever had taken him still had him, alive, just like he'd always insisted. But it also hurt more anything...they had been so close but now they were just as faraway as they had been before.

Perhaps the greatest benefit of the finding was that press interest once again greatly rose due to the most recent progression. People were suddenly inquisitive again now that the mystery had been amped up and they had proven Josh hadn't simply ran off to make a new life for himself or been killed by one of the gangs. The website Simon had set up for people to contact them with any new information had a surge of activity, even if none of it was that useful, at least people were beginning to take notice again, including Vik and JJ. How could they not?

On the other hand someone else benefiting greatly from the new events was Josh's dad. Simon had not seen or heard from the man since a few weeks after Josh's disappearance, but now there he was, a few months after the finding of the cell, publishing a book. A fucking book. He was making money out of his own son's sorry fate. And for some reason, the public seemed to buy into it.

When Simon had first seen the man in his pristine suit putting on the act of a saddened father for the cameras at a press conference, he had got into a fight. It was fair to say the TV had lost. His parents weren't angry, they should have been, that TV cost a lot of money but honestly, they were just as angry as their son was with the man who had never done anything to deserve being a parent.

After that the man had fucked off to the US with his new trophy wife, along with all the earnings he had made from his little project. It was just as well otherwise JJ and Ethan might have searched him out and given him a piece of their mind. Simon had already lost one friend, he didn't need another two in jail.

It was December, a few days before Christmas, when Simon received another call, one actually for him this time. It came from the hospital. It was a kindly and sympathetic woman informing him that Josh's mum had passed away earlier that day, having overdosed on her medication. She had died on the way to the hospital, after being found in her room at the care home. She'd been hiding her pills, just waiting for the opportunity to take them all at once.

It was then that Simon really started to fall apart. His best friend from childhood was still missing, and despite everything that had happened that year nobody still had any clue as to where he was, and now a woman who had been such as big part of his childhood, a woman who had tried her best to raise her son well even when it was like the whole world was against her, was gone too, for definite.

And what was he doing? Sitting at home like a waste of space. All his friends were moving on, doing something with their lives even if Ethan liked to claim he was heading down a dead end. The younger boy was doing something, unlike himself.

Simon didn't know what to do, didn't have any particular interest in anything or any ambitions, and so when JJ called him up at the end of the year, asking him if he'd help out with filming one of his videos, he readily agreed. It wasn't like he had anything else to do.

...

...

...

_There were three moments that stuck out in his year. More than the pain and the torture and the hunger._

_The main one was the night he had been gagged and dragged unexpectedly and roughly from the room he had called home for God knows how many years and was practically carried up the cold stone steps outside to a waiting car. He had been shouted at for moving so slowly, the slight sound of fear for once in the other's voice, but it wasn't his fault, he'd barely had any use of his limbs for so long that they were out of practice._

_But that wasn't all...perhaps he was moving deliberately slowly...because that was the first time he had seen the outside in so long, had felt the fresh air against his cheeks and smelt something other than damp, even if it was pitch black._

_It hadn't lasted long though, as he was mercilessly chucked into the boot of a dark car. As he lay in the darkness he wondered if that had been how he originally arrived to the location in the first place._

_After a long drive the car had finally juddered to a halt and the boot was opened. He stared anxiously up at his tormentor, scared this was some new kind of game they were supposed to play, but instead a bag of some sort was flung over his head and he was being dragged away again, down some more stairs once again...why was it always down? At least give him a room with a view._

_He was shoved into his new home and the bag was removed from his head, revealing a room pretty much the same as the last one, maybe a bit smaller. He waited patiently for the gag to be removed but it never was, the door being slammed, leaving him in darkness as he listened to the footsteps thudding away._

_And so he stayed, now not only rendered prisoner, but now also speechless. He soon realised why though. He was in their home, he could often hear talking upstairs or the TV or the phone, sometimes the ringing of the doorbell. Talking...that meant someone else was here. Did they not know he was down here? Could they not help him? Well whoever they were, they never did._

_The next stand out moment occurred a good while later, maybe a few months, and it was largely unexplained. All he knew was that he'd been pacing up and down, going as far as his chains allowed him, when suddenly a huge surge of anger swelled within him, for no reason at all, and all of a sudden he was punching the wall multiple times, over and over again in uncontrollable rage._

_The next time the door had opened the sight greeting the other had been a young man with blood red hands, nearly every bone in his left hand broken or fractured. That had been bad of him, he wasn't supposed to act up like that and he knew it. There was no food for him for a few days as punishment._

_The final moment came near the end of the year. He knew it was the end because he'd sometimes hear Christmas music echoing down from upstairs. It was night, or maybe it was day...he'd been sleeping anyway when suddenly he'd been awoken, sweat pouring down his face, heart beating heavily in his chest, and a strangled cry in his throat._

_At that point there was only one thought on his mind._

_He wanted his mum._


	16. 2014

_4 years missing..._

He didn't quite know how it had happened; when the transition between him being a layabout son at home to being a son who still lived at home but made money from playing video games. He'd never imagined joining onto that little passion project and when he had he never imagined Ethan would be following in his footsteps.

It was strange. To them they were just playing video games and having a laugh with each other, but for some reason other people wanted to watch them be idiots, people from all over the world. They'd even invited Harry, the kid Josh had been fond of, to join them. He was alright, a bit of an idiot but a nice enough kid.

GTA was where it was at. That was the game they played the most and was what got them the most views, except for JJ who seemed to get the most views for his real life videos. He was almost considered a celebrity in the internet world. Watching someone smash up a laptop wasn't really Simon's thing be each to their own he supposed.

Their name came from GTA though. The name people were starting to know their little group as. The six of them including Harry. The Sidemen.

It was a term Josh and Tobi used to say a lot during their school days and it just sort of fitted. People seemed to like it anyway, or fans. They had fans now...Mad ting.

Despite their unexpected growing success and the fact that he no longer felt quite as guilty for crashing at his parents place now he could pay them back with his YouTube money, life did not really seem any brighter for Simon. In fact it had never been bleaker. The guilt ate at him everyday, whenever he started to have the slightest bit of fun it would be there reminding him that his best friend was not there to share it with him.

He found a way to cope, if you could call it coping. He could barely remember how it started, or when, sometime in the middle of the year though. He had awoken from a particular horrible nightmare, one where a fake Josh was tormenting him for not being good enough, for being so pathetic. Running to the bathroom to splash water on his face, it was then that Simon had spied his razor and an idea had formulated in his sleep-deprived brain.

His hands working automatically, he had been tearing the razor apart and pulling out the silver blade, it's edges glinting temptingly under the white light. When he'd made the first cut it had hurt like hell, the amount of blood that ran down his arm almost scaring him into stopping. Almost.

The next few cuts weren't as bad, and afterwards he'd felt better, almost pleased with himself. He'd found a way to release his guilt and anger onto himself, no one else was getting hurt here. Or at least that's what he told himself.

He'd been stupid really, thinking that the other boys wouldn't notice the change. The weight he had lost, and the paling colour of his already pale skin. The way he took to wearing long sleeved shirts or hoodies all the time.

It had been a house party at JJ's new pad when he'd finally been caught, some four months after he'd started. Someone he didn't know had started talking loudly about Josh, not in a mean way but not in a way that was sensitive to those who knew the boy best, and Simon just had to get away before he lashed out, the alcohol not helping matters. 

Dashing to the bathroom he didn't bother to think what impression he had just made, removing the blade from his pocket and attacking his arms, the most ferociously he had done in a while. He didn't know how many cuts he'd made, or how long he'd been crouched on the bathroom floor crying, when there was an urgent knock on the door.

"Simon?" It was Ethan. He sounded worried. Why did he sound so worried? Simon couldn't understand why anyone would be so worried about him. Then the door had been busted open and the figure of the younger boy was towering above him. "Simon!"

The rest of the night was a blur. The next thing he properly remembered was waking up in a hospital bed, his arms wrapped heavily in bandages, a sleeping figure in the chair next to him. Ethan had been mad when he had finally woken up, but it wasn't a proper mad, it was more of an upset mad, and it was only then that Simon realised the affect his actions must have had on the others. They looked up to him for some reason. and he'd promised himself he would look out for them but now here he was lying in a hospital like a coward.

He'd apologised then and there, tears flowing down his cheeks, a mirror image of Ethan's own, promising that he never meant to scare any of them. Ethan had called him a dickhead and a few other choice words but had hugged him all the same. The warmth the boy's arms leant him had felt good.

He didn't know quite what had initiated his next action but at that moment a feeling that was fairly foreign to the blond had surged up inside him, the stress and upset of the night mixing together into and unpredictable emotion, and all of a sudden he was leaning forward, pressing his lips against the younger boy's. 

Ethan must have been in a state of shock, as he was too frozen to react at first, but after a second or so he was pushing back, staring at Simon in absolute surprise.

After a moment to return to the reality of what he had just done, Simon had been left red in the face, apologising profusely once again, scared he'd just lost one of his closest friends over a stupid thing like that.

"No, it's alright Si, it's fine," Ethan had assured him after a while, once he had settled his own thoughts from shocked into understanding. "Don't worry about it," he had said with a comforting hand on the blond's shoulder.

Simon was still scared though. He didn't understand why he had done what he'd done. He'd never kissed a guy before, ever, had never even thought about it, not really....there'd been a few times he supposed. What did that mean though? Was he...gay? Bi?

"I think we always had an idea," Ethan admitted a moment later with a small chuckle.

Simon had just looked at him in surprise. "I don't think I really did until just now," he had said.

Ethan had shrugged and laughed again. "Well I'm sure you've got time to figure it out."

Simon had smiled back, the first one in a long time. He supposed he did.

After being discharged from the hospital he still went to visit a psychiatrist, someone he could talk to, as had been his promise to the boys and his distraught parents. It did help, the lady he spoke to did help him work through a lot of his issues and help him begin to understand the wave of complicated emotions that had been suffocating him that year. Not just with Josh but now with his newly found sexual orientation.

The boys were with him the whole way, especially Ethan who apparently found the memory of Simon kissing him absolutely hilarious.

Christmas that year was the best one since that fateful night. The first time he'd felt so carefree in a long while. But the other boy was always in the back of his mind, even at his happiest, a silent shadow that followed him everywhere.

And while his family were getting drunk on the night of Christmas Day, Simon had taken himself away, sitting himself on the window seat and staring out into the starry sky, wondering what secrets it held.

He raised his own glass to the lights, one message on his lips.

"Merry Christmas Josh."

...

...

...

_Life could be worse._

_It was warmer at least._

_His bones often ached in the previous home when it got cold, the ones that had been broken and never quite healed properly. Here though, it never got as cold, the heating pipes sending warmth down even on the coldest of days. It was a lot drier too and he got to listen to music when they had the radio on._

_He hadn't spoken in months. Not that he had much before, maybe a few swear words now and then when he was in pain or the screams he'd make when "it" was happening. But with his mouth gagged on a permanent basis except when he was thrown his food, there was no allowance for any other words._

_But then one day something unexpected had happened. The other had crouched down in front of him, for once with an expression that was completely calm and neutral. He'd been told that if he was good he could have the tight tongue binding gag removed and then it had been removed along with the rolled up ball of cloth that was kept in his mouth._

_He could have screamed then, could have tried shouting for help but he didn't. He was good. He didn't make a sound. Sound was bad. Sound would get him in trouble. Trouble meant getting hurt. And didn't want to be hurt anymore than he already was._

_And then a few weeks ago something even more unexpected had occurred. The other had removed the chains that bound his feet and the ties that kept his hands from moving too far apart. Again he had been silent. He knew what was expected him. When the other left through the door he could have easily followed. But he didn't. Cause that was bad. Bad got him hurt._

_Christmas that year was the best one since that fateful night. The warmest and least movement restrictive one anyway, as he curled up in his corner and listened to the music floating down the stairs._

_He knew it was bad to talk. But no one was here. And he felt the strong urge to say one thing, as hoarse as it was from his unused vocal chords._

_"Merry Christmas Simon."_


	17. 2015

_5 years missing..._

That year was insane. His subscriber count rocketed. They went to America. They were invited to gaming conventions. He, Vik and JJ moved in together. He bought a fucking sick car. Little Vik of all people became the first of them to find a long term girlfriend. He turned twenty three, apparently that meant he was more mature. He began to enjoy life a little more...

The pain never left him though. As well as the feeling that Josh was still out there, he could still feel the connection, that part of him that had bonded him so strongly to the other boy all those years ago was still there; sunk into the shadows of his subconscious, but still present. Still alive.

...

...

...

_Pain. Fear. Hunger. Darkness._

_That was all he ever felt now._

_Pain. Broken bones, sliced skin, burns that never properly healed._

_Fear. He was going to break soon. One more night of...of "that" and he would be done. That's what he told himself every night...and yet somehow he was still here._

_Hunger. He didn't taste food anymore. It was purely a means of surviving. He tried to give up, to give in, he didn't want to survive anymore, not here. But threats and instinct always eventually won over._

_Darkness. His world had shrunk down into pure darkness. Not only in his surroundings but in his mind._

_He tried to be good. He always tried to be good but it was never enough to end it all. There was no one out there. No one was coming for him, whoever he was._

_Who was he again...who was he?_


	18. 2016

"Annnd peace!" Simon signed off his video in typical fashion, giving the camera a salute and stopping his recording.

The smile that he had been wearing throughout the majority of his video slowly faded away, just as it always did; the happiness he felt when making a video never quite matched by reality. It did take a while to fade however, as it had been doing more recently.

He was happier. Overall he was just a happier person, and he no longer needed to fake it for the sake of views and not simply being known as the depressed sideman. He preferred simply being known as the tall, blond one, or better still the best at football one.

Hearing screams echoing down the corridor, Simon laughed to himself. He could only imagine what sort of video JJ was recording at that moment. It was insane, how many subscribers his weird school buddy had now, how all of them had really, but none of them were as big as JJ. Ethan always jokingly said it was because people preferred to watch stupid people to make them feel better about themselves. JJ would just call him a rude word that could not be repeated in public.

Thinking of Ethan, the younger boy was supposed to be coming round later on for a collab video with the three house sidemen, something which involved a card game and a fucking load of water.

Should be fun.

Starting the process of getting his footage ready for editing, Simon felt and heard the vibrations of his phone sat on his desk. The screen lit up to reveal the caller: "Dad". That was strange, there were usually set times when he and his dad would call one another and eight o'clock on a Thursday evening was not one of those times.

Picking up the phone with a cheery "Hey Dad," Simon was met with heavy breathing, as if his old man had just got back from the gym.

"Simon." The moment he heard his dad's voice he knew something was up. The man's voice was so serious and so low that it could only mean he had big news.

"Dad?" the young man questioned when there was silence from the other end, his voice quivering as he began to dread the response.

Even after his query there was still more silence, a few stuttered noises before his father finally managed to blurt out his news.

"He's been found Simon," he said simply, voice all shaky, partly from excitement, partly from fear but mostly from downright astonishment. "They've found Josh." 

...

...

...

_Company. Someone else was with him. Or something. A rat?_

_It scuttled past the floor near him and he tried to catch a glimpse, but it was too dark._

_Probably just a rat. He got a lot down here with him. It was quite nice. Having something else with him._

_Then, suddenly...shouts from upstairs. Loud crashes, people crying out. Furniture and doors being broken._

_The young man scrambles back to the furthest corner from the door, crouched down low._

_Intruders_.

_There were people coming into his home._

_He bared his teeth like a frightened animal at the door, ready to pounce if they got near._

_More shouts and then the door swung open, the light temporarily blinding him._

_"Holy shit," he hears someone murmur._

_The young man narrows his eyes at him once he can see again. He doesn't trust the newcomer._

_Shaking himself out of his shock the stranger suddenly starts shouting again. "Guys get down here! Now!"_

_He doesn't like the sound of that. He didn't feel comfortable with this one stranger, let alone multiple ones._

_Pushing himself further against the cold, concrete wall, he glares at the man who, noticing his fear, has crouched down, keeping his distance._

_Then he hears a name he hasn't heard in what feels like a life time._

_"Josh," the man whispers. "It is Josh, isn't it?"_

_Yes, it was. That name...that was...that was him._


	19. The Person Responsible

_The man who first found him tried to keep him calm, tried to tell him that he was safe now and no one was going to hurt him. But even if this man did call him by his name, his words were still hard to believe._

_He fought back at first, against the people trying to take him from his home. He shouldn't be leaving, wasn't allowed to. Leaving that room would get him in trouble and trouble meant he would get hurt. However he was not strong enough to fend off everybody, and when the paramedics arrived he found himself outnumbered. Even without the sedative they gave him, he probably would have passed out anyway, from sheer exhaustion from the stress of it all._

_He was scared. He was confused. He didn't know if these new people were here to help him or just hurt him some more. His last thought before the darkness overcame him: "What's going to happen to me now?"_

_..._

Mr Anderson. Josh's old geography teacher. Finally they had the man who had taken the boy over six years ago now. The man had actually been under suspicion for a while, due to the fact that he and the boy had been spending a lot of time together during school lunch breaks, but there had never been enough evidence and eventually the trail had gone cold.

Simon had completely forgotten about the man, who had apparently given up teaching a year after Josh's disappearance and become a driving instructor, allowing him to choose his own work hours. The man had lived alone with his younger brother his whole life and it had been his younger brother who the police had to thank for finally giving in the location of Josh.

It was most likely the same man who had left the anonymous tip off to Josh's previous location three years ago, who had given into guilt of what he knew was going on in the basement of the shared house and handed his brother in.

Simon's dad told him there had been an incident during the police raid, one which meant that the only other key witness, Mr Anderson's younger brother, had ended up leaving in a body bag. Unfortunately Mr Anderson himself had remained mostly unharmed, and was under police custody.

That was all shocking and revealing but at the moment Simon only cared about one thing.

"Where is he?" That was the first question that left Simon's lips. He needed to know that this wasn't another false hope, that Josh was actually in safe hands this time, for real.

"Chelsea and Westminster hospital..." his dad told him, calming that one fear. I can't believe it, Simon thought in wonder, running a hand over his face and leaning over, resting his elbows on his knees.  _After all this time, he's finally back. I knew he was still out there, I knew it!_

His moment of pure joy and relief was cut short with his dad's next sentence. "Simon, he's been very badly hurt."

At that moment the young man's heart leapt to his throat, the muscles tightening as he struggled to breathe. He'd been expecting this, but hearing his dad actually say it made it all too real. "How much?" he managed to choke out.

"Maybe it's best–"

"No Dad," Simon interrupted. "Tell me how."

"Multiple bruises, burns, lacerations and his left hand is very messed up," his dad said all at once, as if saying it quickly would make it any easier. "Apparently he broke a lot of bones there that haven't healed properly." Simon's own free hand clenched painfully tight as he thought about the suffering his friend had faced on his own for so many years. "Not to mention the dehydration and malnutrition," his dad added after it all.

"Shit," Simon said. "Fucking shit."

There was a sigh down the line and then his dad's voice again, even quieter and shakier than before. "Plus Simon...they don't know for sure until they've done a proper examination, but from the evidence at the house, and from what we now know about Mr Anderson, he's likely been...s-sexually abused," he informed him. "Most likely that was the motivation behind the kidnapping in the first place."

 _No_. Just...that wasn't a thing. That wasn't something that was meant to happen to Josh. Or to anyone.  _How can a person do that to another human being?_  For the first time in a while, Simon felt the tingling sensation in his fingers, and the old scars that were still visible on his arms seemed to twinge in pain.  _No_ , he mentally slapped himself. _You've gotta stay with it. You can't go losing it now._

"When can I see him?" he asked, because that was the next most important question.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea," his dad tried to dissuade him, only trying to protect his son, Simon knew that, but despite what his dad might think, he wasn't a little boy anymore. And now more than ever he needed to step up and show that he could be a man.

"Listen, he's got no one," Simon exasperated, a sudden stabbing pain in his heart as he realised someone was going to have to break it to Josh that his mum had committed suicide whilst he'd been imprisoned. "There's no family waiting for him," he whispered, blinking away the pools in his eyes. "He needs me."

There was another pause as Simon's dad clearly considered everything carefully. Then he spoke, pride filling every word. "I'll meet you there son. He's still under police protection so I'll be able to get you through." He hesitated, sensitively adding: "perhaps...perhaps bring one of the lads with you Simon. It might make it easier."

"Nothing's going to make this easier dad," Simon said quietly, before sighing. "But I'll give Tobi a call, I don't want to worry the younger lads until I've seen him and JJ..."

"Yeah, I think the doctors want to try and prevent him being shouted awake." It was a half hearted attempt to try and lighten the mood but Simon appreciated it all the same. "Okay...give me a ring when you're near kiddo," his dad told him as Simon stood to his feet, already moving around the room stuffing whatever he might need into a backpack.

"I will. Bye Dad."

Hurrying around, grabbing his car keys and charging down the stairs without a word to the other lads, Simon jumped into his car, fully prepared to face three points on his licence for breaking a speeding law. As the in-car phone dialled Tobi's number, the young man spoke in hushed tones to himself, trying to calm his own nerves more than anything.

"It's alright Josh," he said with determination. "I'm on my way."


	20. The Wait

_After he'd woken up from the drug induced slumber, it had been non-stop action._

_He'd bitten one of the doctors. He hadn't meant to but when the man had started poking at him he'd lashed out, and without him properly realising it, his jaw had clamped down on the man's hand, nothing too bad but deep enough to draw blood._

_He'd had a different doctor after that. One that explained to him very calmly and slowly about what he wanted to do. He'd examined him carefully, had him sent off so they could see which bones were broken. To tell the truth he was kind of interested in that one. He'd lost count himself after a while._

_Their main concern however seemed to be the malnutrition and dehydration. There had been a bit of a commotion after they'd checked his weight. Underweight. By a lot. No shit. He might not have looked in a mirror for six years but it didn't take a genius to know you weren't supposed to be able to count every rib clearly._

_It was all very confusing. Everybody was telling him he was safe now and that they'd take care of him, but he didn't feel safe. It was all so strange and frightening as stuff was stuck in his veins and limbs were wrapped an bandaged._

_And everything was so white and clean and bright and so, so different to what he'd grown to accept as normal for the past six years. And there were so many people and noises and smells and in the end he had panicked. It wasn't right, he wasn't supposed to be here. He was going to get in trouble. Trouble meant he would get hurt and he would do anything not to be hurt even more._

_Apparently doctors and nurses didn't approve of their patients ripping out their IV's and screaming ineligibly at them. Soon after anyway, someone had returned to send him back into the familiar drug filled darkness._

_..._

Simon sat leaning his head back against the wall, staring up at the white ceiling, following the chips and cracks in the paint with his blue eyes. He'd been sitting there for half an hour, on his own after his dad had gone to speak to the necessary people to get him in to see his newly found friend. He had no idea what was taking so long, but he couldn't exactly go and find out himself. He'd only get lost in the massive labyrinth of hospital wards.

And so he sat on the line of chairs set out for other people waiting around like he was, absentmindedly scuffing his feet on the shiny floor, while his actual mind was all over the place, trying to work out beforehand how he was supposed to react when he came face to face with a boy...or a man now, who he had not seen in such a long time.

A buzzing in his jean pocket alerted him to the text from the only other one of their group who was currently in the know. Simon quickly replied to the message with a few taps and then a couple of minutes later he was waving the other boy other to his location. "Tobi, over here!"

The younger boy walked as quickly as he could without getting in anyone's way in the busy corridor and Simon stood up to greet him.

Holding his arms open, he stumbled back slightly as Tobi hugged him with his full force. "Bro, is it true?" he asked as Simon let him go. "They've really found Josh?" His dark brown eyes were wide with apprehension, just how Simon imagined his had been when he'd been on the phone to his dad. He too had found it hard to accept it as truth to start with, not when they'd been let down so many times in the past.

"Yeah...yeah I know fucking hell right, who would've thought?" Simon shakily said, sitting down with Tobi next to him.

"You always did," Tobi pointed out, looking at Simon with a sort of admiration perhaps mixed in with guilt. Guilt that he had given up on their friend like the others had. He had no reason to feel guilty, Simon thought. He knew he had been the crazy one to believe Josh would be found alive after so long, but there was a connection they had, one that he couldn't ever explain with mere words, that had given him the reason to hope.

Beside him he heard Tobi sigh loudly and turned to see the man staring into his lap. "Mr Anderson," he whispered in disbelief. "I don't get it. Josh knew he was a creep the moment he saw him, convinced me he was too, and yet before he disappeared they seemed, I dunno, he seemed pretty cool with him."

Simon was silent. He'd never met the teacher and now he never would. Perhaps with the bastard dead they would never know the specific motive behind the kidnap, but his memories of Josh the week before he had disappeared, the sense that something was not right with him, not just to do with his parents but something else, something new; perhaps there would be answers after all.

But not right now. Fuck the answers, all they needed right now was to see him with their own eyes. It appeared Tobi's mind followed a similar thought process. "Have you seen him yet?" he asked. Simon could tell he was hoping the blond would be able to give him a heads up before they went in.

"No...my dad wanted us to be...to be briefed before we go to see him. That's where he's gone now, to find someone who can explain."

"Briefed?" Tobi questioned, eyes widening in slight alarm. "What the fuck does that mean?" He gave him a nudge when the older boy was silent. "Si?"

"He's hurt Tobi," was all Simon could choke out at first.

Tobi shook his head a little in confusion. "I know," he said.

"No. Not in the way you're thinking. Well, yes in the way you're thinking but also..." Simon took a few deep breaths, understanding now how hard it must have been for his dad to be the bearer of bad news on the phone earlier. "My dad says that they think he's been sexually abused," he whispered, speaking the words that hurt just as much to say as it did to hear.

All of a sudden the busy ward seemed eerily quiet, like he and Tobi were the only two sitting there. Simon couldn't bring himself to look at the other man, knowing he would break down himself if he so much as caught a glimpse of the anguish he knew was present on the other's face. "I heard they tried to give him an examination earlier to make sure, but they had so much trouble with just keeping him calm while checking out his minor injuries that they're going to wait a bit until he's not as agitated before they do anything else. They've got him sleeping now apparently."

"No...No it's...he can't–" Only when Tobi started to cry himself was Simon able to look at him. He could do this. He could be the strong one and look after the others. He had to be.

"Hey, it's alright," he comforted, pulling the smaller boy into his arms again.

"No, it's not," Tobi mumbled into Simon's shirt, his body quivering as he tried to calm himself. Simon stayed where he was, not letting go, his own face set firmly, determined to remain in control. Control was important for him. They'd all seen what happened when Simon lost control, and the others didn't need two friends in hospital right now.

"You okay?" The question caught Simon off guard as he looked down to meet Tobi's face. The younger boy was looking up at him in concern and Simon forced himself to look as neutral as possible.

"I'm still not quite all here," he admitted, "but physically I'm fine, you don't have to worry about me Tobi."

He knew he could never take away the worry the younger boy's felt for him, worry that he would slip and start self-harming again, but he could do his best to assure them that he truly was okay.

A quiet cough to the side grabbed both of their attentions. "Are you the two young men here to see Josh Bradley?" A slightly overweight middle aged man with short grey hair was watching them. Simon recognised him as a detective just by looking at him, familiar with the small signs to look for from his father.

"We are," Simon said standing up and shaking the hand the man offered.

"Tom, I work with your dad," the man introduced himself. "We have met before but you barely reached my knees back then."

Simon gave a small smile. "I remember."

"Course you do," the man chuckled lightly. "You always were a bright boy I recall."

"This is Tobi," Simon stepped to the side to allow the other two to also shake.

"Tobi," Tom greeted, before looking at both of them sympathetically. "You're dad had to take a call so sent me to get you. I can't imagine what you two boys must be going through, having a friend you believed long dead suddenly being found."

"You're wrong. I never thought he was dead."

The man gave Simon a long look, shrugging at the end of it. "Well all the same, it's certainly a surprise."

"Can we see him now?" Tobi asked, eyes pleading.

The man smiled gently at them again. "That's what I came to talk to you about," he began. "He's still medically sedated for his own good so you won't need to worry about what to say to him yet," he paused, face falling as he took in the expressions on the young men. "But boys, you have to understand, the boy you remember and the boy you're going to see...well, you might find it extremely upsetting. Physically he's going to look a lot different to the Josh you last saw." He put a hand on both of their shoulders, squeezing them gently. "I just wanted to let you know that you're under no obligation to see him now, he's not going to know you're there, it's most likely going to just cause you extra stress–"

"I appreciate you trying to look out for us, but we need to see him," Simon interrupted him as politely as possible. "It's been six years, and I'm not gonna wait any longer." He hadn't raised his voice or been threatening in his tone at all, but one look at the young blond man and Tom knew there was no arguing with this one.

"Please," Tobi spoke up quietly, "just...just take us to him."

The detective looked between the two again, before nodding. "Alright," he agreed, beckoning for Tobi and Simon to walk with him. "Follow me." His heart was heavy as the two trailed behind him. With other twenty years experience of the force, he for one knew this wasn't going to go smoothly.


	21. Reunited

_This time the drugs don't send him into complete darkness. This time his thoughts are still there, visible in some muddled and interweaving dreams._

_In one of the dreams he is five years old again. He's at the park, the one he always went to. His parents were arguing again. He used to stick around and try and defend his mum but that always just made his dad angrier, and then his mum would just get even more hurt, as well as him. He'd learnt it was best if he just wasn't in the house at all._

_Getting around was no problem, even for a child so small. He'd mastered the tube at a young age. Knew how to slip through the larger gates so he didn't have to pay for a ticket. Knew his way around most of central London. Knew how to blend into the crowds so people wouldn't pick him out as a five year old kid on his own._

_It's sunny in his dream, there's a lot of kids around. Smiling, shouting, laughing, playing; just being normal kids. He's unsure what exact day it is, but he knows he's five judging by his height and the clothes he's wearing. Although he is seeing the world through the eyes of the five year old version of himself, he has no control over his movement or actions. So when his young body decides to make it's way over to the roundabout, he has no choice but to observe._

_His world lurches as five year old him hops on mid spin, and feels the dizzy sensation as he leans back and lets the wind blow in his face. At the time it might have been fun, but there is sense of dread ever present in him at the moment, although why it is there, he can't quite remember. Afterwards he makes his way to the climbing frame but there are a few older boys causing a bit of mayhem and he decided to steer clear of them, he'd had enough fighting that day. Instead he heads over to the fireman's pole and starts jumping up at it, trying to scale it. Why not._

_A voice behind him catches him off guard, a voice he knows._

_"That's not how you're supposed to do it."_

_He turns and is shocked to come face to face with five year old Simon, although then again there's no reason he should be, they met nearly every weekend at this age. He just hadn't been expecting to meet the boy for the first time...again._

_The slightly younger boy is watching him curiously. Blond hair and big blue eyes, the type of kid other adults would fawn over if they passed him on the street and whisper to their friends about how adorable he was. He's dressed in cool clothes, new ones and Josh feels a slimmer of embarrassment for his hole ridden attire, although he's not sure if that's from him now or the him back then._

_"Says who?" Little him answers, a small smirk playing on his lips. Even though he had no idea who this boy is, he was unable to stop himself from smiling._

_Little Simon looks confused by his answer. "Everybody does it the other way," he replies, his face falling in the way Josh always remembered it doing when he didn't understand things at that age. As an adult Josh thought he looked pretty cute. Maybe as a child he did too._

_He feels his small shoulders shrug and his mouth quirk into a smile again. "Maybe I'm not everybody." Josh would have laughed out loud if he could have. He always was told he was a smart-mouthed kid. Perhaps that's why he always angered his dad._

_He watches as the little blond boy looks around, and follows his gaze. He spots Simon's parents standing nearby, chatting together while glancing up every few moments to check on their children. They looked happy, just like Josh always remembered them; a far cry from his own mother and father._

_"Where are your parents?" Simon asks._

_He feels sad all of a sudden, five year old him was upset. His dad was most likely at the pub by now and his mum was probably trying to clean up the mess he'd made of their flat...or her face. He didn't get it. Why wasn't he allowed to have happy parents? "I don't know," he replies, dropping his gaze. It was easier to say than the truth._

_"But...where are they?" Simon asks again and he feels the same discomfort he always felt as a kid whenever people started asking questions._

_"I don't know." His young body sighs and Josh sensed that this version of himself was struggling with emotions. He remembered his thoughts at the time, as clear as day. On one hand he had wanted to just run away and disappear. He didn't have friends, he wasn't the type of boy who kept friends. But on the other hand there was something different about this boy, something special. The moment he'd seen him, he'd felt a weird sensation that he couldn't understand; but he knew that he hadn't felt it before. And he didn't want to let it go. "Wanna play tag?" he asks quickly, before he can scare himself out of it, ready to be rejected but hopeful all the same._

_Fortunately Simon agrees just like Josh knew he would, but the immense feeling of relief and joy he feels reminds him that moments like this were rare for him up until this point. It was meeting Simon that started off the chain of events that brightened up his life._

_The following moments pass like a blur, or it could be that time in his dream was being sped up. Young him finding out Simon's name, them playing tag, them charging around the park like little maniacs and forming the start of a bond that would last them into adulthood. It was the first time he'd ever felt so carefree, like nothing was wrong in the world. At one point Simon had him pinned up against a tree, both of them laughing hysterically between heavy intakes of air, their faces inches from one another, blue and hazel eyes staring in wonder and awe at their new friend._

_He'd never been happier..._

_All of a sudden his dreams were interrupted by a sense that he was not alone, and that there was someone close by. Looking around in his dream, he was left confused. Everything was normal. But still he couldn't shake the feeling that something had changed. Wait a minute...was...was someone talking to him?_

_..._

"You can still change your minds lads," Tom said, giving Tobi and Simon one last chance to bail before going in to see Josh. They were stood outside his room now, a police officer on permanent guard outside; a presence to keep anyone who didn't know the boy from sneaking around and also, to make sure Josh didn't decide to go walkabout in his agitated state.

Simon took a deep breath, examining the plain wooden door in front of him, the one that would take him to his best friend. No way was he turning back now because he was a little anxious. "We're good," he assured the detective, giving Tobi a questioning glance. "Aren't we?"

"Yeah," the younger boy nodded, eyes also glued to the door, nervousness clear in his expression.

Tom nodded at them, a glint of admiration in his eyes. "Okay, just in here," he turned to the door, giving a nod to the officer on guard and pushed it open, allowing the two young men to follow him in behind.

Stepping inside the medium sized room, their gazes were immediately fixed on one location, both of their heart rates rapidly increasing, and their eyes widening as far as was possible.

Simon felt a lump appear in his throat as he struggled to take any further steps forward. "Oh my God," Tobi whispered beside him, just as much in shock as he was.

Both were rendered frozen, unable to respond to what they were seeing. For what they were seeing was far worse than they could ever have imagined. Amidst the steady beeping of the hospital machinery, the figure on the bed was a shadow of their long lost friend. Nearly every part of skin was bandaged or in a cast, and where it wasn't, dark purple and yellowish bruises, along with faint scratches and old scars could be seen, sticking out against the thin, pale skin.

There were a number of wires sticking out of his hand's leading into bags hooked up into IV stands, and an oxygen mask was placed over his mouth, partially obscuring his face. His face...Simon blinked away the tears forming in his glazed blue eyes as he took in his best friend's face. Josh's hair had grown longer, cut in a rough and jagged manner, and his beard had grown out somewhat, but that wasn't what angered or upset the blond; it was the way his cheeks had sunken, an obvious sign of malnutrition. It wasn't possible to study his whole body, it was too covered up at the moment, but if his head was anything to go by, and the way he seemed to be swamped in the single bed, his friend had been practically starved all those years.

The joy he had at seeing him was quickly diminished at properly  _seeing him_. Tobi apparently had noticed the same thing, regaining use of his feet to hesitantly walk forward and read the patient information notes clipped to the end of the bed. "Only just over seven stone," he read out after studying the scribblings. "Shit."

Yeah shit, the average weight for a guy Josh's height was between nine and thirteen stone. Simon hadn't realised he'd been clenching his fists until the dull pain began to throb in his palms, and he relaxed his hands, leaving small nail indents in his skin.

"Fuck, what did he do to you man?" Tobi suddenly burst out, not caring that tears were running down his own cheeks as he paced the room. "I'll fucking kill him," he threatened, pausing as he thought about his words. "Well if he weren't dead already," he corrected himself.

Simon just continued to stare, his own opinion on what he'd like to do to that man were far worse then killing him.

Josh was silent throughout their inspection, as they were told he would be. Perhaps it was a good thing, with they way they were both reacting, it would hardly have been calming for a man who'd been held captive for six years to watch his two old friends freak out. Simon's heart was still beating twice as fast and it took a gentle hand on his shoulder to bring him back to reality.

"Simon? You okay son?" Tom asked, looking at him in concern. "Hey, you need to go outside?"

The blond shook his head, working out to try and calm himself, remembering the techniques the psychiatrist had taught him. _Just keep breathing_. "No...no I'm alright." He took a few more tentative steps towards his friend, unable to stop himself from studying every scar and small injury that was visible, focusing particularly on his heavily wrapped left hand. "He looks..."

"Different yeah?" Tobi continued when he trailed off. Simon nodded, although that's not exactly what he'd been thinking.  _Scared_. That's what he was going to say. It was eerie, people who were sedated shouldn't really have any expression, and yet it was as if Simon could sense the fear located behind the pale eyelids. Different was accurate too though, as he listened to Tobi ramble. "It's weird, the last memory I have of him is as an eighteen year old kid, and now he's a twenty four year old man. Like, I guess we look different to back then, but it's like, we've got to see each other grow up gradually so you don't notice it...but now it's like," he snapped his fingers, "six years...all at once."

"He's gonna want his hair cutting." Simon knew it was a pathetic response, but for the moment he seemed to have lost control of his tongue.

A few more minutes of them staring in the white hospital room, with only the machines adding any audible input, and Tobi needed to take a break. "I'm just gonna...uh, got to the toilet," he stuttered, edging back towards the door, "you staying?"

Simon nodded, still silent, and Tobi quiet took his leave, followed slowly by the detective, the door clicking fairly shut behind them. And then it was just the two of them. The duo, reunited again...

 _I always believed we'd find you...I guess I never thought about what would happen after._  Had he really been so naive to think everything would be perfect in the aftermath? That Josh would return to them an exact copy of the boy he'd been before.

The man in front of him was almost a stranger, looks wise anyway.  _He's still Josh. Don't be such an idiot and start fearing the worst when he's not even awake yet._  Walking a few more steps forward, he slowly took a seat next to the bed, staring down at his hands like he used to do when he was embarrassed at school.  _Don't be so stupid_ , he thought again.  _Who's judging me here?_  "Hey," he softly murmured, raising his head to look upon his sleeping friend. Closer up he could make out the tiny tangles in the dark hair, and a small scar just next to his left eye. "It's okay...I'm here," he murmured, mulling over the millions of thoughts and emotions floating around in his head. "I don't know what to say Josh...I'm sorry for not protecting you, I'm sorry that you were taken and hurt and–"

Instinct took over anxiety, and he reached out to gently take the bandaged hand in his, handling the limb as if it were made out of porcelain. "I'm gonna look after you, okay? We all are. You're gonna be out of here before you know it and come home with us," he promised, rubbing a thumb softly over the skinny fingers. "We aren't gonna let anything bad happen to you ever again."

The vow sounded so empty in the quiet room, the promise falling on deaf ears, with only the beeping of the machines acknowledging him. It didn't feel like enough. It was all very well and good saying "again" but he should never have to had to say it in the first place. He should have done better, should never have let it happen at all. The connection he had with Josh, the one they shared with each other; he'd known something was wrong and yet he'd allowed the boy to push him away. Had it been the other way around, Simon knew Josh would have dropped everything until he was certain the blond boy was absolutely fine.

 _Worthless_ , the menacing voice in the back of Simon's mind crept into his consciousness.  _You don't deserve to be his friend. You don't deserve to have him back._  He felt himself begin to quiver and his heart rate increase again; demons he'd worked hard to bury were attempting to surface again. A change in conversation was needed.

"So much has happened, we've got so much to tell and show you," he started, leaning closer so he was only inches away from the still face. "You were right, y'know, YouTube really did take off and we all hopped on the bandwagon." He forced out a small laugh, hoping and praying that somehow a bit of lightheartedness from himself would find it's way into Josh's dark world. "Get this, JJ has over fifteen million subscribers," he told him, "back in the day, getting ten thousand was insane!"

He paused and studied Josh's face again, and thought that maybe, just maybe, there was a slight change; that maybe he looked a bit less terrified. Then again it was most likely a trick of the light.

"Bet you can't guess how many I've got," he continued, a slightly larger smirk forming on his face, "five point seven million. Me, plain old Simon." He left out the part about all the fangirls who thought he was so "hot" and "cute", it was kind of embarrassing to talk about, even to someone who most likely couldn't hear him. "I kinda got roped into it by filming for JJ and things just accidentally fell into place," he let Josh know, before sighing. "You should have been there with us, watching us grow, you'd have loved it."

It wan't right. YouTube had been Josh's thing. He was the first one to have fallen in love with it and dreamt up a future for all of them. He'd always been so excited and put so much work into editing his videos and encouraging Vik and JJ to work on their content, and now he was the one who'd been denied that dream. Simon hadn't been on Josh's channel for a long time but knew it had died a while ago, lost amongst the millions of others when no new content was added.

"But there's still time," he insisted, frowning as he decided how pathetic that sounded. "I'm sorry, you've been through so much and here I am talking about fucking YouTube, that's probably the last thing on your mind."

It was the only safe topic he could think up, everything else was so bleak. How on earth was he ever going to talk about Josh's mum, his dad, all the problems the lads had been through, his own battles with his mind...

He dropped his head onto the metal side railing of the bed, still keeping the other man's cold hand in his. "I don't know what I'm doing Josh, I've waited so long to see you again, and now you're eventually here I'm struggling for words." He gave a small laugh, raising his head again "That's not like us, is it? It was always banter or comfortable silences." He used his other hand to massage the back of his neck, God he felt so tired. "I don't really know what this counts as," he murmured, "seeing as it's not exactly your choice to be quiet at the moment."

Ever since he'd first met Josh, in the park so many years ago, the bond they'd formed was a two way deal, whether they were laughing, chatting, silent or occasionally crying, they bounced off each other. Ever since he'd lost Josh, it was like Simon had lost part of himself, the part that always knew what he needed.

"I missed you so much," choked out, unable to stop himself from welling up again. "I'm scared what's gonna happen when you wake up...I don't know how you're gonna react to everything but no matter what...just know that I'll be here, and I'm not going to leave your side. I'm gonna be the friend I should have been all those years ago."

Sniffing and wiping a hand across his eyes, he regretfully remembered there were four other lads who had to be informed. "Me and Tobi have got to go and let the others know about...well, everything." That was not going to be an easy couple of phone calls. "Vik and Ethan have grown up so much, you're gonna be proud of them, JJ...well not so much," he chuckled, "but he's still the same guy you remember, no filter but still somehow lovable."

Standing up and allowing the faint rays of sunlight to wash over him, he finally made moves to leave the room. "Don't wake up until I get back, okay?" Simon said, placing a hand on top of Josh's head and lightly running his fingers across the unkempt hair. "From the moment you wake up, one of us will be here. I promise you that. You're not alone."

Still silence. Still no movement. Still the scared expression.

After a long look at the sleeping man, he forced himself into moving. "Love ya buddy," he whispered, leaning down and placing a kiss on the pale forehead, before hurrying out of the room so he could return as soon as possible, the door shutting loudly behind him.

All was still quiet inside the room, except for the beeping of the machine.

However, not all was still, and if he'd stayed just a few seconds longer, he might have noticed the flicker of the the pale eyelids and the slight twitch of the fingers where Simon's had been just a moment earlier.


	22. First Word

_His dreams have merged into a much darker scene. And one a lot more recent._

_It was feeding time, and he'd been overly eager, pushing himself as close to the door as he could now he was no longer kept chained up. It was a mistake, he'd realised that as soon as the door swung open roughly and his captor was standing there, a furious expression on his face when he spots Josh right in front of him._

_He'd been too close to the door. How could he have been so stupid? It looked like he was thinking about leaving. That was selfish of him; after all, he'd been trusted enough to be left unchained._

_"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" the man yells at him, sending a swift kick to his ribs. "Get back in the corner, you piece of shit," he snarled as the young man let out a muted cry of pain._

_Josh scuttled back as quick as possible, the pain in his side like white lightening through his body, and pushed himself back up against the dark corner, hoping and praying that if he made himself look small enough then the other would let his misbehaviour go._

_Unfortunately it was not to be. Instead of handing the thrown together mess that passed as food to him, a dark look passes through the man's eyes. Josh feels the undying surge of absolute terror when the man begins to undo his belt. His mouth goes dry and old scars ache in memory of the horrors that follow whenever "it" occurs._

_Tears are streaming down his face now, and he's shaking so hard it almost looks like he's convulsing. There will be no pity for him from this man though, who seems to take pride in the fact he has the boy so scared. "You need teaching a lesson," the man simply says, before launching himself like a predator towards his prey._

_The pain he feels in that moment is like he's experiencing the whole thing for real once again. The torment on his body that always left him immobile in the darkness afterwards. Except this time, there is not complete darkness afterwards, with only his harsh breathing to keep him company. There is another sound._

_It was a voice...the voice from before...calming and familiar. And it was calling to him._

_He was scared, and he was tired. It seemed like a great deal of effort to go towards that voice, but there was something about it that he just couldn't draw himself away from._

_Through the darkness he fought his way, clawing his way towards the calm voice and then..._

_He blinked, closed his eyes, and blinked again. Streaks of sunlight penetrated the window and blinded him. He remembered this room, it had been filled with people who liked to poke him and stick things in him earlier...where was he again?_

_There are people surrounding him now but they are just blurs on the edges of his vision. Their shapes have no meaning to him._

_He is scared. Only a few seconds ago he had been in that dark room being...being taught a lesson. Perhaps this was just another lesson...or perhaps he'd escaped and when he was found he'd only be punished more. He didn't think he could take much more._

_Only one thing was keeping him grounded at that moment; that same steady, calming voice. One that he thought he knew but just couldn't quite pinpoint._

_"It's okay." It was telling him. Was it really?_

_"...out of the fucking way!...Stop it!"_

_He hears the other voices suddenly, harsh to his sensitive ears, ones who sounded angry, and he is instantly on edge. Those weren't the voices he had been following. These weren't calming, these were mad._

_Was he in trouble again?_

_Someone has grabbed hold of his hand, the touch shocking him as he turns to look at the owner. His vision is still blurred and his thoughts still heavy with medication, but the moment he see's those blue eyes gazing back at him, he felt something he hadn't felt in years._

_A glimmer of hope lit up in his heart. The tiniest of flames, threatened at being extinguished by the gentlest breeze. At the moment he was still unsure as to why those blue eyes meant so much to him but what he did know, was that the men and women who had just entered the room were not good._

_They were the ones who sent him to sleep and back to that horrible place. He knew if he was sent into the darkness again it would only be harder for him to get back out. He didn't want to leave blue eyes. He didn't want to leave the one bit of hope he had._

_And so he let his feelings be heard. There was only one word really that he could think of at that moment..._

_..._

"Lads!" Simon called out as he spotted Vik and Ethan walking hurriedly down the hallway. He readied himself for the two greetings he expected to receive and wasn't disappointed when both younger boys wrapped him in strong hugs. He laughed lightly, ruffling Vik's hair and flinging an arm over Ethan's shoulder. Looking around, he queried after their missing friend. "Where's JJ?"

Vik shrugged. "He's on his way, said he had something to do first," he explained.

Ethan frowned. "I thought this would be the most important," he muttered. His eyes were red, as though he'd been rubbing at them a lot recently.

"He said he'd be leaving straight away when I spoke to him," Simon added. JJ had sounded just as shocked, relieved and confused as the rest of them upon hearing the news.

"Guess something else came up," Vik offered, trying to defuse any anger the older boys might be feeling.

"Whatever," Ethan mumbled, looking up at Simon impatiently. "He awake yet?"

"Not yet, Tobi's in there at the moment."

"Can we see him?" Vik asked, his voice barely above a whisper, and Simon could tell that he was scared.

"Yeah, you remember what I said to you?" Simon reminded them both.

"That he looks like shit and will make me want to punch a wall in anger, yeah, yeah, just get me in there." Despite his nonchalant attitude, Simon could also easily tell Ethan was scared too, but he had to admire the bravado the younger boy was putting on, figuring he could sense Vik's nervousness and was trying to make it easier for him.

"Alright, c'mon then," he said gently, ushering his friends into the room, preparing himself for the vastly different reactions he expected. And varied they were indeed.

The moment Ethan set his eyes on Josh, his reaction was instant, rage boiling over as his cheeks rendered in anger. "Bastard!" he shouted into the quiet room, alerting Tobi, who was currently sitting by the bed, to their presence.

"Shh," Simon nudged him. Josh might not be waking up any time soon but they didn't need to go disturbing other patients. The last thing he wanted was to be kicked out of a hospital.

Ethan mumbled an apology and immediately marched over to the other side of the bed, nodding to Tobi before he sat himself down opposite him, grabbing hold of Josh's right hand - one of the few uninjured parts - and starting up a conversation about football as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Simon had to smile at his actions. An over-thinker Ethan was not, he was one of the most straight forward guys he knew; but someone like that was good to have around right now. Someone who wasn't afraid to say it as it is.

On the other hand, Vik was currently dealing with everything a lot differently. Silent tremors shook his small body and Simon could see him biting down on the inside of his lip in an attempt to keep his upset quiet. Despite his valiant efforts he was unable to stop the tears from sliding down his cheeks as he took in the sight of his "older brother".

Simon felt huge sympathy for him. He'd been so young when Josh disappeared. He might only be a few months younger than Ethan but sometimes it seemed like a few years, he just had that innocent quality about him, and was clearly struggling to comprehend just how badly hurt and mistreated their friend was. "C'mere," he said, pulling the small boy into his side.

"I–I...it's...he's," the younger boy stuttered into his chest, his tears dampening the fabric slightly.

"I know," Simon hushed, holding him tighter. "I know."

"What's going to happen when he wakes up Si?" Vik whispered, finally pulling his head away and glancing back to their sleeping friend.

The blond sighed. "Well, they need to check for evidence of sexual abuse...and if he has been then they'll test him for...y'know, all that shit," he trailed off, not needing to go into all the details.

"And then what?" Vik asked.

"Then they'll give him a psych evaluation, probably want to know how soon it can be until he has an interview."

"And then?" 

"And then he's coming home with us," Simon answered patiently after Vik's insistent questioning. It was just a nervous habit the boy had.

"I think that's the part I'm most worried about," the boy admitted.

"Me too," Simon agreed, bumping his shoulder lightly against the other's, "but we'll work through it together," he promised.

The sound of a desk being thumped repeatedly caused them both to look over to Ethan, who was in the process of smacking his hand down on the bedside table, all the while angrily staring at Josh's face. Tobi was watching him exasperatedly unsure what he should say, but Simon knew telling it to Ethan straight was always the best policy.

"Ethan, if you need to punch something make sure you go outside to do it," he spoke up, "stuff in here's quite expensive," warned.

The younger boy stopped immediately and stared down at his own hand, as if he hadn't even realised what he'd been doing. "Sorry," he apologised sheepishly.

Simon nodded in understanding. "Calm head, okay?"

"Yeah," Ethan agreed, tilting his head. "How are you so calm now?"

"Believe me, I wasn't when I first saw him either," Simon told him.

Ethan considered this, before turning back to Josh. "Y'know what? I get that he looks different, like different as in a lot worse..." he began, "but then again he's still Josh." A hesitant smile crept onto his face. "He's still the prick who used to get me in a choke hold and not let me go until I did what he wanted," he finished, hastily glancing up at the others to see if they disapproved of his little joke.

They didn't. In fact they all had small smiles on their face too. It had been a nice little observation, and one they hoped sincerely was the truth.

The room descended into quiet once again as all four sat around their friend. Tobi started talking quietly to Josh again, much like how Simon had been doing earlier. Meanwhile the blond began to feel his eyelids drooping against his will but suddenly they were shocked wide open again when Tobi exclaimed loudly: "He's waking up! Boys!"

Simon immediately jumped up from the window seat and came and bent down next to Tobi, staring at Josh's face. From what he could see, there was still no movement. "Are you sure Tobi?" he queried softly.

"Yeah, his eyes definitely twitched!"

"That could just be him dreaming?" Vik pointed out.

"No, that was the first time I've seen any movement from him!" Tobi insisted. "He ain't moved at all, has he Simon? Not even a little bit."

"No...no he hasn't," the blond had to agree on that point, and he too leaned closer. "Josh? Josh, can you here me?" he asked quietly. "If you can here me try and open your eyes," he encouraged. "C'mon Josh, you can do it, I know you can."

For a few moments it looked as if Tobi had been imagining things but then...

"I definitely saw his eyes twitch that time!"

Simon met Ethan's excited gaze, his own eyes equally wide with excitement. "Yeah, c'mon Josh, you're doing so well. Just gotta try a little harder," he continued speaking to his friend, repeating the same encouraging phrases over and over again, all while the others watched with baited breath.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, the pale eyelids twitched and then opened the tiniest amount. Immediately they shut again but then, ever so slowly, they reopened, revealing the hazel orbs Simon had missed so much.

"Hey there," the blond whispered, his throat tight with emotion. "Hey, it's okay," he reassured as Josh's darted his eyes about the room anxiously.

He still looked so nervous but Simon assumed that was because he didn't know where he was. As soon as he saw them and knew all the lads were there for him he should be alright.

"Let me see him," Ethan exclaimed, trying to shove Vik out of the way so he could be the one nearest the top of the bed.

"No Ethan, stop pushing me!"

"Well move out of the fucking way."

"Stop it, you two!" Tobi growled, as he pressed the button that would alert the doctor that their patient was awake.

Simon sent them a warning glare also, although not because they were doing his head in, but because of the shift he'd noticed in Josh's expression; one so subtle it was barely identifiable. He could sense it though, sense the sudden overwhelming fear and panic that had risen inside the man.

"Josh, what's the matter?" he asked urgently, taking hold of the rigid hand, trying to offer some sort of comfort. "What do you need? Are you in pain?"

Hazel eyes met blue and for a second it looked as though his friend had calmed down. However a moment later, the terror was there again, even stronger than previously as the doctors and nurses rushed into the room.

"No..." Even though it had been barely above a whisper, there was something in Josh's voice that set Simon's nerves on edge.

"Josh?" he questioned again, his voice breaking as the other man desperately tried to cower away from them all.

"No!" he yelled, his own voice hoarse from disuse. "No, no, no!" There was no stopping or calming him as he continued to shout out in distress, tearing his hand away from Simon's. Simon found himself rooted to the spot, unable to do anything at that moment in time while Josh writhed on the bed in terror.

He didn't understand. Josh had looked at him and reacted like this?

He was getting ushered out of the way while Josh continued to shout out the same word over and over. One of the lads was talking to him, trying to get him to snap out of it, but that was easier said than done after what had just happened.

Or at least what Simon perceived as having just happened.

Because while Josh's fears might have been getting sent back into the darkness that was so hard to wake from, with the threat of having to repeat that nightmare or one of the hundred others he had stored away. For Simon, he'd interrupted it quite differently.

_It's my fault._

His best friend, since he was five years old...was scared of him.


	23. The Next Step

_Okay, maybe shouting 'no' repeatedly had been a misjudgement on his part. It hadn't really done anyone any favours and was probably a low point of the day for most of the people present. Thankfully, despite his manic reaction, he had not been put back to sleep again, and was merely given a mild sedative to keep him drowsy. It allowed the doctors to finally gain his permission to do a full examination of him; why bother fighting them anymore, he'd thought tiredly, they'd find out eventually. Let them write out their mandatory reports so they could stop worrying about him and see to other patients who were seriously hurt or sick._

_He could've saved them even more time and money by actually verbally telling them what had happened to him, but at the moment that was a task he was not up to. After his earlier outburst, 'no' ended up being the only word he said throughout nearly his entire stint at the hospital, if you didn't count the intelligible shouts and screams back when he'd first arrived disorientated. He was there for a total of three weeks, linked up to that stupid IV, with half his body immobilised due to bandages and casts. Still, it seemed like a luxury hotel compared to the dark basements he'd spent six years in. Hospital food was pretty fucking good too._

_The biggest downside of his hospital stay were the examinations, although not the physical ones. Don't get him wrong, they were not how he'd liked to have spent his time but they were do-able. No, it was the so-called mental health examinations he was required to take, so they could assess how fucked up he was in the head and decide whether or not they had to cart him off to Arkham. He'd always been a very private guy, even with the closest of his friends, so if they thought he was going to spill his guts to someone he barely knew they were the ones fucked up in the head._

_Afterwards he often felt more stressed than before, after the barrage of questions. What happened on the night you were taken? What happened on a day-to-day basis? Did you ever see anyone else? Did you ever have conversations with Mr Anderson? Do you know why he took you? Were you afraid of him before? How did you feel, being kept locked away for so long? How do you feel now? Why won't you speak to me, Josh? What do I need to do to earn your trust?_

_He kept up the tradition and never spoke during those sessions, not just because he'd been conditioned into believing talking was bad for nearly two years, but because he had no answers to the questions she was answering. Why bother speaking when a lowered gaze or occasionally a small shrug of the shoulders said all he needed to? He knew if the man had still been alive, then telling them about the other part...the bit before he'd been taken, would be of use to them. But the guy was dead, what good could it do now?_

_He felt bad. The doctor, Karen, seems like a nice woman, well meaning, but she just didn't understand anything. She tries to ask him about what happened, assuring him that nothing bad will happen to him, that his captor...Mr Anderson, was dead and could never hurt him again._

_That's where she was wrong. He could still be hurt. He could still be scared. Even with the man dead, he still had an incredibly powerful hold over him. Every time he was moved to a new room he felt as if he were going to be punished for moving to the new location. Every time he shut his eyes, dark and horrible memories would return to him. Every time he saw a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he was reminded of how much he had lost; how he had turned from a normal eighteen year old into this..._

_He couldn't even fucking write properly anymore, due to the one injury he'd inflicted upon himself in that moment of unexplained rage. His left hand had truly been messed up for good and he was told he'd never be able to use it to do dexterous tasks again. He supposed for writing he could make do with his right, he was practically ambidextrous anyway; but it would always be there, a reminder of the kidnapping. His right foot was a bit dodgy as well, the one they'd had to put a cast on for a bit to help with the healing process, although he was told it should heal fully in time. That was a minor win for him, he thought. He'd been extra careful not to put any weight on it after it had been stamped on forcefully a couple of months ago._

_At least he hadn't been left alone, he'd found that when he was on his own it was always easier for his nightmarish thoughts to catch up with him. At least with someone else to concentrate on he could remain that little bit saner. There was a nurse who came to check on him regularly and then his doctor every so often. He'd been allowed to see the boys a quite few times, nearly every day, but only two at a time ever since he'd woken up. At first those meetings were awkward, after the initial greetings of how overjoyed they were that he was back and how much they'd missed him. He knew he wasn't helping the situation by keeping silent and often felt guilty until long after they'd left, wishing he could offer up some explanation for his lack of input. But what could he say? I've been trained not to talk? I'm scared I'll be hurt if I make a sound? I don't even know if I know how to talk anymore? They all sounded so dumb and he knew he was being stupid for thinking them but it was just how it was._

_They each had different methods of coping with his muteness. Simon and JJ appeared at the same time usually. JJ was pretty much the same as how he remembered him, loud and boisterous, but he made an effort to reign it in whenever he visited. The same couldn't be said for his other friend though. There was something up with his Simon, and despite all he'd been through, the old surge of protectiveness rose up within him whenever he sensed something was upsetting the blond. He was quiet, way too quiet, and while Josh knew that could be because of the shock, the fact that whenever they happened to make eye contact the blond would hurriedly look away was definitely a sign something was bothering him. It was meant to be Josh who didn't like making eye contact._

_He couldn't work out what it was though. Dozens of thoughts entered his mind, the worst one being Simon hated him for some reason and simply didn't want to be there. But it had been Simon who'd managed to drag him from his nightmare, with his calming words; and it had been his blue eyes that were the first to greet him. So had something happened in between then and now?_

_Ethan liked coming on his own, using his time to tell Josh the facts of the world as it was now. Actually it turned out he didn't know a lot of them himself, and had ended up googling the leaders of the world for him and other various news items that had occurred over the years. He'd brought Harry along once; they lived near each other now apparently, in the same tower block. That amused him a little. Back in the day Ethan had been the one telling him to stop talking to the "little goat fucking Guernsey boy"._

_Vik could ramble on for a nation, about anything and everything. From the moment he walked through the door to the moment he left he would be talking non-stop. That was probably why he was usually joined by Tobi. His old school buddy never said much, but he didn't need too; the small amused glances he sent his way every so often and the tiny exasperated shakes of his head whenever Vik said something particularly ridiculous always made Josh feel grateful, even if he could not bring himself to return the gestures. It made him feel as if he were in on the conversation, despite feeling as if he'd been frozen in time for six years while the rest of the boys grew up and lived their lives._

_Men, he always had to remind himself. They were all men now, even little Vik, who'd been about a foot shorter when he'd last seen him. And Harry had grown up too. He'd felt a bit of pride when Ethan told him how Harry had joined them in their group known as the Sidemen. He knew that kid had potential ever since he'd first started talking to him._

_The whole YouTube thing was definitely overwhelming for him as well. He'd always known it was going to be massive when he'd first started uploading back in the day, but being told the boy's were actually making a comfortable living out of it, it seemed almost like a dream._

_There was one person however who he wished to see but never did. He'd asked - or rather written - about his mum and the doctor had promised she'd find out for him. During their next sessions she had regretfully informed him she'd been told his mum had been moved to a mental hospital and wouldn't be up for seeing him yet. Saddened - although perhaps not shocked - as he was by this news, and as much as he wanted to see her, he reasoned with himself that seeing him in such a sorry state would do her more harm than good. That could wait, as soon as he looked like a half decent human being on the outside then he could go and visit. In the meantime, knowing that she knew her son was alive would have to do._

_As long as he didn't get shipped off to the same place she was, what a reunion that would be. He worried that was entirely possible though, and that he hadn't done anything to help his case. The impression he'd made on Karen can't have been that positive and whenever he saw her scribbling down notes in that book of hers he felt the urge to tear it from her and read what she was deciding his fate would be._

_However it turned out slightly different to how he was anticipating. His stay at the hospital was coming to an end, he knew it was. He'd put on enough weight that he didn't fall under the seriously malnourished category and his most recent injuries had healed up. Now he was just a waste of space, taking up a bed for someone more in need of it._

_In what was one of his last sessions with Karen, it started out as normal, the woman asking him questions he didn't want to answer and then the two of them sitting in silence, with him avoiding all eye contact, fiddling with a loose thread on his t-shirt. As the clock ticked away and the end drew near, the doctor said something that caught him by surprise. She'd just finished telling him that this would be their last session - hooray for that - and that he was going to be released the day after tomorrow - double yay. That bit of information he had been expecting sometime soon but the question that followed it, he had not._

_"What do you want Josh?" she asked gently. "What do you want to happen now?" she clarified when the startled hazel eyes looked up into hers._

_He held her gaze, swallowing to try and rid the dryness from his throat. He opened his mouth and then shut it again, judging whether or not she was being serious or if this was some kind of trick. She smiled back warmly at him, waiting patiently for his answer._

_He narrowed his eyes, glancing to the pen and paper next to him, available if he wanted to write something down. It was tempting but he felt that spoken words always had a greater affect than written ones, in terms of persuasion; and this answer was important._

_Meeting the doctor's steady gaze again, he opened his mouth. There was only one thing he really, truly wanted._

_..._

"Would you quit that?" Simon mumbled, irritated as JJ tapped out a rhythm on the legs of his chair. It didn't even match the rhythm of the elevator music that was being played through the hospital speakers.

"Sorry," JJ responded, stopping momentarily before whistling instead. "They should play more decent music in here, instead of this crap," he defended himself when Simon sent him a piercing glare.

"Maybe they don't want people to get too comfortable?" Vik added from his spot on the floor opposite them, lifting his head which had previously been resting between his knees. "Y'know, like the people who only come here for the morphine."

"I doubt people who are that desperate will be put off by the tunes Vik," Simon sighed, wondering how much longer they'd have to wait around.

"What do you think they should be playing JJ?" Vik shot back when the older boy started laughing. "La-Lamborghini, La-Lamborghini," he mocked.

JJ wasn't bothered, taking it in his stride. "Yeah, get people's blood pumping," he agreed with a grin, "give them some energy."

"More like give them an aneurysm," Tobi muttered from his seat next to Simon

"Shut the fuck up Tobi," JJ said, before pausing in confusion. "What's an aneurysm?"

While the rest of the lads proceeded to inform JJ of his stupidity, Simon leaned further back in his chair, gazing at the wall clock, trying to imagine their reason for being there. All five had been requested in by Josh's doctor, or one of his doctor's, to come in for a chat, although she hadn't said what about. She was currently fifteen minutes late, and though Simon could understand doctors were some of the most overworked professionals in their country, sitting with all his friends was not the best for him right now. He didn't need so many pairs of eyes on him, especially when he was feeling like he was.

He could only assume that they were all here to be told what was going to be happening to Josh when he was released. Although still not completely healthy, his friend was no longer completely skin and bones and his major injuries and infections had been seen to. He'd known it was only a matter of time before he was relocated. Obviously Josh was going to have to be sent to some specialised facility, he'd come to terms with that over the past week or so. The guy was less than just a shadow of his old friend. He'd never been extremely loud in the past, but the permanent silence and blank, unnerving stares were enough of an indication that there was a terrible darkness hidden behind those hazel eyes.

Whenever he'd met Josh's gaze for longer than half a second, it was like a window to a nightmarish world, filled with terrors the blond never imagined happening to any of them. Not that he could maintain eye contact for long; he was still shaken after he'd scared Josh after he'd woken up, and didn't want a repeat of that scene. He didn't know why Josh had been so terrified of him but there was no way he was going to risk agitating him any more. It had been best to let JJ do most of the talking.

Simon had been worried about telling the boy about his mum, scared that the knowledge that she'd passed away while he'd been held prisoner might flip him over the edge. He'd spoken to Karen about it, wanting her advice on when and how to tell him. However to his surprise she'd explained that she'd already told Josh about her after he'd inquired, and when Simon had asked, wide-eyed, how he'd reacted, she had said that he'd been understandably shocked but calm enough about it.

That was just another sign to Simon that Josh was not right at all. There was no way he would have accepted his mum's death so easily, not when half his childhood was spent protecting and taking care of her. If he'd reacted calmly to the news she'd committed suicide...well, he hated to think of what little there must left be of his original friend.

 _You failure. You failed him. What sort of friend do you call yourself?_  Suddenly a surge of emotions, both old and new, flooded his heart and he felt the dark voice whispering to him at the back of his mind. Reaching down he fiddled with the band around his wrist, snapping it against his skin and twisting it with his fingers, taking a few deep breaths to steady himself.

"You were last to visit him, right Ethan?" he asked, as a distraction for himself, proud of how relaxed he was able to make his voice.

"Yeah mate," the younger boy replied, looking up from his phone, eyes narrowing when he spotted Simon playing with the band, giving him a questioning look.

Simon shook his head, silently letting his friend know he was alright, at least for now. "And he was still the same?" he asked.

Ethan shrugged, reaching over to steal a crisp from Vik. "They've taken the cast off his foot," he said, mouth full.

The elder gave him a pointed look. "You know what I mean," he commented and the younger boy squirmed slightly under the intensity of the gaze.

"I dunno Si...I guess he was," he mumbled, "although I did manage to maintain eye contact for more than half a second," he proclaimed with a half smile, sending JJ a cheeky look. "That was when I was telling him about that one girl you brought back, y'know that one who insisted that you use–"

"BLA BLA BLA!"

"JJ!" Simon nudged his friend roughly when he practically screamed in the hallway. "What have I told you about keeping quiet?"

His friend ignored him and focused on Ethan. "What'd you tell him that for?" he complained while a few staff members gave him annoyed stares, making Simon wish more than ever that Karen would turn up so he didn't have to keep JJ entertained any longer in a small space.  _I feel like I'm running a fucking creche sometimes._

"What?" Ethan shot back, wiggling his eyebrows at a frustrated JJ. "It's not like he's gonna be passing it on to anyone else," he added quietly, but they all heard it.

"Shut up Ethan," Vik surprised them all by snapping at the slightly older boy, sending him a warning glare. "He's gonna talk, eventually, it's just gonna take some time..."

"You're his doctor, are you?" Ethan asked.

"No..." the youngest blushed, "but the doctors have told us that there's no physical reason for his silence so therefore there's no reason he's gonna stay quiet," he said with conviction.

"I dunno," Ethan sighed. "I reckon it's gonna be a while if even Simon can't get through to him," he commented, checking on the blond again who was still fiddling with the rubber band.

Simon could practically feel JJ's eyes on him when Ethan said that. "Yeah...about that," he started and Simon dreaded the inevitable conversation. JJ was the only one who had been present to his almost complete silence when visiting Josh. Simon had been somehow hoping that the younger boy hadn't picked up on it, but that had been stupid to hope; JJ just hadn't confronted him about it yet.

 _And of course he chooses to when everybody else is here_ , Simon thought, bracing himself for an awkward conversation. Fortunately, before anything could be said, their late doctor finally decided to make an appearance, rushing down the corridor and heading straight towards them.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," she apologised after greeting them and leading them all to the fairly empty staff room. "I had a patient lock themselves into my office so they could record rude messages onto the voice recorder."

She told them to take a seat and offered them tea or coffee. Simon declined, wanting to get to the bottom of their visit straight away. "What was it you wanted to talk to us about?" he asked, while the woman was in the middle of making the drinks.

He saw the small smile as she stirred in the sugar. "Well, before I get to that, I'd just like to start off by saying you boys are doing a wonderful job, I've had many patients throughout the years and not one of them has been visited by their friends as much as Josh has," she complimented them.

Simon saw Ethan sitting up with pride out of the corner of his eye. "We are kinda lucky on that front, pretty flexible with our time," the boy explained.

Karen nodded and handed out the drinks. "Even so, it's doing him the world of good to see someone he knows and trusts everyday."

"Is it really?" Simon spoke up, sounding harsher than he intended. "Is it really doing him any good? Cause the last time I checked he still hasn't spoken a word."

"People process traumas in different ways," the woman responded calmly, well used to far greater outbursts from her patients than the one from the young man in front of her. "Your friend has been through something most people can only imagine in their darkest nightmares, but for him, it's been his reality for six years."

"So you're saying he's messed up, is that it?" Simon could feel the shocked gazes from the other lads, but he wanted the truth. It was what they'd all been thinking anyway and for once he was being the straight talking one.

"No, of course not," the doctor responded instantly. "No matter how badly someone has been hurt recovery is always possible. It just takes time and patience and a whole lot of love."

Now it was Vik's turn to sit up straighter with pride as he sent them all an "I told you so" look. Meanwhile, Karen met each of the boy's eyes, a glint of hope sparkling in her own. "I was hoping you boys would be able to provide him with some of that," she mentioned quietly.

Ethan was the first to reply. "Well I'm not the best with time keeping, and my short fuse is my trademark, I'm not gonna lie to you," he said, earning him a gentle smile from the woman. "But I love him, I do really fucking love him, sorry for my language," he apologised at the end, while the other lads also sent him smiles, Simon included.

 _You're a good kid_ , the blond thought. _No matter what you think, you're a good kid._

Karen seemed to agree with the sentiment too, giving Ethan a look of understanding. "And that's the most important," she insisted.

"So what's gonna happen now? Is he..." Tobi began nervously, "is he being sent somewhere else?"

The woman took a sip of her coffee, before explaining: "That was an option available to us, but I always prefer to leave that as a last resort if I have the choice," she told them. "Not everybody is lucky to have others in your position who would be willing to take on such a big responsibility..." Her eyes glazed over for a second in thought and perhaps a hint of fondness, "but for Josh, well," she sent another smile their way, "he made it pretty clear what he wanted."

Simon was confused by this, as were all the others. "What he wanted?" JJ questioned.

Setting her mug down, the woman began to recount what had passed between her and their friend. "I have asked Josh many questions over the past two weeks, questions I get the feeling he thinks I'm stupid for asking or ones he just hasn't found the words to answer yet," she began. "But the most recent question I asked him, what he wanted to happen next, certainly got a response out of him." She inhaled deeply before announcing: "He told me he wanted to go home, home with his friends."

There was silence in the room as all five boys stared at her in a mixture of confusion, shock and disbelief. "He told you that?" Vik asked incredulously. "You mean, like, out loud?"

"Yes," she said, eyes sparkling even more, "and I know," she admitted at their expressions, "they are the only words I have managed to get out of him from all our sessions together." Lowering her voice, she said sincerely: "So I figured they must be very important."

The other lads were excited about that news, perhaps a little confused and nervous, but overall excited. However Simon was frustrated more than anything. "That's it? You're just going to let him go home like that?" he asked. "He's still not well, you're a doctor, you're meant to make him better..." There was no way his friend was ready to return to a normal home.

The woman looked at him kindly. "There's only so much that can be achieved within four walls," she said. Simon opened his mouth to argue but Tobi spoke up first.

"What would we need to do?" he inquired. "Like, I assume there'll be rules or something, you're not just cutting us off completely."

"Of course we're not, you would have access to twenty four hour support as well as regular check ups from a specialist." She was putting on a good argument for them, Simon could see the other lads being taken in by her persuasion. "I could write up a list of do's and don't's but at the end of the day you probably know Josh a lot better than me, to know what will make him happy or upset him."

"Dr Pepper," JJ commented, narrowing his eyes in thought before darkly growling out the word, "mushrooms."

Ethan snorted. "You're very weird."

Vik, despite being the one who'd been defending their friend's full recovery earlier, was skeptical. "So you honestly believe that Josh coming home with us is what's best for him?" he asked for clarification.

"I believe that he wants to get out of here, and I believe he wants to get out of his sessions with me," Karen told them with the same fond smile. "But I also believe he trusts you lads very much," she added, "and from what I've seen, I believe you are all willing to do what it takes to make sure he's taken care of." Her face turned serious. "But I'm not going to sugar coat it, this will be tough, for everyone involved."

"Yeah well we can face the tough together," Ethan spoke up straight away, "like we used to." He turned to the others when no one else voiced their agreement. "Guys?" he asked with a frown.

Karen stood up at that point, giving them a nod of encouragement. "I'll give you lads some time to think things through," she told them, excusing herself from the room.

To their credit, each of the lads remained silent after she had left, even JJ, and Ethan who had already made up his mind apparently. Still, it was good for him to be able to think things over more thoroughly.

Simon for one, thought the idea was crazy, verging on the ridiculous. What was it with authorities and wanting to pass the responsibility off onto unprofessionals. First it had been the police, who'd all but given up on their search for his friend and now the healthcare system seemed to think Josh would have a better chance with them instead of somewhere with people who were qualified to handle people like him.

Karen seemed sold on it though, and he was inclined to trust her judgment. She was the only one who'd managed to get Josh to speak so far. And then there was the fact that Josh had been the one to come to that conclusion, of wanting to come home to them. But was leaving the decision up to him really the most sensible of choices?

Then there was also the fact of the certain publicity their careers had gained them. Josh was known to the majority of their fans and they knew by now that the boy had been found. In fact most of the country did and it had required a permanent guard outside the boy's door to keep any nosy press out. Hiding the fact that Josh had come home to live with them would be impossible, not to mention that despite what some people thought, they were all very busy individuals.

 _Don't be so selfish_ , the voice whispered to him.  _Who puts their career before their friends? Monsters, that's who._  Simon pushed the voice away, using every method he'd been taught to shut it up. Of course, Josh was his number one priority; but if their careers started to go down the drain, were they really going to be able to remain sane enough themselves to take care of their friend?

After about five minutes of almost complete silence, Tobi spoke up, putting his hand on Ethan's shoulder with a small smile. "Well I've made my decision," he announced, nodding when the younger boy looked at him hopefully.

"Me too," Vik said.

Looking around at the rest, Tobi questioned: "We all in?"

"Hell yeah!" JJ exclaimed.

"Abso-fucking-lutely," Vik added.

"Yeah boi," Ethan confirmed, not that they really needed his answer. "Simon?" he asked when the blond remained silent.

The eldest sighed, taking in each of their hopeful expressions and realising he couldn't deny them of this, while at the same time wondering if he was going to regret this decision. After a few more seconds he nodded his head slowly also. "Yeah...yeah, I'm in."

For better or for worse, he was in.


	24. Still In There

_Yes, he was finally leaving! He was finally leaving his tiny room in the massive hospital where everything was too clinical and clean. There would be no more regular physical examinations or interrupted sleeps from nurses doing the rounds. There would still be appointments with a psychiatrist but that was only once every two weeks, and maybe the new doctor wouldn't ask him so many stupid questions._

_No...that was being harsh to Karen; whatever he thought of the sessions with the woman, the actual doctor as a person was thoroughly nice and welcoming, and one of the only other people he could say he could trust, apart from his friends. After all, she was the one who'd made it possible for today to happen the way he wanted it to, rather than him being sent to some facility, away from his friends once more._

_Much to his surprise, he found the stuff he was to be leaving with consisted of not only the few clothes provided to him by the hospital and some charity but also bags of gifts bought for him by the nurses and doctors who'd been assigned to care for him, even the guy he'd bitten on his first day who settled his embarrassment by saying it was nowhere near as bad as the one delirious patient who'd projectile vomited all over him._

_Clothes and snack favourites were the main gifts, although some people had given him books and one elderly nurse had even got him an iPod. He didn't quite understand all the fuss. Was this the norm for every patient? If it wasn't he had no idea what earned him the special treatment._

_"Someone's going to be missed," his doctor commented with a smirk as he watched him stuff the last of his things into the bag._

_"Has he gone yet?" Another nurse called out on cue, the one who usually poked him with the evil needles. "Oh thank goodness, I thought I'd missed you!" she exclaimed, rushing over to him and only stopping herself from touching him at the last second, knowing how much he disliked it. Instead she just gave him a beaming smile. "It's not going to be the same without you mister," she commented, eyeing up his bags. "Make sure you continue to eat plenty, you need to put on at least another stone," she pestered, just like she was his mum or something. It was kind of nice. He almost smiled._

_After fussing over him a bit longer, she let him be. "Hey Josh," Karen appeared a few minutes later. "I've got a bit of a break so I'll take you to your friends," she told him when he looked up in surprise. Taking the heavier of the two bags for him, she held open the door. He went to move forward but paused at the last second, turning his head to observe the tiny white room one last time. Nope, he thought, not gonna miss this place one little bit._

_Walking side by side down the hospital hallway, Karen attempted to make conversation. "I'm sure you're excited to be leaving," she said. He didn't give her any form of answer, keeping his eyes glued to the floor; not that it phased her, as she continued: "It's a bit scary though, isn't it?" Still he had no reply except for in his head, and that reply was hesitantly agreeing with her. The biggest and most daunting question that kept creeping up was: what next? He fucking hated that question._

_Another corner turned and then he heard the voices of his friends echoing down the corridor, loud and excited, JJ's voice above all of them yelling at nothing in particular. Before they were spotted, Karen added: "You ever need anything you know how to contact me."_

_He still had no reply, but he appreciated it, he really did. Then there was no time for any more talking when he was spotted by a wild Ethan, who practically started jumping up and down in excitement. "There he is!"_

_"Hey Josh, bet you're glad to be finally getting out of here," Tobi said quietly with a small smile. It was nice, how calm he was. It almost made him feel calm too and he answered with the slightest of nods, but by the way Tobi's eyes lit up he might as well have spoken a full sentence._

_The boys explained that he was going to Simon's house, which he already knew, and he only half listened as they joked around with each other. His hand hurt. He was warned it might start hurting more after he came off the really strong pain meds but he hadn't expected it to start acting up so soon. He hadn't even left the hospital yet for Christ's sake!_

_JJ must have spotted him holding his hand protectively into his side, for he launched forward, eager to assist. "C'mon, I'll take that for you," he insisted lunging for the bag he was carrying. He knew it had been a friendly gesture, he knew JJ would never hurt him on purpose, but the moment he saw the younger boy reaching for him, he flinched away instinctively, hunching his shoulders and lowering his head in submission._

_He felt like the worst person in the world when he saw the hurt in the younger boy's eyes. \he hadn't meant to jump...it had just been a reflex. "Hey, let me take it, okay? No need to be over doing it so soon," Tobi offered a lot more gently and slowly, reaching out to take the weight from his quivering hand._

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, was all he could think as he absentmindedly followed the group down the hallway._

_He'd barely gone two feet when he was stopped in his tracks. "Joshua?" Karen called out to him, and he turned to see her standing with her arms folded, one eyebrow raised, a small smirk on her lips. I'm sorry, he thought again._

_Sheepishly he walked over and she uncrossed her arms, assessing him up and down, probably wondering if she'd made the right decision, before meeting him in the eyes. "I wish you the very best," she said sincerely, nodding towards the other lads. "You've got some amazing friends here, who I know are going to take care of you."_

_Josh looked back too, catching the others grinning like fools at the words of praise. He looked back to Karen, who was regarding him in the way she always did, kind and non-judgemental. For a brief second he almost welled up with the sudden realisation that he was no longer going to see this woman. This woman, who'd lead the sessions he hated and despised, this woman who wouldn't take his silence for an answer, this woman who was the only person who didn't look at him like had had some sort of disease or was made of porcelain..._

_He had to increase his efforts in keeping his eyes dry when he spotted the sadness in her own eyes and the quiver in her lips when she pulled them into a smile, holding her arms out. "May I?" she asked softly._

_He may have put on a blank expression, a cold personality, but that didn't mean his heart had turned to stone, and there was no way he was going to leave this woman upset. And so of course he hugged her; not just allowed her to hug him, but hugged her back properly. He couldn't see his friends faces but knew the act would probably surprise and confuse them. Why would he hug this woman when he barely liked them touching him? He wished he could help them understand it wasn't as simple as that...but for now he just couldn't. It sucked, but he couldn't._

_He left feeling good about himself, he'd behaved in a good way, like any normal person would. Unfortunately that couldn't remain the same for long. There was an issue at the main exit which meant they had to go out another way, following a security guard who he managed to act like a complete idiot in front of, leaving him red faced afterwards._

_And then after that incident there came the moment when he had to get in the car. So simple really, just get in the car. What was wrong with getting in a car? A perfectly normal black car...Except the last three times he'd been in a vehicle of any sort they had either been driving him to a hospital, driving him to his new prison or kidnapping him in the first place. Vehicles held some bad memories for him._

_He hesitated about five feet from the car, his feet refusing to take another step forward. He couldn't do it, he didn't know how. He was scared. He wanted Simon, he always made things better...but the blond had walked off around the other side of the car, where he could not see him._

_He was there, he knew Simon was fucking there! But in his current state of panic the only messages that were making it into his brain were what his eyes saw directly in front of him, and Simon was not there!_

_The others, having noticed how worked up he'd got, were trying to help, trying to offer gentle words of encouragement but none of it was getting through. Their faces blurred in front of him and their voices filtered in one ear and out through the other._

_Only after a good deal of panic from all of them did the person he wanted reappear. Simon was looking at him, most likely shocked at the state his friend was in. Idiot, he thought, he probably thinks I'm a complete idiot. Simon's expression did nothing to ease his fears either, as the blond stared at him with a blank expression that could rival his own._

_I don't understand, he thought. Why was he like this? What had happened to his Simon? Could it simply be he just couldn't bare to be around him any more?_

_"C'mon Josh, it's alright, everyone's here, okay?" A soft voice was whispering to him, and he eventually matched the voice to Tobi. His friend did not judge him or ask questions about his outburst. He simply gave him an encouraging smile and lightly put a hand around his arm. "Yeah...c'mon bro," he said. Tobi...behaving just how he always had, gentle and kind, always looking out for others, and he surprised himself as he allowed the boy to pull him towards the car...perhaps he even leaned on him a bit._

_Only a little though._

_..._

"Just a few more minutes lads, a few of the nurses wanted to say their farewell's to him," Josh's doctor explained to the five waiting boys. "We've become quite attached over these past weeks," he explained, chuckling lightly.

Ethan scoffed at the thought. "Trust Josh to get people to like him even when he says nothing," he mumbled, nudging Simon's arm.

"That's probably why they do like him," Vik added in thought. "Other than that shouting incident he's not exactly been a lot of trouble, just been quiet the whole time." He was nervously shifting from foot to foot, obviously anxious about how today would go, but Tobi could tell he was excited more than anything.

They all were though, this was a day they never dared dream of happening, that they'd get their friend back in their lives for good. Sure, he'd been found over three weeks ago, but he'd been in the hospital and it just wasn't right. Now, with Josh coming home with them, they could really start to feel like the old gang they used to be.

At least that's what Tobi kept telling himself. And although he was no mind reader, he guessed that the positive attitudes from the other lads were somewhat forced, when in reality they were shit scared and worried about how much they might fuck up. Simon wasn't even forcing positivity; the blond looked practically despondent as he stood with his head down and shoulders slumped.

It had surprised Tobi when Simon had been the one most reluctant to take on the responsibility of looking after their friend. He assumed the blond would have jumped at the chance, being the one who'd been convinced they'd find him after all those years and all. Yeah...there was definitely something up with Simon and it wasn't just the prolonged shock of finding out how badly Josh had been hurt.

Tobi wished he knew what he could do to help, but that just wasn't his skill-set. All his life he'd been the one people looked out for; Josh always used to warn him that he was too nice for his own good but he always used to protect him. Simon had been the same, increasingly so in the recent years, even when he himself had been spinning out of control and putting himself in danger, Tobi had been one of the last to notice something was seriously wrong. Why? Because Simon had put on a big smile and told him everything was alright, and he had believed him, like some naive infant. In the week before Josh's disappearance, he'd sensed something was up, there had been so many signs; and yet a few words from Josh and a bit of well practiced persuasion had convinced Tobi his friend could handle himself.

 _A right pair of idiots_ , the both of them, he thought, while he watched Simon rub his hands together nervously. But they were kind and loving and loyal idiots, and they were his best friends.  _It's time for me to be the strong one_ , he realised. The two eldest had done more than their fair share of taking care of the others; it was time for the third eldest to step up.  _I've gotta look out for them...and see through their bullshit this time._

His thoughts were interrupted as the tapping of footsteps heading towards them alerted Tobi to the presence of Josh's doctor, Karen. "Okay boys I'm just going to get him," she let them know after asking how they all were. "Before you leave I just wanted to remind each of you that you're welcome to call me any time you like, out of hours, whenever you need to, and his first appointment with Dr Robins is–"

"In five days time at two pm at the Think Action NHS Centre," Vik inserted before she could finish.

Tobi gave him a look, his eager interruption could have been seen as rude, but the woman didn't seem to mind. "Someone's being paying attention," she praised instead with a small smirk, "after my job, are you young man?"

Vik blushed and smiled sheepishly. "If my parents had their way," he admitted.

After a few more brief words to them, Karen walked off to collect their friend, and the boys were left once again in the weird state of excitement and nervousness. "So your parents definitely cool with this?" JJ asked Simon, referring to the fact that Josh would be going to stay at their house, along with the blond, while he recovered.

"As if they wouldn't be," Ethan pointed out before Simon even had a chance to answer, and it was kind of true. Simon's mum and dad were practically Josh's second parents and they probably would have seen it as an offence against them, if their son's best friend hadn't come to stay with them.

Tobi didn't think JJ didn't seem entirely satisfied though, looking like he had something else to say, and Ethan must have picked up on it too as he asked: "You got something to say Jide?"

"No!" the other boy replied quickly, too quickly.

Ethan narrowed his eyes at the suspicious behaviour but let it go. "Alright..." he mumbled, sharing a confused glance with Tobi, before his eyes travelled past him and lit up in delight. "There he is!" he loudly announced, pointing his hand out and bouncing up and down.

Tobi spun so quickly he was dizzy for a couple of seconds, focusing on the sight of his friend walking down the hallway, the doctor right by his side. He looked better, physically he looked a hell of a lot better than he had when he'd initially arrived. He still looked like he might bolt at the slightest scare though and was underweight by quite a bit. "Hey Josh, bet you're glad to be finally getting out of here," Tobi greeted him gently, knowing everything was incredibly overwhelming to his friend.

Josh raised his head and for a while Tobi thought he wasn't going to get any response, but after a long time spent just gazing at Tobi's face he bowed his head in the slightest of nods. It was enough to put a huge grin on Tobi's face however. "So we're going to Simon's house," he reiterated what Josh already knew, "that'll be nice won't it? Getting to live in their mansion for a bit."

"It's not a fucking mansion," Simon said. "You want mansions head to Kensington."

Tobi laughed it off in front of Josh but turned around to send a warning glare to the blond. He didn't like the angry tone in his voice, that's not what they needed at this moment.

"Hey, it's a mansion to us remember," Ethan added.

Josh didn't have any comment or reaction to their miniature argument, having returned his gaze to the floor, but Tobi knew that definitely didn't mean he wasn't listening. Something else that Tobi had just spotted might have been bothering him more though, something JJ apparently noticed too as he bounded forward eagerly to help him with his stuff, while the boy held his injured hand into his side, like it was causing him pain.

"C'mon, I'll take that for you," he said enthusiastically, reaching for the bag.

His intentions were entirely friendly and harmless but they way Josh flinched violently away from his hand and hunched in on himself, quivering slightly in quiet fright, shocked all the other lads into freezing in their actions and talking.

Tobi gulped back the lump in his throat and blinked the away dampness in his eyes. Instinctively wanting to comfort him but unsure if that was the right thing to do, he met Karen's gaze. She gave him the nod of encouragement that he needed. Stepping forward slowly and keeping his voice soft and calm, he held his hand out. "Hey, let me take it, okay?" he suggested. "No need to be over doing it so soon," he said, slowly reaching out and taking the bag from Josh's hand.

There was a collective sigh of relief as their friend allowed Tobi to take it from him with no other agitations. "Right," Ethan proclaimed, doing his best to bring the energy back up again. "Let's get out of here lads!"

He lead the group as they started off down the corridor but they barely got a few steps before an expectant voice was calling to them, or one of them in particular. "Joshua?" Tobi immediately felt guilty that they'd all began to walk off without a second thought for the woman who'd made this all possible.

Josh even looked guilty as he wandered back over to the doctor, who regarded him with her arms folded. The words she spoke to him were quiet in volume but Tobi and the lads caught "amazing friends" thrown in there, and grinned widely when Josh turned back for a moment.

Then Karen spoke even quieter so that they could no longer hear what was being said. However after a small amount of time, Tobi saw Josh give one of his tiny nods, and to his immense surprise, his friend was not only allowing the woman to hug him, but returning the gesture, albeit hesitantly.

 _What do we have to do to gain enough trust?_  Tobi wasn't quite sure yet, but whatever it was he was going to do his utmost to achieve it.

"Okay?" Ethan checked with everybody, giving a grateful nod towards Karen once she'd said her final farewells. With no objections, he spun back around towards the exit. "Leggo!"

He walked with Simon and JJ, who was still a bit upset about scaring Josh earlier, while Tobi walked alongside Josh, glancing to him every few seconds to check he didn't look in any more pain.

As they were nearing the main exit, Vik, who was slightly ahead of them, abruptly turned around, his eyes wide in panic. "Shit...uh, guys?" he squeaked out, biting his lip.

"What Vik?" Tobi queried.

"There's uh...there's kinda a lot of people out here."

Telling the others to wait with Josh, Tobi followed the younger boy to the main doors, peeping his head around the corner to look through the glass. Waiting just outside the main hospital gates, there was a fairly large crowd of people, or press to be more precise. "How the fuck do they find out?" he exasperated. Josh's reappearance may have been big news to their fans and a lot of the general public but none of the five had revealed the guy was being let out today.

 _Great, this is all we need_ , Tobi panicked, knowing full well Josh would not take well to being crowded by buzzing journalists. Maybe they could somehow park the car right by the doors? No...it was for ambulances only.

"'Scuse me," a voice behind him spoke up, "are you the YouTuber guys?"

Tobi took in the broad man dressed in his security uniform and decided it was safe to answer. "Yeah."

The man gave him a nod and a grin. "Follow me, back exit," he explained with a wink, "can't be having those vultures getting to ya."

The young man felt a huge surge of relief. At least that was one problem that had been sorted out for them. "Thanks mate."  _And fuck whoever told those lot about today._

They all trailed after the hospital security man and thanked him again once he lead them an alternative way to the car park, one free from prying eyes.

"Not a problem gents, just doing my job," he said with a wave of his hand. He reached out to pat the arms of the two boys stood either side of him, of which happened to be JJ and Josh. JJ took the good natured and friendly gesture like it was nothing, and it really was, but not if you'd been abused for six years.

The moment the hand came in contact with his shoulder Josh leapt about a foot in the air and darted away, his eyes narrowed in a defensive glare at the man he had known less than five minutes. _At least he looks more angry than scared now_ , Tobi tried to offer some comfort to himself, but it was pointless. The fact was that his friend immediately thought he would be harmed if anyone even came close to touching him.

Unaware of all that Josh had been through, the security guard frowned and looked to the others, jerking his head to towards their friend. "What's his problem then?"

"Rough couple of weeks," Tobi quickly replied before Ethan saw red and said something he would probably later regret and thankfully, the man just shrugged and left them to sort themselves out. 

"Josh?" Tobi called to him as his friend glared at the concrete floor, cheeks slightly reddened. "Let's go bro," he encouraged.

Looking up abruptly, Josh took four steps towards the car before coming to a halt. Tobi called to him again but there was no moving him. It was like the boy's legs had decided to stop walking, although his eyes were unblinking, staring at the car...

_Shit, is he worried about getting in that?_

Josh was shaking now, nothing too bad at the moment but Tobi knew if he didn't do something they could turn violent.

"What's the matter?" Ethan asked worriedly, coming to stand next to Tobi.

 _What is the matter?_  Tobi wracked his brains, hoping for an answer. He looked to Ethan to see if he had any ideas, and then to JJ and Vik and...wait, where was Simon? Like the perfect lightbulb moment, Tobi hurriedly turned to Ethan, "Ethan, go and get Simon," he ordered.

"Oi Simon, get your arse back out here," was the younger boy's simple but effective method of getting the blond to get out of the car he had disappeared from view into. If Tobi had been hoping that Simon would step up and handle things, he was out of luck. The blond was about as useful as a waxwork figure of himself would have been, simply standing and staring expressionlessly at the scene before him.

 _What is the matter with you Simon?_ Tobi wondered, more concerned than ever about the way he'd been acting. Anyway, priorities, calm one friend down first and deal with the other's lack of emotion later.

"You see?" he comforted, gesturing towards the blond and placing what he hoped was a reassuring hand on Josh's arm. "C'mon Josh, it's alright, everyone's here, okay?"

It took a good minute, one where Tobi was worrying they might have to take Josh back into the hospital just to calm him down, but finally his friend managed to take a shaky step towards the car...and then another, all while Tobi kept a hold of his arm. The guy must have been very shaken up because not once did he try to free himself from Tobi's grip; in fact it was almost like he was leaning into him at times.

"What do you wanna listen to Josh?" JJ asked, once they'd all gotten settled in the large car.

There was no reply, like they had been expecting and Tobi answered for him. "Put on Skepta or something JJ." He was pretty sure Josh had liked it when he'd played some of his songs for him at the hospital.

As Simon wordlessly drove out of the car park and set off on the route that would take them to his family home, Tobi tried to give Josh a bit of space but he couldn't help but keep watch on his friend, as he leant against the car door, head resting on the window, the faint reflection of his face visible in the rain specked glass, eyes flicking side to side occasionally as he took in the buildings and houses. "It must be strange, seeing the city again," Tobi said quietly, noting that a lot of development had occurred since Josh had last been outside.  _Shit, I can't begin to imagine how he must be feeling._

Josh paid him no mind, still blinking dazedly out into the gloomy, wet city. Tobi was certain he was listening though, would have bet money on it. "I'm no mind reader but I imagine you've missed it loads, you practically raised yourself on these streets," he casually commented as they turned down a road filled with chain stores. A memory suddenly jumped up in his mind and he couldn't help the small laugh that escaped him. Leaning to his left so he could speak quietly in Josh's ear, he said: "Remember when we both got chased down this road by that old German lady?" Josh gave no motion to imply he remembered but Tobi didn't need any confirmation; that was a standout part of their childhood! "I went to help her when she dropped her shopping and she started hitting me with her walking stick, telling me she was going to beat the shit out of me!" he reminisced, smirking as he pictured fourteen year old Josh and him charging down the street in hysterics while the old lady hurled abuse at them.

Josh was still not reacting directly to anything he'd said but his eyes, although still facing toward the car window, were no longer focused on outside, but at Tobi in the reflection. Noting the attention he was being given, the young man didn't give up as they turned into another street they used to frequent in their free time. "And here, we used to come to the KFC on this road all the time," he pointed out, "it's gone now but I don't really go to KFC anymore, don't really eat out much at all actually," he murmured, watching as Josh took an active interest in the newer, fancier food places that had set up shop, his head tilting to one side in curiosity at the chain names he had never seen before.

"We'll have to all go out sometime though," Tobi suggested, feeling brave all of a sudden. "Nice meal together somewhere, a bit of normality, how's that sound?"

For a moment it seemed as if he had gone one step too far with the direct question and Tobi sighed lightly as his friend continued to stare out of the window. However, just as Tobi had been about to turn away to talk to Ethan and give Josh the space he obviously wanted, the older boy was turning his head instead, gifting Tobi with a sight he'd missed so much. It was the tiniest of smiles but it was a real one, Tobi knew a real Josh smile when he saw one, the way his eyes would light up with amusement. Before he'd been taken from them, that was the expression that would usually precede a laughing fit but now of course Josh stayed silent afterwards. However that smile...it was like a breath of fresh air for Tobi because it calmed what had been worrying him the most.  _You're still there Josh_ , he thought, smiling fondly as his friend returned to leaning against the window, taking in the sights like a young child might, in awe of how much the city he called home had changed. No matter how broken he may have been, his friend was still there, hidden away.

_And we're going to find him. We have to._


	25. A Problem

_The sun was shining. The birds were singing. And young Simon Minter had dashed away from his mother's hand._

_"Hey Josh!" The blond five year old ran up to his friend, who was sitting on the park bench with his back to him._

_"Hi," came the simple reply as Simon vaulted straight over the wooden seat and sat himself right next to him. His parents had told him not to run off ahead, but as soon as he'd spotted his friend the excitable youngster just couldn't help himself. He'd known Josh for about four months now and he'd never had a better friend in his whole short life. He spent nearly every Saturday with him and when he wasn't, he was usually talking about him to his parents or teachers or friends or much to their annoyance, his two older brothers._

_"What you doing?" he asked in a sing song voice, swinging his legs back and forth over the edge of the seat as the smaller boy continued to stare dead ahead, his hazel eyes focussed on the open space of the park._

_"Watching."_

_Simon gazed across the grassy area, but saw nothing that captured his interest. "Watching what?" he pestered._

_The boy shrugged. "Everything," he simply said, his too large a t-shirt hanging loosely over his small frame._

_"Huh," Simon said, trying to work out what that meant. How could Josh be watching everything? And more importantly, why was he watching everything instead of playing. "Are you okay?" he asked, suddenly having a strong sense that there was something the matter._

_"Yep," Josh replied shortly, nodding his head. "My parents are getting divorced," he added, almost as an afterthought._

_Simon's mouth dropped open in surprise. "Oh...that means they're not married any more, doesn't it?"_

_"Mhmm."_

_"Are you sad?" He didn't look sad. There was a girl in his class at school who's parents had also divorced and she'd cried so much one day that she was allowed to go home. Plus she got a lollipop from the teacher._

_"I dunno. Maybe." Josh looked slightly confused himself as to what he was feeling, shaking his head indecisively. "Maybe not."_

_It was only as he shook his head, that Simon suddenly caught a glimpse of the other side of the boy's face, that had been hidden so far. "What happened to your face?" he asked in shock, referring to the dark purple and yellow bruising around the boy's right eye and cheek, as well as the small, swollen cut just under his eyelid._

_Josh tensed up immediately, turning his head even further away, so all Simon could see was the back of his head. "I tripped and fell down the stairs," he answered tersely._

_"How'd you do that?"_

_"I'm clumsy."_

_"No you're not."_

_"Yes," Josh whispered. "I am."_

_Simon frowned. He knew even at five years old when his friend was lying to him. What he couldn't understand back then was why he would be lying to him. If Simon ever hurt himself he would tell an adult straight away. That was what you were meant to do, so they could put a plaster on it or that special stinging cream or rub it better until the pain went away. Better still, there was a good chance of sweets or chocolate._

_Josh clearly didn't want to talk about it though and Simon was all too willing to let his curiosity go for now. He had something really exciting to tell the other boy anyway. "I have a question for you," he said, nudging his friend's shoulder._

_"Yeah?" Josh turned back slightly, a questioning expression on his face, like he was trying to judge if this would be a good or bad question._

_"Do you want to come round to mine one day, for dinner?" Simon asked hurriedly, a huge smile on his face. It faded quickly however when did not receive an answer straight away and he mistook Josh's silence and unblinking stare for unsureness. "It'll be awesome," he quickly exclaimed, "I've got a massive garden with a trampoline and we can play football with my brothers. And my dad makes really nice pizza and we've got loads of movies to watch and games!"_

_He smiled widely again although his heart was beating in his chest. He was worried Josh was going to turn him down after he'd already planned out what they were going to do. He was worried that maybe the other boy didn't like him as much as he thought. What he did not think of, was that the other boy might have been just as worried as he was._

_Still staring at him with large eyes, Josh finally managed to stutter out, "Y-You want me there?"_

_Simon was taken aback. "Uh..." he hesitated, not quite sure what Josh meant by that._

_"You really want me in...in your home?" the dark haired boy clarified._

_"Yeah...why wouldn't I?" Simon asked in a small voice._

_"And your parents don't mind?" Josh continued. "You won't get in trouble if I come over?" It was weird, he sounded almost like he was nervous for Simon. Why would I get in trouble for having friends around? Simon wondered. Well, maybe when he'd been really naughty but he hadn't, he'd been good at school and home and his parents were going to treat him with a trip to the zoo soon!_

_"No...they're the ones who asked if I wanted a friend around," he assured._

_"We're friends..." Josh said slowly, like he hadn't even considered it before._

_Simon folded his arms defiantly. "Of course we are."_

_"But I'm not even from your ends."_

_"Huh?"_

_"We don't go to the same school. You go to that school you have to pay for."_

_"So? You don't have to just be friends with people from your school." And just as well. Some of the kids in his school were stupid._

_Josh was still silent and in a moment of empathy well beyond his years, Simon got the sense that perhaps this was the first time Josh had ever been invited to a friend's house before. "Here," he said, holding up his tiny hands to turn the other boy's head to face him. "Your hair's longer than mine so we can do this," he explained, brushing Josh's dark hair to one side and flattening it against his right cheek, careful not to press to hard in case he hurt him. It looked like it hurt a lot. Once he'd finished he sat back and admired his work. "There, now you can't see the bruise."_

_Josh paused and brought up his own hand to feel his hair. "I look silly!" he proclaimed._

_"Yeah, you look my Grandad!" Simon giggled; a giggle that turned into a laugh when Josh started laughing too, and then calmed down when the smaller boy was suddenly hugging him._

_"Thank you," he whispered._

_"You're welcome..." Simon replied, pleased he'd been able to help. "What for?" he asked a moment later._

_Letting go, the other boy looked him straight in the eyes. "For being my friend," he said simply._

_Simon smiled again, one corner of his mouth quirking up unto a cheeky dimpled grin. "I'll always be your friend Josh," he vowed._

_"Promise?" Josh asked, pulling a face when the blond spat into his hand and held it out for him to shake. "That's disgusting."_

_"But it's the most bestest of promises! It means it can't never be broken," Simon insisted. He took his promises very seriously._

_Rolling his eyes Josh spat into his own hand and clasped onto Simon's, although the blond could tell he was secretly very happy._

_"Hey!" The cry from his older brother, Johnny, had the two spinning around to see the boy holding the football up to them. "Are you two little runts gonna come and join or what?"_

_..._

"Hey! Have you kids got any plans this evening?" Simon had to hold his phone away from his ear as his brother's voice boomed down the speaker.

"No...plans? Why would we have plans?" He queried. "Our plan is to get Josh settled and make sure he eats and takes his meds and whatever and then he's probably gonna go to bed."

"Aww, I thought we might be celebrating or something," his brother whined.

"Celebrate, what d'you mean? There's nothing to celebrate," Simon huffed. He didn't get why his older brother had phoned him when he'd be arriving at the house in less than half an hour.  _He's just excited I suppose, he didn't get a chance to visit Josh at the hospital._

"Sure there is," his brother told him. "Your best buddy's finally home baby brother, what you've always dreamed of!"

"No big deal needs to made of it though," Simon insisted.

"C'mon–"

"No Johnny!" he interrupted. "Everything should just be normal, no special occasion, no plans, no celebration, just normal," he sighed, pacing up and down the main hallway of his house.

"Alright, alright, have it your way," his brother calmly gave in.

"I will," Simon said shortly, before hanging up. Rude it might have been, but whatever, his older brother would be home soon and could kick his arse about it then. Simon was not looking forward to moving back into his childhood home. Don't get him wrong, he loved his brother very much but living with him had never been his favourite past time. Their relationship was much stronger when they weren't sharing the same bathroom. He could hardly get Johnny to move out though, not when he'd moved back home first for a big paying job in the area.

Walking back into the kitchen the nostalgic smell of his mum's homemade spaghetti bolognese wafted around his nose. In front of the oven stood his mum and Josh, getting the food ready for all of Simon's family plus the extra four lounging about in the living room. They'd all offered to help, Simon was sure, but his mum had probably turned them down for reasons such as not wanting the place burned to the floor.

"Just a pinch of that," his mum was saying to his friend as he sprinkled some basil into the sauce. "Thank you Josh," she said once that was done and he stood to the side, waiting to be given another task. It was almost like things used to be, except six years ago Josh would have been laughing and joking around with his mum instead of silently watching.

"Smells good," he commented, going out of his way not to make eye contact with his friend, like he had been doing ever since that day at the hospital. He thought it made Josh feel more comfortable around him, although he wouldn't actually know for sure when he wasn't studying his face. The moment by the car today was when that theory had first been tested and Simon was still trying to work out what exactly had happened.

All he knew was that Josh had been unwilling to take another step forwards until he'd been in his line of sight.  _Maybe it was only temporary, maybe he's not quite as scared of me as he once was._  He was reluctant to take any risks though, only because he cared so much.

"Mmm," his mum's murmuring brought him back to the room. "I remember the six of you would devour it by the kilo, whole mountains of it," she said, referring to the food. Simon smiled. That much was definitely true, especially after football.

"We were growing boys," JJ shouted from the sofa, "Vik and Ethan still are."

"Is that a fat joke?" Ethan asked, making them laugh.

Chuckling herself, his mum smiled kindly at the silent boy. "I think I'm okay for now Josh," she commented. "How about you go and sit with the other lads in the living room for a bit." At the obvious look of nervousness on his face she quietly suggested: "Or you could go to your room and sort some of your stuff out."

There wasn't much stuff to sort out, but it was a means of escaping for a bit and one that Josh took, nodding quickly and scurrying out of the room with his head bowed. His mum watched him go with sad eyes, pausing in the cooking for a moment until the door unlocked and Simon's brother walked loudly though the door.

After calling out her hello's to her other son, she looked to her youngest, who'd moved to lean against the counter where Josh had previously been. "Are you okay?" she asked, stirring the sauce.

"Yeah," he mumbled, picking at his nails distractedly.

"You know if–"

"Mum. I'm fine."

She sighed, giving him the concerned look he always hated to see. "You've just been a little quiet for the past few weeks," she mentioned. "And I understand everything is still strange and upsetting but you could try and crack a smile once in a while sweetheart." She gestured to the four younger boys watching the TV. "I see your friends don't have any problem in doing so."

"So what?" he interrogated, throwing his hands down by his sides in a gesture of annoyance. "You want me to go round with a forced grin on my face? People are always telling me not to hide my feelings and now you want me to put on a show?"

"No," his mother replied calmly. "Nothing of the sort," she told him patiently, ignoring his tone. "I'm just worrying that you're overthinking things again, like you always do, and that it's causing you a lot of stress." Her concern only made him feel guilty, reminding the young man that she had every reason to worry about him, that it was his past actions that had her fearing for his own actions, and he subconsciously pulled down his jacket sleeves even further. "I can't pretend to understand what you must be going through, but the Simon I know, my son; he's been dreaming of this day for six years. Don't let certain factors take away the joy at having your friend back in your life," she said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Certain factors," he muttered. "You mean the abuse...and the starvation...and the muteness."

She nodded in understanding, smiling slightly after a few seconds. "But like I keep hearing Ethan saying, he's still Josh," she pointed out. "Still the same boy who asked if we were royalty the first time he came to our house."

The comment was so out of the blue that it took him by surprise and he laughed out loud. "I'd forgotten he said that," he reminisced, glancing at her. "You and Dad actually had him going for a while on that one."

"I know," she smirked. "What horrible adults we were."

Simon shook his head, the smile still on his face as he thought back on those days. "Do you remember when Johnny convinced him we were all going to be the King or Queen at some point?" he queried.

His mum laughed. " _Everybody_  in our family gets a turn at being the King and Queen of England," she mimicked the words his older brother had used to tease the little boy at the time.

"Yeah..." Simon murmured, his laughter dying down into a sigh. "The good old days."

"There's still the chance of some more," his mother said. "More than there was three weeks ago."

He was quiet, considering her words carefully. "You're right," he decided eventually.  _This time three weeks ago I didn't even know if he was alive and now he's at my childhood home cooking with my mum._  He smiled at her, the woman who always knew how to make him feel better. "I love you Mum," he said wrapping his long arms around her while she returned to her cooking.

She laughed and turned to kiss him on the cheek. "I love you and I'm proud of you and I know you're going to be just fine," she said softly. "You've seen stuff in the past that I never imagined my little boy would see," she murmured and Simon knew she was probably referring to his time spent volunteering with Anthony. "But you've always come out stronger on the other side and this is going to be exactly the same."

A loud thud from upstairs brought the mother-son moment to an abrupt end, startling everyone present. "What the fuck was that?" JJ called out.

"Language JJ," his mum chastised him.

"Sorry Mrs Minter," JJ apologised, glancing to the ceiling. "But what  _was that?"_

Vik stood up urgently. "Josh went upstairs a while ago," he said, eyes widening in panic. "What if he's hurt?" He had been on his way to the door when there were another series of thuds and the boy in question burst into the room, a petrified expression on his face, breathing rapidly, his whole body shaking.

Darting his eyes around like a nervous animal he took one look at Simon before lunging towards him. At first the blond had thought his friend was actually attacking him or tackling him but then the realisation that the skinny arms were not letting go and the head was not being lifted from his shoulder alerted him to the fact that Josh was...he was... _He's hugging me. He actually came to me. He could've ran to anyone but he came to me._

It was like he'd been reunited with his friend all over again and the moment was so incredibly powerful that it almost rendered him immobile. However the quiet whimpers and the shaking was enough of an incentive to wrap both his arms around Josh, allowing him to cry into his shoulder.

The others were just as confused as he was, and it wasn't until Simon's older brother hurriedly rushed into the room afterwards that they got some answers. "What's going on?" Ethan asked immediately as Johnny stood by, the shock evident on his face.

The older man shook his head. "I only went upstairs to say 'hi' to him. Door was open and he was sitting on the bed with his back to me, guess I must have startled him."

Simon narrowed his eyes at him. "You don't scare him this much by simply saying 'hi' to him," he commented, his voice tight in anger.

"Well maybe I got a bit overexcited, couldn't help myself," Johnny admitted, before putting up his defences. "But I didn't even touch him or nothing, I'm not stupid, you warned me already," he insisted. "He just...he got scared for some reason."

Simon sighed, not lessening his hold on Josh. "If he was scared, why did you decide chasing him around the house was a good idea?" he asked frustratedly. He didn't doubt his brother's honesty but the guy did the dumbest shit sometimes.

"I...I dunno," the man shrugged guiltily, looking at the younger two in sorrow.

"Simon," his mum spoke up, patting him on the back, "take him in there," she motioned towards the living room where the other lads were watching. "Johnny, come and help me with dinner."

His older brother stared some more at the scared boy before nodding and walking over. "I'm sorry buddy," he said quietly as he passed.

With his friend still refusing to remove himself from his body, Simon had no choice but to awkwardly walk over to the couch with Josh attached to him, sitting down in the corner as the others cleared out to make some space.

"Josh?" he tried, rubbing a hand over his friend's shaking arm, frowning at how many bones he could still feel. "Josh, it's alright, you can let go now," he comforted. No luck, the guy was still hugging him like a koala in a tree. Simon let out a short breathy laugh. "Well okay...but give me a little wriggle room at least," he suggested and Josh loosened his grip around him a little, although his head was still buried into his shoulder.

 _Fuck, what on Earth's got him this frightened? He was fine ten minutes ago_. He began to wonder if they'd have to call Karen already but decided to wait and see if he got any worse. At the moment he was still shaking a lot but his breathing wasn't quite as rapid and Simon was pretty sure he'd stopped crying.

"You had us worried for a second there mate," Ethan said, sitting down on the other side of Josh and lightly running a hand through his hair. "Thought you'd hurt yourself and we'd have to take you straight back to A&E." The contact didn't startle Josh for once and he shifted his positioning slightly so that Simon could just about see the corner of one red-rimmed eye.

"Yeah, I know you got loads of cool shit from them, but no need to be rushing back so soon," JJ added, perching himself on the arm rest next to Simon and by now Josh's breathing had slowed down to a reasonable enough pace that it didn't increase Simon's own heart rate. 

Vik then decided to squeeze himself in between Ethan and Josh, keeping his tone light. "Room for a little one Joshy Josh," he said, grinning when the older boy turned to face the latest intruder, his shakes finally coming to a stop.

Simon nodded to each of the lads, relieved they'd managed to handle the situation before it got out of control. He also felt a tiny bit of joy, tamed down because of the circumstances but still there. For if anything could be gained from this incident, it was that Josh wasn't scared of him, at least he wasn't at the moment, and that feeling was a massive weight off his shoulders.  _We need to know what caused this though_ , he thought,  _so we can make sure it doesn't happen again._

Josh was still lying quietly next to him, head still resting on his shoulder and apparently quite content to be squished in between the others, the closest contact he'd had with any of them since they'd been reunited. The TV remained on but none of them were really watching it, they were much more focused on keeping their friend calm and letting him know he was safe. Simon too stared blankly at the screen, not taking in the pictures but counting his friend's every breath instead.

It reminded him of the days when they were really small, and Josh would come over to stay the night; the two of them would curl up under the same duvet on this very sofa, chocolate and crisps on hand, watching kids films until his mum and dad told them it was time for bed. If he closed his eyes for long enough he could imagine that not a day had passed since then, and everything was still okay.

"Simon," a voice whispered to him a while later. "Simon," it hissed again when the blond was slow to respond. He twisted his head to see Tobi - who was sitting in the chair by the window - holding his phone out to him, his mouth set tight. "It might be nothing but take a look at this," he said when Simon looked at him in question.

Taking the phone from the boy's hand and holding it just above Josh's head, Simon squinted to make out what was on the screen. When he put together what Tobi must also have done it was like another punch in the gut. Judging Simon's emotions from his face, Tobi went on: "Hardly twins but you gotta admit there's some similarities there."

There certainly was. And it was almost sickening to think of what might have flashed through Josh's mind earlier. On the phone screen was a picture of the bastard known as Mr Jack Anderson,  _may he rest in hell_ , and what Simon and Tobi had come to realise was something that was probably going to change all their plans.

Because although the guy might have had an extra ten years on him, the overall appearance, eye colour, hair colour, face shape, even the glasses, was remarkably similar to that of Simon's older brother, the very same one who had startled Josh in his excitement earlier.

 _Shit, how is this going to affect things? Is it going to be a big problem?_  It seemed like a call to Karen was definitely going to be needed soon after all.

"Oh Josh," he whispered, placing his chin on top of the dark head. His friend stirred slightly but remained silent. Simon could sense that he was still frightened from earlier, the connection he had with him was stronger than ever. "I'm here, it's okay," he assured. "I'm here," he vowed, smiling as the smaller body curled more into him, his injured left hand gripping onto the bottom of his jacket.

He sighed. Whatever reason Josh had for fearing him before, Simon knew it shouldn't have meant he had to hide himself away from him. It meant that he had to do everything in his power to let his friend know that he would never hurt him and would fucking kill anyone who tried to.


	26. Sketches

_"What do you want for Christmas, Josh?"_

_"Nuffin."_

_Simon sighed. The two eight year olds were sat on the park bench, both dressed up warmly to protect their small bodies from the chilly winter winds. Josh's hat was pulled so far down it was almost over his eyes and Simon's scarf had been wrapped so tightly by his mother that it was almost suffocating him. Squashed up close together though, they were able to keep most of the cold at bay._

_The blond gave his friend a nudge. "C'mon, it's so annoying when people say that. I'm gonna get you something no matter what you say, so it might as well be something you want." Simon wasn't about to give up that easily. He was definitely one of those kids who much preferred giving gifts over receiving them, and the gift for his best friend was quite possibly the most important, even more than the ones for his parents and brothers. "What d'you want?"_

_"Why this year?" his friend asked. "You've never cared before," he murmured._

_"Not true," Simon feigned indignation, "it's just I never had enough money to buy people gifts, so my parents got them."_

_"So you're telling me it wasn't you who picked out those Nemo socks last year?" Josh smirked at Simon's face as he was caught out, before slumping his shoulders. "I can't get you anything, you know that," he pointed out quietly._

_Simon shook his head. "It doesn't matter," he said firmly._

_"No?" Josh queried, raising one eyebrow at him. "It should."_

_Simon sighed, wrapping an arm around his friend's shoulders. "What's wrong with the drawings?" he questioned._

_"They're not worth anything," the smaller boy mumbled._

_"Of course they are. They're awesome and they came from you," the blond proclaimed. "They're all in my room y'know," he said with pride._

_Josh gave him a somewhat wistful look. "Why don't you draw me something then?" he suggested._

_"Because I'm crap at drawing, unless you're happy with stickmen." They both laughed and Simon leaned his head onto Josh's shoulder, looking up at him with pleading blue eyes. "Please," he begged, "I want to give you something special this Christmas."_

_Josh was silent for a bit, long enough for Simon to assume his request was going to be left unanswered, but then the boy murmured something quietly; so quiet that it was only the condensation coming from his mouth opening and closing that assured the blond he had actually spoken. It sounded like Josh had said: "Family," but that only confused Simon more, and he sat up straight with a confused expression._

_"Huh?"_

_Josh didn't repeat what he'd just said but continued to mumble. "That's what Christmas is meant to be about, right?" He gave Simon a sad half smile. "I ain't ever had that. Not at Christmas. Not never."_

_"Not ever," Simon corrected before he could stop himself, lowering his head when Josh glared at him. "Sorry...your mum loves you though Josh, she's family," he pointed out. Josh was always going on about how much the woman had given up for him and how everything she did, she did for him._

_But now Josh's features turned dark, his hazel eyes narrowing. "She doesn't," he replied simply. "She acts like she does, or at least tries to; but she don't even love herself, and until she loves herself she can't nev...ever love me. Not properly."_

_Simon stared at his friend's face, the upset clear. "I don't get it," he started, trailing off when Josh suddenly shrugged him away._

_"No...why should you?" the boy retorted, sending the blond one of his rare angry looks, like he was blaming him for something._

_Simon gulped and immediately stared down at his lap, choosing to pick at the loose threads on his gloves rather than face his friend. He didn't understand what he'd done or said wrong, and he didn't know why Josh had got so upset all of a sudden. He wanted to offer some form of comfort or say something that would make it all better, but he just didn't know how to. Instead he just tried his best to blink back the tears forming in his eyes and keep quiet, wandering if maybe Josh wanted to be left alone._

_It took a while, but eventually Josh was speaking again, his voice neutral. "A book would be cool, on cooking, the easy stuff. It'd be cool if I could cook for my mum when she's not feeling up to it."_

_"Okay...but that's not for you..." Simon stuttered, still nervous about facing his friend; he didn't want to make things worse._

_"Well maybe you should stop giving a shit about me and worry about presents for someone who deserves them!"_

_Simon did look up then, and what he saw was something he would never forget. Angry red tear streaks marked his friend's cheeks, his hazel eyes were blurred from overflowing and his lips were pursed tightly together, quivering. But he did not make a sound. If Simon hadn't been looking at him he wouldn't have known anything was wrong._

_"I love you Josh," he blurted out quickly, pulling his friend into a tight hug, knowing that was the best thing he could say in the situation._

_"I love you too," the boy mumbled into his coat._

_"I'm sorry," Simon also said, referring to nothing in particular but also everything in general._

_After a few more seconds, he felt Josh nod against him. "Yeah," he whispered, "me too."_

_..._

Lying together on Simon's bed, in his old childhood room, was another one of those moments where it felt like no time had passed since they were eight years old. Except now there was considerably less extra space on the bed. Other than that though, the room looked pretty much the same, his old books and toys and games were still in their places along the wall. The desk with the last of his revision notes and the box filled with stuff he'd accumulated other the years from various holidays.

On the wall, high up above Simon's bed, were carefully hand drawn sketches. There was a frog, a greyhound, an alligator, a shark, a pair of lions and a motorbike. The two friends stared up at them silently, both resting their heads on the pillow. "I remember the moment you gave me each one of those perfectly," Simon said, lifting his hand to trace the outlines in the air. "You have no idea how much they meant to me, how special they would make me feel."

Next to him Josh was silent, but his eyes flitted to each drawing and Simon had no doubt he was remembering too. It was the evening now, and the other lads had gone him after eating, agreeing to meet up again tomorrow morning. They still had stuff to discuss, more than they'd originally thought after the "incident" earlier on.

For now though, Simon was just happy to be in the company of his friend, overjoyed that he seemed to be starting to accept physical contact again, even is he was pressed quite tightly against the wall. "I always wished I was as good as you were at drawing...and video games," he continued. "You made everything look so easy and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous at times." He smiled as Josh actually turned to him, a querying look in his eyes. "Not in an angry way," he explained, "more like...I dunno, I just wished I could be on the same level as you."

He chuckled lightly as the older boy's eyes narrowed slightly, letting Simon know exactly what he thought of that sentiment. The blond shifted so his elbow was on the pillow, resting his head in his hand. "But then as I got older, I realised things weren't as simple as I had first thought, and that stuff I was only just beginning to realise were stuff that you'd been dealing with your whole life." He gave Josh's hand a poke, merely grinning when his friend snatched it away and glared. "You always had to make things look easy, to act tougher and stronger than you really were, because that's how you survived. That's all you'd ever known."

Simon didn't know why he was saying this now. It was stuff he'd figured out long before Josh had disappeared but for some reason he was only telling him now. "I know you probably hate this," he said quietly. "I know that despite your silence you're probably screaming inside about how stupid or pathetic or vulnerable you feel, and why can't you just man up and act normal." From the look Josh gave him, Simon knew he'd hit the nail on the head, and continued: "Well I'm telling you to stop," he ordered. "You don't need to be that guy any more Josh."

"Some serious fucked up shit has happened to you and no one expects you to put on an act any more, least of all me," Simon told him. "I know I haven't always been able to understand but I will always do my best," he assured, before apologising. "I'm sorry for how I've acted these past few weeks...I thought somehow that staying away I was protecting you but I feel like I just made things worse." He sighed, pleased that some of what he'd said appeared to have got through to his friend - he'd been staring at him the whole time anyway - but still not fully comfortable with the ground rules. "I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared," he admitted. "But I'm never gonna leave," he vowed, burning his bright blue orbs into Josh's hazel ones.

Only when he received the tiniest of nods was he able to finally even blink, and he settled back down again, returning his head to the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. "Can I ask you a question?" he asked a little later, going straight into it anyway. "Do you honestly feel like having Johnny around will make things harder for you?" He paused and reworded his question. "I don't know what's going to trigger something for you and I guess you don't really know either, but after earlier..." He bit his lip, aware of how awkward he was probably sounding. "Would you prefer if you didn't live in the same place as him, at least for a bit?" he eventually said.

Josh stared at him, then lowered his gaze and shrugged. He didn't know. That was fair enough, but the uncertainty wasn't going to be good enough for Simon. They were definitely going to have to figure something out about that then.

Simon shut his eyes for a bit, simply listening to the sounds of Josh's soft breathing next to him and his own steady heartbeat. "I have one more question," he said, opening his eyes and tilting his head to look at his friend, their faces inches apart. "Will you let me do everything I can to look after you?"

He saw the question as clearly as if it had been spoken and shook his head with a smirk. "Why are you even bothering to ask me that Josh?" he said. "You really want the answer?" At Josh's dumbfounded expression he continued: "Alright then, it's because you're my bestest friend in the whole wide world!" he exclaimed like a little kid, grinning widely. "That good enough for you?" he asked, satisfied when Josh nodded quickly, eyes wide. "Yeah," Simon gave a short nod, "I thought so."

Lying there for another ten minutes, Simon realised neither of them were particularly tired, and lifted the duvet up on his side. "C'mon, get under here," he instructed, taking the Ethan direct approach and holding his phone up. "You need to catch up on your meme knowledge," he said with a warm smile.

And after another few seconds of looking at him like he was crazy, Josh complied, returning the smile.


	27. Being Normal

_Normal. That's a weird concept. Everything is so fucking normal. Simon's house feels like his as much as his own would. Hardwood flooring they used to slide across in their socks, eggshell walls Simon's parents had stuck their "artwork" onto, furniture he had sat on or eaten at or slept in, all still here, all still the same. So very, very normal._

_Josh knew he wasn't normal; knew he'd always been labelled as the weird kid. In the past that had been okay, everybody had been weird. It was their weirdness that had endeared them to one another, they most likely would have drifted apart if they'd been any different. But now he was a different type of 'not normal'. Now he felt like a leech, or a cuckoo in the nest, trying to worm his way back into society with people who'd lived a relatable life, one which others could understand._

_He'd been here for less than a full day and already it had been made painfully clear to him and the others just how fucked up he was. Jumping at the slightest sound, averting eye contact, having to be told what to do like he was a young puppy afraid of punishment, and worst of all, losing control. Of both his body and mind. He felt awful about the way he'd freaked out when he'd seen Johnny, the guilt had been eating at him ever since he'd calmed down enough to take stock of what his brain had been telling him at the time and what was actually happening. He felt stupid too. He'd known Simon's older brother for ages, looked up to him immensely, and yet now, whenever he thought about him he couldn't help but make the tiny resemblance connections. Their face structure...that face...it was just that bit too similar._

_He's dead, he had to keep reminding himself. He's dead, the police shot him. He died at the house I assumed I eventually would. He never had to see him alive again. He thought it would give him some sort of closure, but if there was it was a lot more of an empty feeling than he gave it credit for. Maybe he should have requested to see the corpse, to have them dig him back up. Then again, that probably would have sent warning bells ringing for health professionals that he'd actually gone insane._

_Anyway, he's in his own bed now, or the spare bed, thinking over those thoughts. Simon is still there though. The blond had talked almost non-stop for the past couple of hours, surfing the internet to dredge up anything he deemed as noteworthy to someone who was completely out of the loop._

_It had felt good, listening to his friend talk. Simon had been quiet for so long when Josh had been in the hospital it made the older boy afraid he'd lost his closest friend, but squashed together in Simon's room, for a few brief blissful moments, it was like nothing had changed. Not to mention, the dark provided a cloak that could hide the marks of torture littered across his skin, and he welcomed the stuffy air under the covers; he couldn't remember the last time he'd been so warm._

_He wondered if Simon was warm, with his black hoodie pulled on, sleeves rolled down, but the blond made no attempt to move it. There was still something slightly...off with the other boy, and it wasn't just the shock and awkwardness that Josh knew he had brought with him. No, something else was lurking just under the surface, something he couldn't quite pinpoint. He wished he could bring himself to ask, to pester his friend for the answers he desperately desired, but for now he supposed he got what he was given, and at the moment that appeared to be looking at videos of people chucking ice water over themselves. He would have rolled his eyes at it more if it hadn't all been for charity. Had the world always been this crazy?_

_He should have felt silly himself, bundled up in bed with his friend, his grown adult, male friend but with Simon it had always been different. He'd been close with all the lads growing up but only Simon had been there when things had been too tough at home to return there for the night. The blond had always represented safety; the promise of a full plate of food and a warm bed, where there would be no shouting or fights to wake him up, and a few welcome hours of feeling like he was a normal kid with a normal family._

_It takes him a moment to realise Simon is speaking to him, registering the other boy's lips moving before he hears the words. He blinks, realising he's probably been staring while he's been thinking His hand hurt less than it had earlier, the pain meds had done their job well, but they didn't help with his task of trying to stay awake as long as possible._

_Sleep sounds good in the sense that he was exhausted. You would have thought that after weeks in bed, he would be energised, but the day had taken whatever he had out of him. As ridiculous as it sounded, eating had taken it out of him too. He'd been warned to take it slowly, and not have too big a portions, but it had been fucking delicious. Still, his plate had seemed small in comparison to the mountains of the other lads plates._

_During that meal he was reminded of a girl at school, perhaps in year nine or ten, she'd been a year older than him and had suffered from anorexia, and it had gotten so bad that she'd had to leave for a while. When she'd returned she looked just as skinny, but she'd received the right help. He'd never spoken to her much but now one conversation stuck out in his mind. They'd been in the lunch hall, he'd cleared his own tray and was walking to put it in the bin when he'd spied her, eating alone for now although her friends bags were on the chairs next to her. Lunch had nearly finished and yet she was still there, picking at her food, not forcing it down herself but there had been a look of determination on her gaunt face. He had wandered over, curious as ever, and after a few moments of awkward stares and small talk he'd asked why it was so hard for her to eat even now. The question had shocked her - granted, it hadn't been his most tactile moment - but after a while she responded "you get used to living off nothing after a while, it's kind of like I'm teaching myself how to eat again..."_

_The answer had left him confused at the time, and he'd reacted, he was ashamed to say, like she was the one who was crazy. He'd never said it to her face of course, but walking away he remembered thinking that it sounded very over-dramatic. How could someone just forget how to eat? But now he understood, oh now he understood so, so clearly. He might not have been avoiding food on purpose but he'd been deprived of it just as much. And now, the act of eating, the whole process: in mouth, chew, swallow, as well as all the other stuff; sitting at a table, using cutlery...it felt unnatural, foreign to him, especially after he'd grown used to eating like an animal begging for scraps. It was pretty dumb he reckoned. Shouldn't eating be like riding a bike? It's not something you were supposed to forget. But eating that food, no matter how good it had tasted, had left him feeling incredibly self-conscious. Had the others been staring at him? Could they tell that he was having to work out what to do? Were they judging him?_

_He blinks heavily and the memory fades into the dense fog swirling around inside his head. He's tired, it's the meds, it's the fucking whole thing. He needs to allow his body to shut off for a while before it went into meltdown. Simon's also telling him to go to sleep again, he's clearly not moving. He scoffs inwardly at that, it appeared he'd traded one nurse for another. He didn't know if having the blond there was a help or a hinderance, but to be frank he was too exhausted to care. Simon talks to him some more, using that persuasive tone of his. Josh responds in some way, they have some sort of silent conversations, but he forgets them the moment they happen._

_More blinking and then his eyes shut, permanently this time, leaving him on the brink of unconsciousness. It takes a few more moments before his mind gives in too, surrendering to the darkness sleep would bring. He could only hope it would stay dark, full of nothingness. He prayed that he had tired himself out enough, that his body would shut down completely, not allowing for dreams of any kind; not allowing for his mind to stray into it's deepest subconsciousness._

_Because that was where the danger lurked. That was where he had no control. And right now he wanted to be in control more than ever._

_He didn't want to go back._

_..._

Josh was not cooperating. Simon had thought the evening had been going alright, all things considered, and just the feeling of having his friend by his side again, no matter how quiet and nervous he may have been, made him release tension he didn't even know he'd been holding in his muscles. The shock from earlier was ever so slowly wearing off, although that situation was nowhere near resolved. He'd managed to get Josh to admit that living here may be a problem if his brother was here too, but he'd also got a half agreement out of his friend to let Simon do anything in his power to help him. And to think, he pondered to himself, this time yesterday he found himself nervously avoiding the other boy's gaze with his stupid mindset that Josh hated him or blamed him or was scared of him or some over shit. But that was all over, as if it had never happened at all. They were good, as good as two broken and confused boys could be.

The last few hours had been nice, just chatting away absentmindedly, Simon quietly laughing and Josh letting out the occasional silent smirk. However, now Simon found himself coming up a completely new challenge, making sure Josh went to sleep. He'd ushered his friend into the spare bedroom about half an hour ago and waited while he went through the motions of getting ready for bed. The lights had been off when he'd returned, a glass of water and pain meds in his hand, and he'd been there ever since, sitting in the only chair in the room, quietly waiting. He felt like he was probably being annoying, Josh was an adult after all and here Simon was, acting like his mum used to whenever he or his brothers got sick, but he couldn't help himself. Josh didn't seem to mind - well, he hadn't glared at him or given any indication that he wanted Simon gone - but that didn't mean he was actually going to sleep. No, it meant staring blankly at Simon, eyes glazed over. Well, the blond decided, two could play at that game.

He folded his arms, leaning back in the chair and raised his eyebrows quizzically as Josh continued to watch him. "You know I can always play the staring game better than you can," he teased. He'd always been good at any staring contests played as a kid, it was all in eyelid technique. Josh however was giving him a good run for his money at the moment, although there weren't any no blinking rules in this particular game, he was doing a unnervingly good job at maintaining a solid stare directly at Simon. Perhaps he hadn't been really  _looking_  at him at all, as the older boy blinked heavily and gave a minuscule shake of his head, before glancing up to meet Simon's eyes, appearing to have just noticed him for the first time.

Simon's breath hitched as blue met hazel. Those eyes. Those fucking eyes. Josh always used to tell him that he had lucked out with his own bright blue ones, told him that girls loved them. Well, he'd never really lucked out too much on that front but that probably had more to do with his awkward teenage personality rather than his eye colour. As a much younger kid he'd learnt they had their advantages though, especially if he widened them just the right amount and dipped his head slightly, he could have adults do his bidding. Josh's eyes however, they were more than just a window to peer out of, or tools to use for his own advantage. For as long as Simon could remember, there was a glint ever present, like a flame flickering in the darkness; inquisitive, curious, and not quite tamed. It was a spark grew even brighter when he was feeling any strong surge of emotion, anger or joy, and Simon was pretty sure that Josh didn't even know that it was there, but he knew, he could always spot it.  _My own personal stars_ , he sometimes wondered, before ridiculing himself at how cheesy it sounded. Of course he'd never told him of this, because that's not what friends said to each other. 

Those were the eyes that were still staring at him, the blinks coming more rapidly now, but still refusing to shut. The untamed flames were dull, struggling to stay alight, reaching for fuel that had been long used up. Not long now, he thought. A few more blinks and he'd be out like a light. "Just go to sleep," he encouraged. "I know they make you tired," he said, referring to the pain meds. He wouldn't be surprised if Josh had somehow got it into his head that it would be rude or weak of him to fall asleep before everyone else, it was the sort of dumb imaginings his friend had conjured up in the past, like when he'd broken his finger while they were playing football and hadn't mentioned it until the game was over and they'd won. Although he'd had adrenaline to keep him going then, and a healthy dose of cockiness that came with being a teenaged boy whenever girls were near by.

"I'm not going anywhere Josh," he tried again, smiling gently when he detected the thankfulness in his friend's features. "You're not alone," he reiterated as the other boy shifted slightly in the bed, eyes closing and opening once more before he glanced down to the floor. Simon followed his gaze and noticed the unopened boxes with "Sidemen" plastered along the sides of them, their latest restock, something that had been pushed to one side with everything else going on. They'd have to get on it eventually, it couldn't just sit there for eternity, and packaging everything themselves had always been their caring, if not overly productive way of making sure the orders were of the highest quality. It just meant doing anything took fucking forever.  _We could have definitely done with your business brain to try and make things run smoother_ , he thought, watching as Josh's eyes studied the boxes some more before raising and studying Simon's own sweatshirt.

"Huh?" He subconsciously tugged at his sleeve, making sure his arms were covered, until he realised Josh's eyes had in fact settled on the emblem across his chest. He smirked. "Oh yeah," "we usually wear our own merch. Sidemen clothing if you're interested. I'll get some for you too."

He looked around for a plug to emphasise his little jest but there were none to hand, and anyway, he didn't even know if what he'd just said had registered with his exhausted friend, and he watched as the hazel eyes slowly lowered before rapidly snapping open again. It was almost as if Josh was ...scared? Forcing himself not to fall asleep. Actually, Simon imagined that was exactly what his friend was doing. He could recall many a night himself, where he'd lain awake for an eternity, staring into nothingness, willing his eyes to stay open so he wouldn't fall into the realm where he was no longer in control. There was a time when the nights would terrify him, the pure unknowingness sending him into a comatose state until exhaustion won over.  _And I'm not even the one who's been held captive and abused for six years_ , he winced at the thought, just going over the words in his head made him shudder.

He held his breath when Josh's eyes shut for a longer period, releasing it as they just about managed to open again. "You're here too," he added quietly, "nothing's going to happen. No matter what might happen when you're sleeping, you're here and you're safe." He hoped the words would have some positive effect, even if it was only small. Silence settled again as he sat vigil, casting his gaze away to the window outside for a few moments. When he looked back he sighed in relief, and stood up, stretching out his own tired limbs.

Taking one step forward, he rested one hand on the dark head of hair, knowing for certain there was no way he'd be waking his friend now. Corner of his mouth tilting slightly upwards, he left his hand there for a few more seconds, gently carding his fingers through the dark locks, enjoying the feeling of being able to touch his friend again, and proving to himself that this was real, that he really was here.  _He's here, he's real, this is all real._

Josh's breathing was slow and steady, and any lingering fear and nervousness had departed. He looked calm. Simon sincerely hoped he remained that way throughout the night.

As he left the room somewhat reluctantly, he heard the sound of the front door clicking shut and assumed it was the last of the others leaving. Ethan had popped up a while ago to check on them but other than that he had neither seen or heard from them since dinner. He didn't blame them, it wasn't for lack of caring, they were all just a bit unsure if crowding was what Josh needed right now, as much as they undoubtedly wanted to give him constant attention it might have served to stress rather than soothe any anxiety.

Heading downstairs he found most of the lights to be off, except for one underneath a smaller room his family usually convened in most nights. Other than that it was quiet.  _A calm before the storm_. "He asleep?" a familiar voice asked out of nowhere, startling him, and he looked up to see JJ leaning against a doorframe behind him, arms crossed over his chest, watching Simon closely. It appeared not everyone had left just yet, although why JJ had been sitting in the dark - Simon had heard no light switch from the dark room the other boy had just exited - he was clueless to.

He was surprised to suddenly find himself not alone, nevertheless, Simon gave him a sleepy half smile, running a hand down his face. "Yeah, eventually, could tell he didn't want to," he admitted.

The younger boy snorted, "Reminds me of someone," he muttered, running a hand over his own wild head of hair, bringing it down to rub at his eyes as he let out a large yawn. It seemed the day had taken a toll on everyone.

"Not all of us have the ability to fall asleep before our heads touch the pillow," Simon shot back, but the humour was there, it seemed to have returned along with the relief of knowing him and Josh were...well, they were still  _good_. And joking with JJ felt good then, like it was the first time in ages that he could crack a smile without feeling guilty about it.

"Heh, yeah..." JJ murmured, not really having the energy to banter back and forth like they usually would, but he seemed pleased that Simon was actually reacting like this for once. He could tell his friend was distracted though, and it wasn't just the tiredness causing it, he was clearly preoccupied over something else, and Simon didn't need two guesses to work out what that something was. "Earlier was scary weren't it?" JJ asked the question at the same time the blond tried to think of a way approach the subject.

He let out a small smile - he never did have to worry about things being left unsaid with JJ - and then nodded his head once. "Yeah, it was." It had been.

"You looked like you knew what you were doing," JJ mentioned, in a curious tone Simon couldn't quite identify.

Simon shrugged. "He didn't really give me much of a choice." It was true, the way Josh had immediately latched onto him had hardly given himself any say in the matter; and yet it was also true that at that same moment, the old instincts  _had_  taken over, and that connection he'd been so fearful about losing, grew stronger that ever. 

"Yeah..." JJ said slowly, considering Simon's simple answer, "well we knew that would never change." Again with the cryptic answer, this type of ambiguity was very unlike him and it had the blond narrowing his eyes in curiosity.

"What would?"

But JJ merely waved him off. "Never mind," he instructed, ignoring the suspicious look Simon was giving him and forcing a smile, before immediately loosing his confidence in it and dropping it again, raising his hands to pick at the already short nails. He had questions on his mind, questions he obviously hoped his friend would be able to provide answers to. "So...is anything...y'know," he started hesitantly, "gonna happen?"

Simon knew what, or rather who, he was on about. "You mean do we have to worry about it?" he queried and JJ nodded. "I asked him earlier," Simon told him, voice heavy, "he said he wasn't sure...and if I'm being honest I'm not sure either how satisfied I am with that answer." He let out a loud sigh, his shoulders sagging up and down with the inhale and exhale of air. It was all quite a big, fucking complicated mess.

JJ looked like he agreed with that sentiment, face tight with thought and mouth firmly shut. It was a bit unnerving, the stillness he had about him. JJ had always been exuberant and full of life and energy, wearing his heart on his sleeve, but for once he wasn't as easy as a book cover to read, wasn't someone Simon could instantly see through. "Listen," JJ spoke up, not with a commanding tone but one which naturally drew all of Simon's attention as he continued, "the first day we went to visit him in the hospital, when I was late..." He averted his gaze, biting at his lower lip. "I wasn't just late because I was...well, being me or whatever."

"Go on," Simon encouraged at his hesitance, walking towards JJ.

"I dunno," JJ quickly added, suddenly embarrassed. "I don't really know what came over me at the time but I...I just kinda did it." He stopped there, and Simon stopped too, standing just a foot away from him now, leaning against the wall, raising his eyebrows in amusement, expectantly.

"You're gonna have to give me more than that bro."

"I bought a house," JJ blurted out so rapidly it was like Simon had been torturing him for the information. "Like, out of the city, near the coast, I mean not bought it exactly but I sorted out a deal with my buddy who owns the place...it's nice," he rambled on, now the first part was out he hurried to explain the rest in triple the speed. "Got, like, eight bedrooms and a pool and it's out of the way from everything but it's not too long of a drive to get back."

Simon was left stunned. "Why?" was the only word he managed to vocalise and even that came out pathetically small.

JJ was still avoiding his gaze, as he had been the whole conversation, but Simon's gentle hand on his shoulder had him relaxing a little. "I'm trying to make it right," he replied, voice practically a whisper, head lowered. "That night," he went on, "that fucking awful night." He paused for a second and when he lifted his head again, Simon was taken aback to see his dark eyes glistening. "It was me Si, I was the one who sent him out there and it's...it's just something that I felt I needed to do. Like a kinda back up, if for some reason this set up didn't work, that he'd have somewhere else to go, somewhere away from the city." His voice was nearly breaking at the end. It would have been funny if what he was saying wasn't so heartbreaking. "We always said how he had a great memory," JJ murmured, "and I thought maybe being back here, in the places he grew up, might fuck him up."

It took longer than it probably should have for Simon to figure exactly what JJ had meant when he'd said that he was the one who sent Josh out there, but then again, all of them had very different accounts of what had gone on that night and the following morning, and then the following six years. Simon had come to realise that what he'd felt and experienced was not what the others had; that his truth was not necessarily there's. They'd shared these feelings with each other on the rare occasion, usually with alcohol involved, but he'd yet to hear JJ speak of this and he felt a pang in his chest at the vulnerability of it all.

He felt pride now, watching as JJ's eyes darted about, attempting to read Simon's face for any glimmer of judgement or ridicule he might find there. Of course there was none. How could there be? For all his faults, JJ truly was a really nice guy, he did and said very silly stuff, he was aware of that as much as anyone, but he wasn't the crazed, fame hungry maniac some people made him out to be. Looking at him now, Simon was reminded of a very different JJ, back when they were starting big boy school. but fundamentally he hadn't changed much since then. Had any of them really?

"You thought all that?" he questioned.

"Well I wasn't really thinking at all at the time," JJ sheepishly admitted, "everything was a bit scrambled that day."  _Yeah, you can say that again._  "Was it a dumb thing to do?" he asked and Simon knew his response was going to affect the younger man a hell of a lot, either way.

"JJ," he paused, before a large grin broke out on his face. "You're an absolute fucking legend." He could hardly believe it. Out of the blue, a life line had been thrown to him, and of all the people throwing it, it had been JJ! He could understand his friend's reluctance to inform him of his little property deal, but to be honest, the whole thing had sounded like music to his ears. A rash decision it may be, but he'd never shied away from those in his life, and now was hardly the time to start. The last major decision he'd made on a whim had been volunteering in Africa, and that had been one of the best decisions of his life, no matter what he'd seen or experienced there, he wouldn't trade it. Feeling wide awake now with excitement he couldn't restrain himself from bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, all while JJ stared at him like he'd just sprouted an extra head. Laughing, Simon slapped his hands down on JJ's shoulders, giving them a tight squeeze. "You might have just given us a quick out," he said.

"I..."

JJ barely had time to register anything before Simon was off again. "Can you send me the details about this place later?"

"Sure, but Si–"

"Go home JJ," the blond said, turning around. "I'll call you and the lads on Skype tomorrow morning. Alright?"

JJ gifted him with an expression of utter confusion but eventually he threw up his hands in defeat. "Fine!" he exclaimed, but he looked relieved and in vastly better spirits than earlier, a cheeky spark returning to his demeanour and thus returning him to the JJ that Simon knew and loved.

He was heading back up the stairs as JJ walked down the hallway to leave, but he turned, one more thing nagging in his mind. "Oh and JJ?" he called out, calming himself down as he met the other boy's gaze. "It wasn't you fault. There was a lot of things we all could have done differently that night, maybe it would have changed things, maybe it wouldn't, but you weren't the one who took him from us," he said sincerely. "I know I'm hardly one to lecture you on it, but don't let that night eat up at you, don't waste the time we've got now on...on some sort of long kept guilt. It's not worth it."

JJ was quiet, but Simon could see him nod in the dim light. He smiled again. "Night bro," turning and letting his friend show himself out, eager to get to his room. Sleep would probably be a very good idea right now, but a fresh surge of adrenaline and determination had been released into his bloodstream and he knew even if he laid in his bed, he wouldn't be able to settle. So instead of jumping into bed he jumped into his computer chair and flicked the monitor on. He would have to wait a bit before JJ sent him what he needed but there were other useful things he could be doing to assist with the process.

It was exciting, the kind of excitement that left him practically quivering in his seat. It was an excitement of having a plan, a plan that would hopefully benefit them all. And so for the first time in years, the young blond spent his evening not by worrying about his friends and their future, of things he wished he'd done or could change, or with dark thoughts rendering himself. Tonight, tonight was the time to set things into action.


	28. The Blame Game

_He woke up alone in a cold room._

_He regained consciousness slowly and in stages, and the first thing he noticed was that he felt sick, a churning nausea deep inside his stomach, a fuzzing dizziness at the back of his head and the sensation of something dry and sticky coating his forehead and cheek. For a while he was groggy, drifting in and out of it, not quite aware of his reality, but presently he became aware he was lying on a hard surface, something cold and rough against one cheek. His arms hurt._

_Slowly he forced his eyes open and then, as the sudden realisation of where he was and who he was with came flooding back to him, a jolt of panic ripped through him, snapping him awake._

_'Oh God. Oh fuck. Fucking hell. I'm in so much shit. I'm in so much shit.'_

_He tried to sit up only to nearly overbalance as he realised his hands were still tied tightly behind his back. With a bit of manoeuvring he got himself upright and stared frantically around. His head pounded as his eyes darted about, reminding him also of the head wound he had sustained earlier._

_How many days had it been now? The last thing he remember was having his blindfold ripped off him and coming face to face with his captor. He shuddered at the thought of Mr Anderson's face leering down at him, cold and emotionless before breaking out into a sickening smile. "It's alright now Josh," he'd told him. "We can be together now." Those horrifying words had him lurching, his vision darkening in the corners until everything was black again._

_Now looking around he could see he was in a basement of some sort. Empty apart from the chains binding his hands and a dusty old bucket in the corner. Aside from that there was nothing, just a concrete floor and crumbling brick walls. A single naked light swinging slightly on a few exposed wires and flickering now and then, as if was threatening to blow out any second. The motion of the light was only making him feel even more nauseous._

_Fuck. He was already breathing too fast, could feel his heart rate picking up and 'fuck, fuck okay I have no idea where I am-'_

_Panic rose up but he squashed it down. 'Come on, come on, idiot - calm down - just breathe' - it took him a few moments, closing his eyes and forcing himself to take deep breaths, holding them a few seconds before letting them out. He'd been doing well for a long time now and he kept that at the forefront of his mind. 'You're okay. You're not too badly injured. Work this out.'_

_How could he have been stupid enough to let himself be taken like this? This last thing he remembered before, was walking through the park. That must have been where Mr Anderson had jumped him, a sudden and firm grip on his arm and then a sharp pain, the blood on the side of his head enough of a clue to tell him why everything was blank after that. Shit, the fucker must've followed him from Simon's house. Surely it couldn't have been purely by chance?_

_He still felt vaguely sick and there was an artificial grogginess clouding his mind. More than anything he was in shock. Sure, he'd known his geography teacher was not a good man, for fuck's sake he'd played on that, but he thought, for all the numerous ways that guy was clearly messed up, that he was harmless. He thought he'd had everything in control. But now look where it had got him. Stuck in some basement, in some strange place with no idea of how to get out or if anyone was coming for him._

_'And I've got no one to blame but myself. I made this mess. This is all my fault.'_

_The fear hit then, cold and unpleasant in his gut, but he kept himself calm, shuffling back against the wall and pulling his knees up so he could sit more comfortably. And as sick as it sounded he felt a glimmer of relief. Thank God it had been him and not one of the other lads. Thank God he hadn't got them mixed up in this as well._

_He wasn't stupid, he knew that when it came down to it he was the most equipped one out of his close friend group to be able to deal with something like this. Sure, Tobi had just as much street smarts and Vik had one of the most agile minds he'd ever seen in a kid his age and Simon's natural instincts were second to none. But as far as he knew none of them had ever escaped from anywhere before. None of them had ever had to deal with a desperate situation involving a clear enemy. This was by far worse than any of his prior experiences, but they were experiences all the same._

_He should never have been caught in the first place. He thought he was more careful than this. He had been, hadn't he? It hadn't been enough, it seemed, Mr Anderson had nabbed him anyway but-_

_'I need to get out.'_

_The panic of being kidnapped wasn't a strong as it had been because he'd be out soon, he had to be. The lads would have realised he'd gone missing and surely Mr Anderson couldn't have covered his tracks that well. Someone would turn up soon. Either that or he'd get himself out before then._

_The thought made him smile, just a little, that reassurance that he wouldn't be here long. It made it easier for him to take deep breaths and steel himself, stay strong as he waited for someone to come and racked his brains for a quicker way out._

_A noise at the door made him startle a little, and he couldn't help but tense as he heard bolts sliding before it slowly began to open._

_The man emerged, nothing special about him - the only change being his attire shifting from work shirt and tie to shirt and jacket, and his hard set face. He strode over to him silently and grabbed him by the arms, yanking him roughly to his feet._

_"Ow. Okay. I can stand on my own," he began - affecting bravado even if he could feel his heart rate picking up again - he ignored him, pushing him against the wall, the bindings on his wrists tightening painfully as they pinched against his skin._

_The taller man studied him for a second before letting go and stepping back, taking his whole form in. "You feeling okay? Want some water?" he asked after a moment._

_"Ummm," was all Josh could manage, rather confused. Mr Anderson nodded to himself and left the room, returning a minute later with a mug filled with water._

_The fact that he'd heard it coming right from the tap meant it probably wasn't drugged, and he was feeling dehydrated enough to drink it, rather awkwardly sipping from the cup as the guy held it to his face. In the meantime the man lit a cigarette._

_The water cleared a little of the fog from his head and when his captor stepped towards him he had the presence of mind to glare up at him, though he kept his mouth shut - unsure what exactly the man wanted, he didn't want to say anything just in case._

_Mr Anderson just stared down at him, head tilted, before giving a small sigh, smoke puffing from the corner of his mouth._

_"You need to be more careful who you trust."_

_Josh stared up at him, confused, and the man tutted again._

_"You thought you were so clever. You thought you were the one in control. Well guess what," the man leaned in close, the stench of smoke making the younger man's nausea rise again, "you are nothing. You are nothing but a stain upon this Earth and there is nothing that you can do or say that will change that."_

_The man stood up again, the obviousness smugness playing on his lips. "You tried to play on my weak spot and now you're going to pay. I don't take kindly to bullies. A life time of service should do it - I'm sure you won't be missed too much, it's not like your kind would contribute anything meaningful to society anyway."_

_Josh tried to speak. He wanted to shout, to reason, to plead with the man he thought he'd been able to read, but now he was realising one thing. 'He's fucking insane.'_

_"Fuck. You."_

_The man smiled again. "Oh quite the contrary," he grunted, and then in Josh's moment of confusion kicked him hard in the stomach._

_He doubled over, retching soundlessly for a moment as the wind was knocked out of him. It hurt like fuck, the guy was wearing heavy boots and he hadn't been holding back. He'd gotten him right in the abdomen and he fell into a gagging fit. When he looked up, eyes streaming, face twisting in pain, the man studied carefully, his eyes lighting up in the process._

_"Thanks," he said flatly, then turned and walked back out. Josh was still gasping, trying to recover, but then moments after the door slammed shut the single light in the basement flickered and died, plunging him into complete blackness._

_"Wait!" he shouted after the man, suddenly terrified, but he could already hear the click of the locks and bolts. He was left stranded in the darkness, braced against the floor still choking for breath._

_'Oh God, oh God, oh God.'_

_It shouldn't have freaked him out as much as it did, but there was something about the complete lack of light that had him suddenly feeling sick. He felt like he was falling, like he was surrounded by emptiness and only certain of the small patch of concrete he could feel under him. Rationally he knew the rest of the room was still there, solid floor under him, but he couldn't quite convince himself of that fact._

_It was hard with his hands tied, but he managed to get himself upright and then crawl back painfully slowly until his back hit the wall. That solid material was a relief and he heaved deep breaths, pressing all his weight against it. His stomach hurt._

_'You're okay, you're okay, you're okay,' he thought, 'don't be such a fucking pussy. You're not scared of the dark.'_

_Except he was, sort of. The dark was deeply ingrained into the nightmares that had plagued him for so many years, distorted versions of his memories. All the times his dad had locked him away in his room when he was supposedly acting up. Walking in on his mum having a bad turn in the dead of night. Running through the dingy alleyways with Tobi, having inadvertently gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd._

_Bad memories, ones that he always tried his hardest to get over but never seemed to be able to. He could barely the remember the last time he'd slept through a whole night. Or when he didn't feel the constant need to be on edge at all times._

_"Josh."_

_He was going to go crazy in here, talking to himself. But being here in the dark, captured and in pain and alone, triggered everything he kept locked up, made it all too easy to slide into despair and before he knew it he was breathing too-fast too-fast too-fast again and he couldn't stop, no matter how much he tried, and pressure was rising up in his throat like he was choking and his chest hurt and-_

_"Josh."_

_The voice in his head was calm but there was nothing he could do to slow his thudding heart. He still felt sick from the blow to the head, and when he coughed to clear his throat he started retching, again and again, so much that he could barely catch his breath between them. He began to feel terribly lightheaded and before he knew it he had blacked out._

_"Josh!"_

_And then suddenly he was opening his eyes. And the darkness was replaced with light._

_..._

Even when Simon had managed to fall asleep, it was painfully light and disturbed by the faintest sound. He woke up as soon as he heard his dad go into the bathroom to take a shower before work - he was starting extremely early that day - and again when his brother got up to take a piss. And then, of course, there was Josh – Josh, who was in the guest bedroom next to his and who he could hear sporadically tossing and turning, thrashing about and moaning – and, a couple of times, he was sure his friend had woken up completely and sat upright in bed, almost gasping for breath, obviously plagued by night terrors.

When dawn finally crept around, he sat up, rubbed at his eyes and padded to the room next door, poking his head into the room. Josh had fallen back asleep, slumped half-out of his duvet with his head resting on his arm. Simon moved quietly so as not to wake him up, heading to the bathroom to take a shower himself.

He headed downstairs after because by now his dog would've heard several footsteps and would start barking unless food was provided soon. It was habitual by now to never assume that no matter how normal something may be for him, it might cause unnecessary stress for his friend. Plus the incessant whining and barking was extremely annoying for everyone still in bed.

It took him about ten minutes, but it was still quiet upstairs when he headed back up. His heart lurched when he realised Josh was no longer sleeping soundly, and had instead returned to thrashing about, a thin sheen of sweat covering his forehead and his eyes twitching rapidly under the pale lids.

"Josh," he said, crouching down beside the bed. "Josh," he tried again as he continued to moan. "Josh!" he said louder this time, reaching out to shake his shoulder. The reaction was instantaneous. Simon was slightly taken aback when the pair of hazel eyes opened so suddenly it was as if they were being mechanically operated. Josh sat up abruptly in his bed, chest heaving, gaze unfocused.

And that's when he saw the scars.

Long, roping scars that criss-crossed Josh's back and chest with a methodical precision that made Simon's stomach drop. These were the sort of wounds intended to hurt, not kill. He'd known they were there. He'd seen some of them, but mostly they'd been covered up before, at the hospital. Now though...

Josh was staring at him, eyes wide as a deer in the headlights. He made to pull his shirt back on from the chair next to the bed but Simon leaned forward quickly. Still crouched next to him he grabbed his wrist, tugging his arm away from his body to get a better look.

Some had faded, perhaps some had gone before he could know they ever existed. But there were others, though they were healed enough that he couldn't tell what had made them, these wounds were nowhere near fading. They weren't years old, they were months old. He heard Josh swallow, audibly.

"What the fuck did he to you?" Simon asked, low and angry, the words slipping out almost without him willing them to. "What happened?"

Josh pulled feebly at his wrist, but Simon gripped tighter, refusing to let go. And he'd seen scars – fuck, he'd given himself many of his own – so why couldn't he look away?

Josh swallowed again. He was still breathing too fast, Simon noticed absently.

 _Please, don't ask, not now_ , his eyes were begging.

And that pleading look was what made Simon freeze.

Because he didn't have the right to know – he didn't – _I let him down before, I did absolutely nothing – I don't deserve to know anything,_  and Josh was right not to tell him – Simon would be no help, he couldn't help in the way a professional could – all he could do was try and make things as easy as possible, and this clearly wasn't achieving that.

His moments pause was all Josh needed to pull away, to tug his shirt on over his head and practically flee from the room, tripping over his own feet on the way out.

Simon let him go. He remained kneeling where he was, thoughts whirling. He felt sick, and uneasy, and it wasn't just from what he'd seen – it was from what it had made him feel.

He didn't move from his spot until he heard Josh making his way downstairs and his dog's excited barks at having a morning companion. He sighed. This hadn't been the way he wanted to start the day, especially when the plan was to have so much ahead of them.

Between them, they'd managed to sort out quite a bit last night. Him and Josh, along with JJ and Vik were going to drive to the house that day. It would take them about an hour and a half if they wanted to avoid the busiest roads. They would scope out the place and figure out if it could work. If they decided they were going to give it a go, the others were going to drive there too the next with a hire van filled with all the stuff they needed for their individual setups.

Step one of that plan though, was to explain it to Josh.

His friend was sat at the table when he headed downstairs, chewing on a bowl of cereal while scratching absentmindedly at the canine's drooling head in his lap. His panic from earlier seemed to have vanished astonishingly quickly but he lowered his eyes as Simon entered.

"Sorry," Simon apologised straight away, continuing as hazel eyes looked up in confusion. "I shouldn't have pushed. I know it's up to you to tell me."

Josh had no reply, as always, but he gave a small nod. _It's okay._

Simon felt a small weight lift from his shoulders. At least he hadn't just fucked everything up. He didn't breach the subject of the plan for that day immediately, rather choosing to get breakfast for himself first and sitting down opposite his friend.

When he did eventually tell him it was actually a lot easier than he'd envisioned. Maybe it was because Josh didn't really appear to have any opinion on the matter or that Simon and the lads had already decided this was a good course of action to take, but he managed to efficiently explain the plan within five minutes and received another small nod from his quiet friend.

Things actually ran smoothly for once after that was over with. JJ and Vik arrived at Simon's house at the time they'd said. JJ had instantly started pestering Josh to try and gauge what his thoughts were on his idea until Simon snapped at him to calm down and give him a break, as he went inside to let his mum know they were off.

"The fuck's his problem?" he heard JJ say loudly from outside.

"Leave it," Vik replied shortly. "He probably didn't sleep well, that's all."

Hm. And he wasn't the only one. But he wasn't about to say anything about it...

They all piled into the car - Simon driving with Vik riding shotgun - while JJ and Josh sat behind, the former bring out his tablet saying he wanted to help the other catch up on "important videos" which Simon guessed meant "his own".

They left just after two o'clock, the weather luckily being some of the nicest they'd had that year, Simon had always hated driving in the rain. It was nice, being able to just drive and not think about anything in particular for a while except for where he was going. It wasn't until about forty minutes into the journey when he was made to remember that he wasn't just a normal guy going out for a normal drive on a normal sunny day.

"Simon," said Vik.

It was very bright still, the sun outside burning brightly even in the late afternoon, and Simon still wore his much needed sunglasses for driving. JJ and Josh were still engrossed in whatever JJ had put on, the younger of the two occasionally glancing across the car every now and then to make sure Josh was still paying attention.

Vik had been a silent passenger for a long time, engaged with his phone mostly. They'd spoken on and off for some time before they fell silent, absorbed by either screen or the road ahead.

Simon had already realised that this would be one of the drives where he didn't talk much; he didn't feel the need to fill the silence at all and Vik, avoiding long conversations himself, hadn't questioned it.

"What?" Simon replied.

"I have a question for you." Vik leaned back against his door and Simon glanced to his left to see him. He was lit up by his the orange sunlight, his skin looking even more tanned than usual, with his hair practically shimmering under the intense rays.

"Do you reckon," Vik continued, "That if two people swapped bodies their habits would be the same? Like you have trouble sleeping, right?"

Simon blinked. He didn't recall mentioning it out loud, but Vik must have worked it out somehow – he was, it seemed, far more astute than they all gave him credit for. Clever, yes, they all knew that already, but his observational skills had never been anything to behold.

"Yes," he replied slowly.

"So if you swapped bodies with, say, JJ," Vik said. "Would you still have sleeping problems, do you think? Is it something in your brain or is it to do with your experiences and memories?"

"I... honestly don't know," Simon replied after a moment's thought. "I don't know the mechanics or the biology behind sleep disorders. It's possible it's something in the brain that makes certain people pass out straight away."

"I'd like a bit of that DNA in me," Vik scoffed, and smirked to himself for a while. Simon had to agree. If there was some genetic coding that could enable him to go to sleep straight away rather than lie awake constantly thinking and re-thinking over stuff that had happened, or that was happening, or that might happen in the future, he would gladly pay a lump sum.

Silence fell again. JJ's words from yesterday abruptly drifted back into Simon's head.  _I'm trying to make things right_. Now was as good a time as any to bring it up.

"I've got a question for you now," he said.

"Fire at will," Vik replied, shifting in his seat so that he was lying on his side, cheek plastered against the seat as he looked at the blond.

"How come you don't blame yourself?" Simon asked. "For what happened that night, how come you don't feel guilt?" he reiterated at the boy's shocked look.

A moment of slightly strained silence and Simon glanced in the mirror to check the other two still had their headphones on.

"Uhh, should I be blaming myself?" Vik replied, cautiously.

"No," Simon immediately said. "JJ brought it up – about how he blames himself for what happened that night, being the main instigator for sending him out and all that when all this time I've been focused on how I should have done something differently, seeing as I was supposed to be his best mate and all. And now that I think about it I think all the other lads at some point have expressed guilt and put the blame on themselves for what happened. But not you...and it's not bad that you don't...I just wondered...how? How can you not? Unless you blame me or one of the others so much that there's none left for yourself."

"That would be very mean, Simon," Vik informed him, and sighed. "No, you're right, I... I guess I did blame myself for a bit, right after it happened, but that lady I spoke to, the one my parents made me see; she said that blaming myself and getting consumed by guilt wasn't going to help anyone heal, especially when it comes down to it, there was nothing we could've done. Things just happened that way. No one did anything in particular that changed everything, we never had a chance to. That's why I don't blame myself or anyone else, except y'know, the dead prick."

Simon fell silent, thinking about this. It was... odd, to say the least. None of them had ever taken the time to say that there was literally nothing they could have done and that it was just a thing that happened. Like it was as normal as the turning of the tide.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "How could there have been nothing? You think this was all inevitable? Like some kind of sick fate?"

"Non-interventional," Vik corrected. "And – I don't know, I guess. Well, he was a teacher at their school, Tobi said Josh saw him often."

"So you think that he would have been taken anyway, even if it wasn't that night."

"Perhaps, I wasn't done. Umm, you said you knew something was up with him – Tobi did too. And you tried to confront him but he just... well, you said how he kept trying to convince you he was fine," Vik said, almost babbling. "Obviously there  _was_  something going on. And well, he was seeing Mr Anderson regularly, surely he would've had some idea what the bastard was like."

That was... true. Simon wasn't sure why Josh had adamantly held off telling him anything about what was going on, he had tried more than once to question him about his change in behaviour and mood but his friend had always brushed him off with a smile. And while he couldn't shake the guilt as easily as Vik, there was no doubt that Josh had never actually given them anything to intervene in. Never shown a problem that they could sort out. He'd kept it all to himself, no matter how hard Simon or the others had tried.

"That's the main reason I guess," Vik said, almost thoughtfully. "That and the fact that you and I both know he'd kill us if he knew we were thinking like this. He'd never blame us so why do we need to?"

"But what if he does..." Simon couldn't help voicing out loud.

"What?" He heard a rustle as Vik rolled over again to stare at him. "No! No, course he doesn't. You think he'd have specifically asked to be with us after getting out of hospital if there was even a glimmer of blame or hatred? Anyway. That's my answer, you were always the closest to him – your little duo. Me and the others would always come in joint second, so maybe you feel like you should have done more but I certainly don't blame you. Does it annoy you? That I'm not blaming anyone except for the, y'know, the actual arsehole who took him?"

"Nah," Simon replied easily.

"Good," Vik said.

There was a moment of silence.

Vik cleared his throat. "So let's say you swapped bodies with JJ-"

"Oh my God don't start that again."

The younger boy laughed before turning his attention back to his phone. He pulled his knees up to his chest so his shoes were on the car seat but for once Simon didn't complain. The kid had given him another new perspective on the situation, one that had never even come close to entering his mind before; he'd earned the reward of being allowed to scuff the seats up a bit.

About twenty minutes later Simon spoke up again. "Heads up guys, we're nearly there."

Nearly there. Hopefully this would be the start of something good.


	29. The Walls We Build

_The small six year old barely glanced up from his drawing when he heard the keys turning in the lock and the sound of the door thudding into the thin studio walls. He was sat at the tiny wooden table, only a few feet from the doorway and waited patiently for his father to take off his coat and shoes._

_He was with the man for the week, as was the arrangement between his parents - a week with his mum, a week with his dad - barring any special plans either one had going on. It still needed some getting used to, having to adjust to the way each parent lived, as well as where they lived._

_His mum had remained in their old flat, now considerably more roomier due to the lack of stuff, but his dad had moved into a tiny studio apartment, in a nicer area and closer to his work, but wow was it small. Kitchen, TV, sofa, table and bed all squashed into one thirty square metre space._

_A bag was thrown onto the table in front of the child and then a large hand ruffled his hair. "Whatcha up to ya little tyke?" the young man greeted, reaching to lift up the sheet of paper._

_"No! It's a secret!" the youngster exclaimed, practically leaping across the table, shielding his work with his body. For a brief moment, a spark of fear ignited in his heart. He knew his dad had only been curious and he'd acted a bit unreasonably - he'd seen in the past what his dad could get like when he acted up, or if his mum had been nagging at him - not a sight he wanted to see again._

_But luckily the man only took a step back, holding his hands up defensively. "Alright, alright. Fucking calm down."_

_The boy gave a short nod. "It's a surprise Dad. You can't see it yet or it'll ruin it for you," he tried to explain. He didn't want anybody to see it until it was perfect._

_"Okay, I hear ya little man," his dad agreed. "No peeking from me. Not until you say so."_

_Josh smiled, returning to his work while his dad busied himself with making a coffee. He could hear his murmurings of discontent as the man filled his mug with the cheapest coffee on the shelfs. "How was work?" he asked._

_"Ah fucking stressful as always. You have no idea Josh, you wouldn't believe how many arseholes go into the business."_

_"But you're gonna be the boss of all them one day." Josh gave his father a beaming smile. "Right Dad?"_

_The man chuckled, ruffling his son's hair as he sat down with his coffee. "You said it kiddo."_

_"And then you can make sure no more arseholes work there neither."_

_"Absolutely. My company will have a strictly no arseholes rule."_

_Josh paused in thought, something niggling at him. "What if you need to take a shit?" he queried, and his father burst out laughing, nearly spitting out his hot drink._

_"Your mother's gonna kill me. You spend a week here and you're swearing like it's nobody's business." Josh just pulled a face, unaware what was so funny. As far as he was concerned, it had been a very legitimate question. "Anyway, how was your day?" the man asked once he'd finally calmed down._

_The boy shrugged. "It was okay, I learnt how to tell the time of twenty four hour clocks."_

_"Very useful skill to have."_

_"Also I got my finger trapped between a desk cause someone pushed it into me, but I didn't cry or nothing."_

_""That's cause you're a big boy," his father praised fondly. He took small sips from his coffee, waiting for it to cool down, all the while watching the youngster as he concentrated on his project. After a couple of minutes of silence, he spoke up, something very sombre in his tone. "You and me, we get along okay don't we? We're buddies?"_

_"Yep," the boy confirmed, looking at his father in slight confusion. Wasn't that obvious? His Dad was cool. The Man. The guy he looked up to and wanted to be._

_Still his father paused, conflicted by some turmoil of emotions the young boy couldn't understand or comprehend._

_His dad sighed. Wistful and slightly shaky. "And you know it's better like this, with me and your mum. Things would've only gotten worse if we'd stayed together," he said. There was something almost desperate in the man's voice, and Josh couldn't continued to find trouble in understanding it._

_"I know. You told me this already," the boy pointed out. He'd had the talk when his parents had first decided they were leaving each other for good. Honestly he hadn't minded a great deal. It meant the shouting had stopped at least._

_"Alright," his father smiled in relief, "I just like to check that you're cool."_

_"I'm cool," Josh confirmed, immediately asking: "What's for dinner?" straight after._

_"Well let's see," his father laughed and pretended to think very hard. "You can have chips and beans or...chips and beans."_

_"What about beans and chips?" Josh questioned, trying and failing to keep the cheeky smirk off his face._

_"Smart ass," his dad replied with a shake of the head._

_The boy giggled and was content with quietly drawing again until dinner was ready. He was a couple of mouthfuls in before deciding to try and push his luck. "Can we play Crash Bandicoot later?" he asked, adding a slight whine into his tone which had worked in the past._

_"Mmhmm," came the mouthful of food reply. "I'll be trying to do some work but I'll sit with you."_

_"But I want you to play too," Josh complained, lower lip jutting out. The answer had not satisfied him at all. The man might as well have just said 'no'._

_"I wish I could, believe me I'd like nothing better, but I gotta make sacrifices if I'm gonna get anywhere in the world," his father explained patiently. "You don't wanna always be living in this box flat do you Josh? You don't wanna live off chips and beans for the rest of you life?"_

_"No..." the boy answered honestly, gazing morosely at his plate and shoving the food around with his fork. "Still want to spend time with you though," he mumbled._

_"We will. One day we'll have all the time in the world to play video games together. Ain't nobody gonna stop us. Okay?"_

_Josh wanted to believe the man. And he did. He trusted him so damn much back in those days. He had no reason not to._

_"Kay," he said, smiling once more, adding, "I hope by then I'll be like you too."_

_"What was that?"_

_"I hope I'll be like you then. I'll be the man!"_

_Another pause from his father. The ticking of the clock had suddenly sounded excruciatingly loud. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick. Then his father spoke again, in a voice more serious and sombre than the six year old had ever heard before. "Josh, listen to me." He waited until he had the boy's trained attention before carrying on. "I know I ain't the most articulate of bastards but I'm gonna try my best right now to make this clear to you. Don't you ever try and be like me."_

_"But Dad – "_

_"Hey shut the fuck up – I'm speaking," the man cut in, leaning forward on the tabletop, "the only thing you need to be worried about, is making sure you turn out just like you. Cause you're already a better man than I'll ever be kid, don't you ever forget that. Don't you ever try and change yourself to be more like me, you hear me?"_

_The young boy stared for a moment, suddenly very aware of the weight of his father's words. He nodded earnestly. "I hear ya," he promised._

_"Good," his dad seemed pleased, face relaxing. "Now finish your dinner and stop talking with your mouth full."_

_Josh had done as he was told. And when they'd finished and he'd gone to play video games he hadn't complained when his dad had been too distracted by his work to pay him much attention. The man was doing for them, for the both of them..._

_Nowadays Josh wondered if that was one of the earlier signs that he was losing his dad. For sure after that the man had become increasingly distant and irritable. He shouted a lot more, and the small slaps on his wrist and cuffs around the back of his head and turned into something far more scary._

_Had his dad known? Had the man realised what he was going to turn into for the sake of money? Was that why he'd warned Josh that night?_

_Whatever the reasoning behind it, it was a code he had lived by. Be his own man. Don't turn out like the piece of shit his dad had morphed into. Prove everybody wrong who thought he was just as bad simply due to blood relation._

_But maybe it wasn't as simple as he had always thought. Hadn't being greedy been his downfall in the end?_

_You tried to jump ahead of yourself. You thought there were shortcuts out of your piece of shit life. And what he'd had...God what he might have had. Ruined. All gone. At least he assumed so._

_That was the one bit of hope in his life right now. Hope that maybe – just fucking maybe – maybe not all had been lost. At the moment it was only brief looks and surges of empathy, but it was there all the same. He supposed he'd just have to wait and see._

_He was good at waiting._

_And this house wasn't a half bad place to wait. JJ had not spared any expenses._

_Speaking of JJ, there was definitely something up with that boy. If events today had proved anything it was that he wasn't the only one hiding behind his own wall._

_Josh still couldn't quite figure out what had happened but he was working on it. Right now he was in the bathroom, in front of the mirror, looking at the item in his hand._

_He lifted his hand up, ready to perform the act. But at the last moment something tugged at his subconscious, halting him._

_No, it told him. Too similar. You look too similar._

_Silence. Only the ticking of the clock. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick. Slowly, he lowered his hand again, mouth set in determination._

_No. I am not my father._

...

JJ hated the countryside.

He was sat out on the front porch, drink on his lap, watching the scenery pass him by, which meant not looking at anything in particular. Nothing had happened for the last half hour except for a family passing on their way walking to the beach - a place where JJ really wanted to head off to as well, and nothing was likely to happen, but Simon and the others were still looking around the house and JJ had felt awkward following them, like he was witnessing them judging his choices.

There were tiny little insects that kept fucking with him. They were like flies, but much smaller, too small for him to kill, and no matter how much he swatted at them they just kept coming back to swarm around his face, annoying the shit out of him.

The bugs were the least of his problems.

 _Jealous_ , he thought. He had been thinking about it a lot since breakfast.  _Fucking idiot, I'm not going to be able to help at all._  Sure the house had been his doing, but Simon pretty soon took over, just like he was entitled to, being the unofficial leader of their group and whatnot.

Just because he didn't like the fact that he was the most useless one –

And okay, maybe he was a bit jealous after all.

It didn't mean anything, he realised frantically. It didn't – it meant fuck all because why wouldn't he be pissed that even Harry would be put in charge of anything important before he would be, when he was literally the guy who couldn't be trusted to buy the right shape of pasta. And of course Simon was going to be the one everyone looked to for guidance at this time, it made sense, didn't it? Hadn't he always done that throughout school? Either him or Josh, they were the ones you went to, you definitely never went to JJ, yeah that's fucking right.

He was nowhere in his rights to be jealous.

But if he was honest with himself – if he was completely, totally honest with himself – if this had been one of the other lads, anyone but Simon, he wasn't sure his feelings of upset would be quite so intense.

For whatever reason, his imbedded desire to be  _needed_ , to be  _relied upon_  by the others had skyrocketed over the last few days, and he had no fucking idea why. It wasn't like he hadn't wanted to be seen as useful in the past – they were best friends after all – but for some reason, maybe due to everything that had happened, it was like he suddenly wanted to be trusted to do stuff a lot more.

 _Fucking shit I'm going mad_ , he thought, a touch frantically.  _It's all the stress, it must be the stress. It's just getting to me._

The bugs were also, by this point, getting to him, and confident that he wasn't about to be seeing anything interesting other than the local insect life, he retreated inside and, after a moment's hesitation, headed into the massive living room.

Vik was not there, probably still off exploring. Josh and Simon, however, were – and the blond had a pair of massive headphones over his ears, gaze fixed intently at the screen before him. Josh looked up to watch him as he came in, his unblinking stare making JJ feel slightly uneasy.

Seized by a fit of mischief – and if he was being totally honest, a little irritation as well – JJ crept up behind Simon, winking at Josh, before slamming his hands down on the blond's shoulders.

"Surprise, bitch!" he yelled, and Simon shrieked, a shrill noise that resembled nothing quite so much as a strangled chicken. He jumped around so erratically that he actually toppled from his chair, ripping his headphones off.

"Haaa, fucking got you," JJ crowed.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Simon spat. He made no move to get up off the floor, and JJ noticed that his eyes were very red. Not enough sleep and too much staring at monitors were undoubtedly to blame.

"You scream like a girl," JJ sniggered. "Doesn't he Josh?" The quiet boy didn't reply but his eyes bore into JJ, and JJ suddenly felt an unnerving sense that he was not at all impressed.

"That wasn't fucking funny," Simon said, definitely not impressed. He was actually gasping for breath, almost hyperventilating, and JJ felt kind of bad. Only for about two seconds though, because Simon then threw the headphones at him and somehow managed to hit him right in the face.

"Ow! Shit. You arsehole."

"You're the one that scared me," Simon said, hauling himself back up into his chair. His hands were shaking. "Seriously, don't – don't do that."

"I'll do what I fucking want," JJ replied, and looked around the room. "Where's Vik? Thought he was down here."

"Went to the toilet."

"You guys come to a decision?" JJ asked.

Simon nodded. "It's great JJ. Genuinely, you're amazing for doing this. Me and Vik love the place and I don't think you have any issues, do you?" He grinned over at Josh and received a tiny shake of the head; so small, it was easy to miss. "Us three have already claimed our rooms so you might want to do the same before the others get here."

"That's it then? We're set up here?"

Simon shook his head. "Nah – that's definitely not it, we've all got a lot of thinking and planning to do, but that's it for now."

"Organisation and planning is what you live for," JJ replied. He walked over to another chair nearby and flopped down into it, figuring he might as well chill there until Vik returned.

Simon glanced at him. "You alright?" he asked then.

All JJ's previous annoyance dissipated somewhat.  _I don't deserve your concern_ , he thought petulantly. Especially seeing at how much praise Simon was sending his way.

"Yeah," he replied. "It'll be like old times. Basically working out what to do like when we first started taking YouTube seriously."

"What's that about taking YouTube seriously?" Vik asked as he strolled back into the room and sat down next to Josh.

"We were just saying how we're going to have to work out things now that everything's changed," Simon replied.

"Ohhh," Vik nodded. "At least we won't be starting from the very beginning again." He turned and smiled cheekily at Josh. "It's taken JJ a long time to build up his perfect dickhead persona."

"Yeah just the same as it's taken you a long time to build up your... a whatever the fuck you are, kiddie fiddler?" JJ shot back, Vik's words hitting him harder than they should. Despite the way he acted for camera, he liked to think that the majority of people would be able to see through the act, to understand that he was only trying to be entertaining for their benefit.

In the past people had latched onto his larger than life personality, it's what had gained him fans in the first place. But now it seemed more and more people genuinely believed he was just an arsehole, and sometimes when enough people told him he was a piece of shit, it was hard not to take it to heart.

Vik just shrugged. And then continued to prod – seeming intent on gaining more interaction out of their quiet friend. Or at least making an effort to include him in the conversation.

"Makes a nice change of scenery, doesn't it?"

And to JJ's surprise and Simon's obvious joy, instead of giving one of his nervous and instant small nods, Josh first glanced around the room, apparently taking it in, the huge TV, the pool table, the view of outside where you could see the sea, before he turned back to Vik and not only gave a firm nod but also a half smile. He approved, it seemed.

"How long do we give it before the fans are hounding us for a house tour? Because I feel like this place was just made for one of those videos."

"Well, I'm hoping to get some other videos done first," Simon said. "We have been slacking recently, now'll be the time to really pick up the pace. That's something we can sort out when the other lads get here, some form of schedule."

"Ughhh," JJ groaned. "I do not like the sound of that."

"Tough! You and Harry might be able to get away with not uploading frequently, but the rest of us have made a career out of being reliable. And being the great friend that you are, that means you're gonna help us get back on track."

"We all muck in," Vik agreed.

JJ huffed. "Yeah, guess that's our reward for taking so much time off."

He regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. God, that had not come out the way he meant it too.

"Shut the fuck up," Vik quietly said.

There was a moment of silence.

"Hey, don't listen to him," Simon said to Josh. "We wouldn't have changed this –  _any_  of this – for the world. You know JJ, all bark and no bite. That's why he only snuck up on me earlier, wouldn't have the balls to attack me head on."

Josh turned his head in JJ's direction. JJ recoiled at the upset he could see in his friend's eyes.

"I don't mean what you think," he stammered as Vik suddenly scurried out of the room.

"No," Simon said firmly, "cause if he did, I'd gladly punch him in his stupid fucking face for you."

At this, Josh actually let out a light huff which could almost be conceived as laughter if JJ was optimistic to believe so. He met JJ's eyes again, not an ounce of hatred there. It only made the younger boy feel even worse.  _Why the fuck do they ever put up with me?_

"Take me seriously... seriously... you know never to take me seriously... I make a living out of never being serious... you think... I'm gonna start now... why the fuck would I do that... oh don't worry, you can all still disregard anything I say as stupid."

JJ heard a sharp intake of air, from Josh or Simon he wasn't sure, but Josh's eyes were confused when he met them, and he wriggled away a bit from JJ, clearly unnerved by his whispered ranting.

Vik re-entered the room at that point. Simon looked confused, and then amused.

"Uh, what's going on?" he asked, sitting down on the edge of the desk.

Ignoring the blond, the youngest spoke directly to Josh. "Thought you might want to give this a go," Vik said. "I know your one hand's not the best at the moment but you of all people should be okay."

JJ paused in his shame for a moment and inspected the items Vik held in hand, scissors, clippers and a razor, all items that were often used to cut hair. JJ glanced the older boy over. He supposed he could do with a haircut. The hospital had cut off most of hair shortly after he'd arrived but it had quickly grown back and was longer than Josh had ever had it before.

"Good idea, new house, new hair, unless you wanna keep it like that Josh," Simon said, sounding somewhat concerned.

Josh blinked in surprise and shook his head vigorously. Clearly he did not.

"Yeah, cause Simon always has to keep up appearances," JJ attempted to tease.

However Simon frowned at JJ, who felt all remaining amusement drain away.

"Jesus Christ, it was a joke," he said.

"I think he's had too much Red Bull or something, man," Simon said, turning back to Josh. "I think you should go and do what you want to and, like, we'll take a break for a bit. Yeah? At least until this one can learn the difference between what's funny and what's  _not_."

"Oh come on," JJ scoffed. "You know it's true."

"Yeah, but Josh is nothing to do with  _my_  appearance, so it's not true," Simon pushed Josh gently towards the stairs. "Seriously, go, I'll be up in a moment."

At which point Josh actually  _left_ , and there was a bit of awkward silence.

"If you both just slept at night like a normal person we wouldn't be having these misunderstandings," JJ commented.

Once again he didn't mean it too seriously, but Simon turned to him with a glare.

"Fuck, Jide, what's turned you into an arsehole all of a sudden?"

" _What_?" JJ demanded.

"I mean it. You've done nothing but act like a moody teenager since we got here, if this is about yesterday – I mean, I dunno – I thought we sorted it out."

"Wow, okay," JJ said, and felt the beginnings of rage stirring, "Yeah, sure I'm over it. A few words from the great Simon and everything's absolutely fine. Anyway maybe it's not about that, maybe you're the ones who should lighten up. I after all just rented you a fucking great house, enjoy it a bit."

Simon shook his head. "Well done mate, once again you've shown off your wealth by just buying a house. I'm sure it took a lot of time out of your day."

"You were all praising me a moment ago. Guess that was just for show," JJ scowled. "What are you, Simon, my fucking mum or something? I can go through life without being praised for every little thing a do right, y'know."

"Oh for fuck's sake. You're not normally so blatantly  _stupid_."

"Stupid?!" JJ shouted. "You want to see stupid, Simon, I'll show you fucking stupid. If you can't stand hearing comments like that then you need to be fucking prepared when people who aren't us start fucking talking when he goes out into the real world because I'm not going to fucking mollycoddle him like you are. You think everyone one in the world is going to tiptoe around him? He's not a baby, he's been through shit but he's still Josh, but you seem to think he can't handle a bit of harmless banter anymore or whatever, it doesn't change the fact that maybe we all need to man up so things can back to normal as quick as possible and then we can get on with our lives!"

"Alright guys, calm the fuck down," Vik finally interrupted. "I got him out of here so you could talk things over, not so you could start a proper argument."

Simon stared at him for a long moment. Then he shook his head. When he smiled, there was no humour in it. Simon didn't get properly angry often, but JJ could tell now that he was pissed off, and it was so unfamiliar to him that for a moment he felt disconcerted.

"You've been acting weird all day, JJ," Simon said. "I don't know what's got into you. But you need to stop taking it out on us. Because I'm sick of it and it won't be long before everybody else sick of it as well. You think we're the ones in our little team who need to man up? We're not. It's you."

"Oh right, a team," JJ snapped. "We're not a fucking team, Simon. It's you and Josh and then the rest of us. We're friendly enough but we're not about to become a damn family or circle jerk or whatever the fuck you two always had going on."

"You know right now," Simon said, quietly, "I couldn't care less if this place was your original idea. You continue to act like a prick, I won't think twice about kicking you out. I'm not cutting corners here JJ, not with him.  _Never_  with him. Maybe think about that for a bit."

JJ's mouth dropped open as Simon turned and headed back upstairs. A wave of hurt washed over him, and he turned away, clenching his fists, nails digging painfully into the palms of his hands. He tried to muster up anger, that familiar burning rage that he was so used to – but it refused to come. He just felt – upset.

Turning, he let out a loud shout, kicking the chair Simon had been sat on and earning an unreadable look from Vik, before the younger boy headed up after the blond.

"Fine, Simon, fuck you," he muttered under his breath. "Fuck you, Vik. Fuck all of you."

But try as he might, he couldn't bring himself to feel angry at them. Annoyed at Simon, yes, but angry – if anything, the urge to make up with him was stronger than anything else. The desire to just wash away everything that had just been said – not just the words, but all the tense and uncomfortable feelings that came with them.

_All my fault. All my fucking fault._

And whoa, shit, where was  _this_  coming from?

 _Slow the fuck down_ , JJ thought.And then, _you won't be able to live up to your own words if these self hating thoughts keep up._

But that was easier said that done. Shit, it was so much easier said than done.

Scowling, he marched out of the room and back outside, his stomach twisting painfully. He could deal with the insects if he had to, he just needed to get out of this fucking house – away from Simon, away from Vik, away from Josh.

...

It was about twenty minutes later when Josh emerged from one of the many bathrooms. Simon had been outside the entire time. In fact, his desire to avoid going inside to check on him extended to the point where he'd gone and pissed in another bathroom just as something to do.

_Have I been too protective?_

The first thing he noticed when Josh emerged from the room was that he didn't resemble someone who' he'd been expecting. He didn't appear upset or nervous. In fact, there was almost a calm aura surrounding him, and Simon felt a stir of relief. At least JJ's words hadn't affected  _him_  too much.

The second thing he took in was how different his friend looked.

"I assume you meant to leave that there?" Simon questioned, as the man walked over to him.

Josh ran a hand over the thick stubble he'd left on his face, and gave a shrug. It was strange, Simon had never seen him with anything that resembled beard before. He'd cut his hair at least. Then Josh glanced around, looking for the others, concern in his eyes, most likely for JJ, and Simon glanced around too and let out a long groan.

"You're not worried about what JJ said then? Cause you shouldn't be, he's just – I don't know, he's just not been in the right frame of mind lately."

The other boy simply sighed, and shook his head, brushing past Simon on his way back downstairs, hair still dripping slightly. Simon's stood in confusion for a second, wondering what that interaction had just meant, before he quickly marched after his friend.

...

Vik was sitting in the kitchen when JJ finally reappeared a few hours later. "How's things?"

"Fine," JJ replied, moving to make himself a drink. "I'm a prick. I get it. I'm the one who keeps scaring him, except for Johnny, but he can't exactly help the way he looks. Maybe I should move out."

"I don't think any of us want that," Vik cut in. "Simon was just being protective, you know that. But he is hugely grateful for what you've done, we all are."

"Thought I was just showing off my  _enormous_  wealth," JJ said, glancing at Vik sadly. Vik rolled his eyes, but didn't seem completely apathetic.

"Both of you said some pretty dumb shit that meant nothing," he pointed out. "I'm sure by now Simon has forgotten all of it, you might try doing the same."

JJ did not reply. "Where are they?" he asked instead.

"No idea," Vik said. He rolled his eyes once more. "Reminds me of old times. Those two go off, without telling anyone, leaving little me on my lonesome," he complained, though there was no malice there, before sending a grin JJ's way. "Least you've returned to keep me company, or we could go and find them if you want."

JJ shook his head. "Let them be. I meant it when I said they should sleep more. I know that's easier said than done but maybe – I dunno – maybe walking will do them good. Actually...maybe that'll do me good, you wanna come?"

"Will do," Vik said. "Nothing much to do here without all the others."

They walked out into the warm evening breeze, Vik glancing at JJ every so often, who bit his lip and stared resolutely ahead of him, towards the sea. He knew that whatever was on JJ's mind would eventually come to

"Glad to see Simon eventually let the truth out," JJ said sourly after a while, and Vik turned to him with raised eyebrows.

"What's with you?" he asked. "You're actually pissed at Simon?"

" _He's_  pissed at  _me_ ," JJ replied. Vik raised his eyebrows and paused, pulling himself up to sit on the wooden fence, inviting JJ to join him.

"Why?"

"Because he tired of me being  _useless_ , and he doesn't want to worry about me being an idiot, now he's got Josh back." He snorted loudly. "Shit, you'd think he'd have realised after all these years that I'm a hardass. He knows I don't do the whole talking about feelings and I've always been like that. I just – I just don't understand?"

It came out more confused – almost vulnerable – than he had intended, and he instantly scowled. Vik didn't laugh, though – just frowned a little.

"Oh, JJ," he said, and shook his head. "He'll get over it. We're all stressed, we're all not acting like ourselves."

"What were you two talking about in the car earlier anyway?"

"Simon is an idiot who only believes what he thinks he deserves," Vik replied. "He was questioning me about my own feelings, asking why I felt like I did."

"But you're not mad at him."

"No, I'm not. Surprised maybe, but Simon's a clever son of a bitch, he has a way of making you see that no matter how fucked up things seem for yourself, at least you're not in his position. I can't even imagine what it would be like, being so close to someone, then losing them and now having to cope with suddenly having them back. Sure we're all close but you right about one thing earlier. It's always been them two and then them two plus the rest of us. But I'm alright with that." He fixed JJ with a measuring look. "And no matter what you think is going on in Simon's mind, you're one of the few he's picked to stick close to for six years. A few weeks of having Josh back won't change that."

JJ's lips twitched, just slightly, at that. It was some happy-sappy shit but whatever. Vik had a point, but it only marginally made him feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long wait. Between work and school there hasn't been enough time for writing! Thank you for everyone who's said they like it though!


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